My teenage neighbor was brutally attacked

Cross posted from the Lounge:

Seventeen years old, straight A student, violinist in the school orchestra; she got involved with the wrong guy and now she's in a coma because he bashed her head in with a hammer when she tried to break up with him. A big time loser, still in high school at age 20, someone she tried to help; she helped him apply to college, she helped him with his literacy, and he tried to kill her.

This applies to all women but I want to appeal especially to the young women of DU; those still in high school, college, or just out of college: your whole life is ahead of you. Please don't fall for the stories these guys tell you, please don't be flattered by the attention of the 'bad boy' older guy, please realize that you are only just starting out. If a guy gets too possessive, if he is smothering you, if he threatens violence to himself or you, RUN. Remember that lifetime ahead of you. You are too young to take on a project like this; you can't save these kids by yourself.

Please pray for, send vibes to, or just think of my neighbor who just had her second brain surgery. She will never be the same.

Thanks for reading.

What sadness. Energy, hope and love to you. Peace, Kim

:(

I will keep her and her family in my prayers.

has got to be top priority because it is so goddamn common.

There may be grounds for making stopping violence against women a higher priority than stopping violence against men, but "it's more common" emphatically isn't one of them.

:shrug:

Facts back poster up
google: crimes+against+women+rates

http://www.hrw.org/en/news/2008/12/18/us-soaring-rates-rape-and-violence-against-women

http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/abstract/femvied.htm

http://feminist.org/news/newsbyte/uswirestory.asp?id=9921

If you don't think the rate is too goddam high common, which was the poster's contention, perhaps you might do with a stint in the ER, just observing.

edited so I could go back and get exactly what the poster said.

for taking the time to supply the documentation that post #13 didn't (and couldn't) supply.

I hate it when people make outrageous statements with no links, and let others do the leg work to provide a documented rebuttal to their BS.

An overwhelming majority, I'd bet.

So maybe the question isn't, "Why are so many women victims of violence," maybe the question is, "Why do so many MEN resort to violence so damn often? Why do so many men think it's acceptable?"

Men like the poster you responded to don't dare look at that.

Men who question or reject the unstated directives to be -

1. Repressed in their expression of emotion.
2. A dominator and threatener.
3. Isolated from their sources of support in their role as protector.

- will pay a personal cost, but society as a whole will continue to pay a much larger cost if they don't.

It is the responsibility of MEN to do this, with or without the help of women.

If you guys want to beat the shit out of each other for sport, go ahead, but leave females alone.

And if you think it is, there's something very wrong with your perspective.

http://www.ufc.com/

:shrug:

As noted in the Secretary-General’s in-depth study on all forms of violence against
women (A/61/122/Add.1 and Corr.1), violence against women is understood to mean
“any act of gender-based violence that is directed against a woman because she is a
woman or that affects women disproportionately”. As discussed in the study, women
are subjected to violence in a wide range of settings, including the family, the
community, State custody and armed conflict. The Secretary-General’s study
addresses, inter alia, the following forms of violence against women: intimate partner
violence; harmful traditional practices, including female genital mutilation/cutting,
female infanticide and prenatal sex selection, early marriage, forced marriage, dowry-
related violence, crimes against women committed in the name of “honour”,
maltreatment of widows; femicide; sexual violence by non-partners; sexual
harassment and violence in the workplace and elsewhere, and trafficking in women.
These aspects are relevant in data collection efforts/\.


While violence against men is also an important issue requiring attention, this
violence takes different forms and is not rooted in power imbalances and structural
relationships of inequality between women and men. Thus, the broader issue of inter-
personal violence, which has male and female victims, who may also be vulnerable by
way of age, disability or social exclusion, requires a separate approach and different
methodology to measure it.


http://www.un.org/womenwatch/daw/egm/IndicatorsVAW/IndicatorsVAW_EGM_report.pdf.

violence committed BECAUSE she is a woman. thank you

he clearly did it "because she is a woman."

You must agree, then, that if a gay man beats up his partner he is doing it "because his partner is a man."

The problem is, of course, the idea that a man devalues his own gender seems to make no sense, and violence between gay men is terribly common, just as violence between hetero spouses is.

My point here is simple. I believe that if a man who abuses his wife were gay, he'd probably be looking for a man to dominate. So, it cannot be said that when sexual partners hurt each other they do it simply because of the genders involved.

Obviously "barbaric" practices like genital mutilation, honor killings, forced marriages, etc. result from traditions designed to physically harm women. But none of those are prevalent in America, which is why we ought to focus on violence PERIOD. Often times shelters designed to help "abused spouses" won't help gay men, because they don't help men at all!

This is why it is much wiser to view violence in American society as a whole rather than focusing mostly on heterosexual women.

And finally, to the OP, I am so sorry for you and your family, and pray your daughter makes it.

Edited for clarity.

We don't even acknowledge the tremendous male violence/intimidation in our society

leave alone acutally try to analyze why males are so violent --- !!!

Under what circumstances is violence against men most prevalent? Who are the perpetrators?

all violence. thanks for asking for clarity. because NOW, you have it. Men are generally the perps.

It also says that 3/4 of murder victims in the Western world are men and 1/4 are women.

I'm not sure how it defines the Western world, or how those rates differ country to country.

because half of those murders women commit are self fucking defense.

treat it like the epidemic and the sickness that it is.

treat it like the epidemic and the sickness that it is.

You're making a big deal about a semantic point in a thread about a young woman who was the victim of murderous violence. Isn't there a larger issue at hand?

I don't see anybody defending violence against men. Can't we agree that domestic violence of all kinds is a problem, and work together on the solution?

Some guys can't stand not being coddled and paid attention to and simply must hijack these types of discussions.

ANYONE with daughters feels this viscerally; a pumch in the gut .... I have two whom I constantly remind to be wary, but it is hard to get through sometimes ....

What a little minded bastard ....

Let's hope she recovers COMPLETELY, and lives up to the potential nature gave her ....

HUGE positive vibes for her ....

I hope the bastard that did this to her never sees the light outside of a prison cell.

"Oyerinde was arraigned Thursday at the Washtenaw County Jail on charges of attempted murder, assault with intent to do great bodily harm less than murder, assault with a dangerous weapon, and carjacking. He was ordered held on $2 million bond and will appear in court Jan. 27 for a preliminary hearing."

I don't know what the mandatory for attempted murder is, but there is no doubt in my mind that after the judge hears about this girl and what she did for him, he'll get the maximum... screw a plea.

She sounds like such a wonderful, young woman. And you are right...these girls have their entire lives
ahead of them, and it is so sad when something like this happens.

How is her prognosis?

She's very young, and sometimes young people experience amazing recoveries.

I'll certainly be praying and hoping that this woman is able to recover and have a wonderful future.

:hug;

One has to be soooo very very careful...

Sending good vibes

I say let this kid fall into the gutter! It's not nice, but this innocent girl has been brought near death trying to help someone who may not be able to be helped.

then later her car's windows broken out, by the father of her beautiful young daughter. It keeps us awake worrying whats next.

He pay no support, demands visitation, and is stoned out his mind almost constantly.

The cops and the court won't touch it, but I know if I do, the system will suddenly leap into action and save the day.

I feel for your neighbor, and wish her daughter all the best.

break car windows where your SO's daughter lives? That's delightful to hear. And do I need the sarcasm thingy?

but without an eyewitness there is nothing they can do.

He later bragged about it to friends, unfortunately for him, they didn't think it was cool and the told us it was him.

He's dealing crack now, so I think I'm just going to spray paint "NARC" on his car at 3am, let his own kind deal with him.

Later the paper trail might come in handy if push comes to shove.

I would prefer they didn't so there would be less connection to her if he were to befall some freak tragedy, he does hang with an unseemly crowd, no reason she should be dragged into that by the barneys.

I tutor high school students, and if the girls ask I always tell them not to date older guys. At that age, you're much better off dating boys in your class or staying single.

Sadly, this kind of horrific story is all too common, and the age of the man or the age of the woman has nothing to do with it. It has everything to do with being a violent, possessive, sociopathic SOB who thinks it's OK to use violence to control people in relationships.

It's just as likely someone her own age or younger could do this.

The idea of a 17-year-old dating a 20-year-old? meh. Not that big a gap really. Could be screwed up or it could be fine, depends on the individuals involved. But violence is NEVER fine, and sadly it's not something that can be easily avoiding just to sticking to your own age group, or your "own" anything.

by an older, more experienced person.

In this case, the age difference wasn't very big, but it sounds like this man was practiced in manipulation and this girl was fairly naive.

I've had too many friends used and abused by older men, so my opinion is pretty firm. A young girl should enjoy life and not get stuck carrying around someone else's baggage.

:(

heading in this direction. She is the last person I would have expected to be in this situation: educated, savvy, well up on the lessons that feminism teaches. She was analyzing the whole thing as it went along, but could not get herself out of it for a long time.

I went to bed every night wondering if I would hear from her again, or whether she would just disappear. He had the weapons and the know-how.

She finally dragged herself out of it, moved away, went to law school, now on a completely new direction with a very different kind of man to share it with. But I will never again say "How could someone get involved with a guy like that?"

That danger is so real. Thanks for posting this, as terrible as it is. Hoping for the best for this young person.

Too much of a chance to stumble into someone who seems wonderful at the outset, and then becomes jealous and possessive and clingy and ends up as a crazy stalker. I'd either spend my whole life trying to evade the sonofabitch, or kill him before he killed me. More likely the latter. Either way, far more hassle than it's worth!

Good vibes for your neighbor.

Stalking behavior is very common in abusive/violent relationships and if not addressed as such it leads to actual stalking and tragedy.

Too many around the victims dismiss it because they don't want to deal with it or don't know how to.

The real problem is our criminal justice system that doesn't know it, can't name, and refuses to stop it. Often believing it is just something the two people need to work out themselves. Often one of them picks up a gun or a knife and "works it out" that way.

The theme for this year's National Stalking Awareness Month is "Know it. Name it. Stop it."

Until we do, the tragedies will continue.

It's always worked out better for me that way.

She's in my thoughts for a full recovery, and justice for the perp.

I spent 3 years of high school waiting for a good friend's boyfriend to make good on his threats to kill her. I agree with your assessment every bit.

i can not imagine how the parents ,family,and friends feel. i hope she pulls through her ordeal...

as for him...may justice be swift and harsh

Is it something in the way we raise girls that so many are attracted to men like this?

I don't know, but as you said, please think about your own life. Please listen to that voice in your head. And don't walk; run.

Such a horrible story; I'm so sorry.

that makes them feel entitled to use force to get their way.
Let's not blame the victims.

something in the *culture* that needs looking at, including how we socialize and raise our girls. And of course, our boys. It works both ways.

Hell for the guy.

:cry: My heart goes out to her and her family.

Relationship violence is a huge problem in our society.

:hug:

eom

aren't as exciting and the women get a sense of accomplishment at finding the good qualities underneath the asshole exterior.

Basically they want a challenge.

A good friend admitted to being "nice" b/c he cared so much for a woman, and she blew him off. After being rejected he got angry, told her to fuck off, and stopped all contact... she turned around and pursued him. He's a great guy and married now, but he admits to being a jerk to his wife every now and then, so she doesn't cheat on him with some asshole.

I would wager that women who are turned off by nice, caring guys either had NO present father in the home (either AWOL or workaholic or alkie) or had an abusive father, which caused her low self-esteem. These types are familiar with the asshats and are uncomfortable around those who make her feel worthy because she's already believed her story of being worthless.

that makes a girl feel she is not worthy. If her parents (perhaps especially the father) are merely emotionally absent, eg self absorbed or too busy with work and other groups and activities to take time for their children it can have a similar effect. If a girl is bullied by male classmates- sexually harrassed and belittled- it has a devastating effect as well. Combine those 2 influences ... not a happy picture.

A counselor told me that once.

Well said, Cletus! And I think you're right on target with that.

guys a lot. For what it's worth, I was NEVER attracted to guys who acted like that. I always wanted to be treated well by anyone I dated.

At first he treats you very well, then starts manipulating you in ways you may not particularly notice. Bad comments about your friends, isolating you, wanting "so much" to be with you, alternating with really sweet behavior. "Forgive me, I don't know what came over me, give me one more chance, please" and you do.

Eventually, slowly, you have been manipulated into thinking you are worth nothing except to him, that you are fat, ugly, stupid, deserve nothing better than what he can give you, alternating with wonderful stuff and times.

It can be really difficult to get out of. I know. It is not a simple thing and no, don't want a challenge. We want to be appreciated, and when you have been shoved so low, any appreciation is good. When you feel absolutely worthless, those flowers and fine dinners can be really uplifting, confusing but uplifting.

He cares, he loves me, otherwise he wouldn't make me feel so good.

Until next time.

It can be difficult to not cast judgment on people, women or men, who have been in abusive relationships, but they, we, do/did need the support of friends who wouldn't just go away when they were ignored.

I'm a very nice guy and, while I don't claim to be a Casanova, I don't have trouble with women either.

Men or women, most people like confidence. It just turns out that assholes are usually very self-confident, and a lot of guys who'd describe themselves as "nice" are not.

A good rule of thumb is that any guy who constantly bemoans how women reject him because he is "too nice", is usually quite the opposite. They tend to be rather shallow, to boot. Notice how the women these Nice Guys(tm) pursue are typically of the "hawt babe" variety. No plain Janes will do, no matter what the Nice Guy(tm) looks like.

A good friend admitted to being "nice" b/c he cared so much for a woman, and she blew him off. After being rejected he got angry, told her to fuck off, and stopped all contact... she turned around and pursued him. He's a great guy and married now, but he admits to being a jerk to his wife every now and then, so she doesn't cheat on him with some asshole.

You're friend sounds like he's the asshole. A truly nice person doesn't get angry and tell a friend to fuck off because she won't have sex with him. This is NOT a nice guy. This is a man who views women as walking pussy dispensers who are obliged to give it up to any man who buys them dinner or does them a favor. No wonder he's so suspicious of his wife.

"Niceness" is a strategy of social interaction - not necessarily an indication of empathy or good character.

Bravo. "Nice" is a tactic, a mask, something your parents told you to do to get approval.

Kindness comes from the heart. It doesn't expect a reward, it just demands to not be screwed over. None of us would be alive without an expression of kindness, so it's sacred.

That's a basic principle for me - you can be wary of niceness, but never fuck with kindness - for any payoff.

Always been the case - so men with problems don't have as much motive to improve themselves. Some woman is always ready to help them.

relationship, but I also don't do desperate. Healthy men can smell desperation a mile away and the sick ones flock to these women like bees to you-know-the-cliche.

I don't know what you mean by "desperation" - I only pointed out screwed up men can still get into relationships, because there aren't enough of them to go around, naturally some women will try to "fix" a screwed up guy and try to convince themselves he's going to be OK, rather than face the fact there's no man for them. Teens are really vulnerable due to the unfortunate fact that it appears to be social failure not to have dates, etc.

And yes, being a nice guy puts me at a disadvantage in having no dates.

But after 20 years of bachelorhood, I have come to accept my fate in this screwed up society of ours.

to be nice and likeable in a relationship than men have.

Especially if he was/is bringing in the money and she wasn't.

Men traditionally have had more power. Same as in the workplace, a boss has more power, thus has more freedom to snark or be mean to an underling than vice versa.

She is very smart and very beautiful. She dated an asshole who treated her as a simple trophy and was more than willing to beat her to get his way. In the end, he dumped her for some other girl, and I asked her why she stayed with him for so long. They dated for almost two years.

I asked her what his appeal was despite the fact that he treats her like an object and then beats on her from time to time, and she reflected on the past for a minute and smiled wryly at the end. She said he was simply so charismatic, very good in bed, was very successful with making money, and that he beat her simply because he had "too much testosterone." She seemed to reflect on that period in her life as if it was glamorous and a general good time, despite the physical and verbal abuse.

I don't know why, and I never bothered to probe her further on the question, but it seemed to indicate to me that there is a modicum of truth to the addage that "nice guys finish last." Fuckwads like John McCain will always get first pick with the ladies.

Why do so many men think they own women and have the right to control them through violence?

And while the young woman in the OP may have fallen for her attacker initially (many abusers are quite charming in the beginning), surely you noticed that the attack happened after she terminated the relationship.

to be poise don the cusp of life and have this happen.

But your analysis is a bit faulty - often it is not the "bad boy" that becomes a stalker, but the guy who seems overly charming. He knows how to build up a woman's ego, he knows how to play her into realizing her life is nothing without him.

Look at OJ and what a catch he appeared to be.

They began at one time teaching some of this relationship stuff in public schools,

but as I recall it broadly the right-wing didn't like females being smartened up

and there was some trouble with these programs. I hope they've gone forward --

they should!!

Meanwhile, my personal experience with my town's highschool in NJ -- at the time that

the Lisa Nussbaum death in NYC had been in the news for a long period . . .

I encountered a couple outside the school where the male was pushing the female around,

causing her to drop her books, etc. I believe he wanted her to get into his car.

I intervened and sent her home with a strong msg that this was an old story --

dangeorus for her -- and to absolutely tell her parents. Since I could identify the

guy by sight, I went into the H/S to talk with the principal about this issue. Only

the assistant was there and he immediately informed me that:

"I had to realize that they may have been boyfriend and girlfriend" -- !!!!


PS: Most of us do know that the most dangerous time for females is when they are

signaling a break up -- or making clear they are leaving.

Sorry about your friend. My question is sincere one. You know these folks. Did she really fall for the attraction of the bad boy thing? How do you think that happens?

I'm a guy, so i really don't understand this whole dynamic. My wife went through it (LONG!!! before we met) and even she can't explain it to me. Just wondering if you could add to my understanding. (Shouldn't be hard. I don't understand it at all, right now.)
GAC

so that sort of male makes them feel safe, when in fact, the opposite is true.

That's just one explanation among many.

My father was very emotionally/mentally abusive to both my sister and I. My sis has been married three times - all to mentally/verbally abusive men. I haven't dated anyone abusive, but I have major trust issues with men.

and thank you for the post.

'I love you' is a much used and empty phrase used universally by men and not to be trusted.

and

all the movies and TV fiction shows about 'love'. fantasy 'love'. if one out of seven americans can barely read they rely on TV fiction shows and seldom learn the reality of today's man.

vibes, as appropriate, forwarded to your neighbor.

There are monsters out there, and the early warning signs are always the same.

If he tries to cut you off from your family or friends, if he orders you how to dress or what to say, dump him.

If he's jealous over nothing, he if becomes verbally or physically abusive when he drinks, don't excuse his behavior.

If he hits you and says he's sorry, don't believe it. Abusers rarely change and usually become more violent.

If he makes a threat, take it seriously. Get a restraining order. Move away if you have to. Your life - and the lives of people you love--could be at stake.

Take it from someone who has seen several good friends go through this scenario, with varying levels of catastrophe.

I hope this young woman will survive and find someone who will treat her with love and respect, and that the thug who did this spends a lot of years in jail.

and hope she recovers from this tragedy.

that punk wouldn't have to worry about going to jail.

Sending my thoughts/vibes to that poor girl and her family.

A person who has reading issues and still remains in high school at age 20 (even though the dropout rate is so high for troubled students) is not a loser. It IS awful that he abused your daughter, though. I just want to separate the two circumstances because there are plenty of abusive a-holes who are "successful" and could do the very same thing. Also, I am hoping that you have talked to your daughter and examined why he would be so attractive to her (is she always with the 'bad-boy' types?) so that her next relationship is not another repeat of this, albeit in designer sheep's clothing!

And as the girl is said to be in the hospital having brain surgery, talking to her about her "next relationship" doesn't seem like the thing to do right now.

Her daughter is alive, thankfully. And no, I wasn't suggesting this lady lecture her daughter whilst in the hospital, but I hope that when she gets better, they will have a nice, long talk.

My point is that when women get victimized, the brutality of the act usually overshadows another situation: namely, the woman's patterns in romantic relationships. Think of the mother who continuously gets involved with alcoholics, wife-beaters, molesters. And her kids pay the price! So it is vitally important that this mother talk to her daughter to end this behavior once and for all!

I haven't seen the original thread so I didn't realize it was that bad.

I hope that anyone who read or reads my posts on this realize that I don't defend abuse of any kind. I also don't believe that she "deserved" to get what happened to her. My point was only that I have heard of so many cases where a woman gets abused over and over by many men and sometimes kids are dragged into it. I just wanted to remind everyone that we always focus on the perp and it's important to also educated our sons and daughters on what is acceptable behavior in relationships. With all the divorce out there, not to mention unhealthy parental romantic relationships, there sometimes isn't proper modeling on what is healthy love.

I can't find anything later. I wonder how she is doing.

that she is recovering but has some brain damage.

But I think the word 'never' should be banished from our lingo, especially when it comes to health and healing. People have had amazing recoveries in spite of what was told them.

It was a neighbor. You appear to have a reading comprehension problem, as it's already been pointed out once.

was only trying to help him and then when she discovered that he wasn't willing to change and tried to break up with him he bashes her head in. Sounds like a loser to me.

and when he ran the risk of losing her, he flipped out. That suggests that he probably hasn't felt too loved in his life. You really don't take that assessment as my condoning attempted murder, now do you?

My issue is how it was all said. He was described as being a big-time loser BECAUSE he was still in high school at age 20. Why was this little factoid even necessary? Because obviously, he wasn't worth much if he couldn't even graduate at age 20! And I am trying to say that there are brilliant men who abuse and kill their women. The comment struck me as a bit snobbish, although I am trying not to judge a woman who has to deal with such a tragic situation. I also mentioned that her daughter picked this guy for a reason and (obviously when she is better) I hope that her mother can find out what was going on that she felt like he was the one for her.

By the way, I find it a little bizarre that someone would be so concerned whether the guy accused of seriously injuring a teenage girl is described as a loser, and whether he felt loved in his life.
:eyes:

to be concerned about this guy? I often feel sadness for unloved children who grow up and do terrible things as a result of feeling unloved. I think being unloved is at the root of many of our social problems.

Oh, but you just go on being "appropriately" concerned for the "right" people, now. Very openminded!:sarcasm:

Somehow it always seems like the female victim is blamed for making bad choices. That really infuriates me.

What about the violent jerk who chose to use violence? A man who chose not to let go of a relationship because he believed the woman was his permanent possession?

Yes, women should be careful about who they date, but for heaven's sake, women are not psychic! We don't instinctively know which man will let go of a relationship and which one will strike out and injure or kill. We didn't raise these guys or turn them into abusers. This poor young woman tried to help this man. He turned around and almost killed her, perhaps maiming her for life.

For crying out loud, let's stop saying this woman should have known this or should have done that. It's the fault of this fucking violent bastard!

:thumbsup: Well said.

But according to the poster above, the poor guy couldn't help it he was still in HS at age 20! There aren't tutors or anything to help with that. But there is pot or meth or whatever he was on to help the poor dear cope.

:eyes:

I'm glad that you brought this up. Instead of urging young women to be careful, how about we focus our energy on stopping violence before it happens.

I sent this to my 17 year old niece. This is frightening.

I am so sorry.

Know we are thinking of your neighbor.

:( I am sorry to hear this. It's scary and sad that this kind of stuff happens way too often. :hug: Sending thoughts & prayers to your neighbor and her family. :pals:

Thank you for sharing this story - even if it saves just one girl, you've done a huge and great thing!

And, I am deeply saddened.

:loveya:

rinse and repeat - jealousy is not a compliment - it is a sickness

I can't tell you how many times that a girl I've liked has fallen for a less intelligent, more aggressive guy. The result is usually the same, but fortunately its not as bad as OP's story. Whats worst is when the guy threatens the life of the woman, and then the woman forgives the guy, and so on and so on.


Thanks for the post 1gobluedem, and I really hope your neighbor recovers. Its sad what happened and its sad that this kind of thing happens with such alarming regularity.

I can relate because I went through something very similar. Please keep us updated on her condition.

Vibes and prayers for her complete recovery - and that this lout never hurts another person.



I've never understood the attraction of the "bad boys" myself. Rebellious types - yes: I'm one as well. Burn your draft card or write a controversial essay, and I'm there. But when it comes to violence, that's horrifying, not endearing.

n/t.

I am so sorry. I did battered woman's hotline for a couple of years, and it is epidemic.

I am sending loads of good vibes to your neighbor, her parents, AND to you, since you obviously care about her a great deal, and this is so painful to deal with.

I'm hoping that with some therapy (physical and recuperative mental) she may be able to overcome her terrible injuries.

Stop thinking you can and listen to all the millions of women who learned the hard way that you cannot change a man! You can't make him better. He is who he is and he has to help himself. If you think there's a reason to change him you shouldn't be involved with him in the first place. But he's really a good person? Yeah, well, it just takes that one time (see the OP). It's not an issue of you changing him, it's an issue that you most likely have low self-esteem. Contrary to what you may think, you DO deserve better!

It just tears me up to hear stories like the OP... We'll pray for her. And for him.

"If you think there's a reason to change him you shouldn't be involved with him in the first place."

Exactly!

And to that I would add, if he keeps pressuring you to change, you shouldn't be involved with him either.

And, please it really pisses us off when you continue to try.

I watched porn, smoked pot and drank beer when you met me and I will be drinking beer, watching porn and smoking pot when you leave me.

My deepest sympathies to the women who are victims; violence and fear should not be part of anyone's life. We have got to get away from this idea that young men and women have to be "in relationships". As teens and young adults, you just don't need to have an "other" to make your life complete.

- who so easily destroy other people's lives. Let them rot in jail, let them just rot.

i'm not excusing ANYTHING the moster did- and i'm NOT saying that this is the attitude that this particular girl had...

what i am saying is that a lot of people know girls/women who keep taking this attitude toward SHITTY guys- and this is exactly the kind of thing that shows what a serious mistake that can be.

but women will continue to do it.

and this a particualrly heinous attack.

Muy thoughts and prayers are w/your neighbor, her family and w/you...:hug:

I raised my children to be sensitive to those in need, having been raised in an abusive home. Little did I know that this could potentially make them a victim.

People who are narcissistic are very good at appearing to have good intentions and they ingratiate themselves into your life using all the survival skills they have. Being empathetic, wanting to help, can be fatal, as your neighbor has, unfortunately, nearly discovered. While I would hate to see humans overlook someone who they can potentially help, we parents have to be vigilant

This could have been my daughter, this could have been anyone's daughter. When my daughter was under the spell of her Svengali, I truly believe that had I not intervened in a way that was far more forceful than his, she would have suffered a similar fate. He is still alive and likely torturing someone else, but I did learn that you can find a hit-man if you need one and I wouldn't hesitate a second to go that route again if necessary.

There is a record of his abuses now that will be available if another person requests a restraining order. There is precious little by law that people can do to protect themselves and their loved ones when they think they are in danger. There is something seriously wrong with our justice system.

I hope she will have a full recovery. This is just so sad.

This thread *is not about your unpleasant past relationships*, it's about a girl in a coma.

She's in my thoughts and prayers. Young people have much more resilient brains than adults. I hope for the best.

They thought she'd never come out of that coma, let alone be able to function normally again. It sure wasn't easy for her, but she made it. I'm hoping this young lady makes a similar recovery.

:cry:

I noted on reading the article about what this creep did that his last name is Oyerinde... Is he black? Because that is a Nigerian last name.. Why , oh Why Lawd why? What in the greasy french fried hell is wrong with people? If brotherman is still cooling his heels in highschool at 20 years old, he has no business dating my daughter, your daughter or anyone else's daughter! Young women, listne to me!!! YOU CANNOT CHANGE SOMEONE WHO HAS ISSUES, WETHER YOU PERCEIVE THEM TO BE BIG OR SMALL. THE ONLY ONE YOU CAN CHANGE IS Y-O-U-R-S-E-L-F!

http://www.mlive.com/news/ann-arbor/index.ssf/2009/01/ann_arbor_huron_high_student_d.html
:cry:

r.i.p.

may she find justice

That is SO WRONG.

:cry:

How absolutely devastating for everyone who knew her and still love her. This is so sad.

Sending my condolences to the family. May Anna Marie rest in peace.

I'm so sorry her good deeds were met with brutality.

I didn't quite say it like that. Instead I told her:

There are people out there who are like predators in relationships, always looking like a lion for an antelope someone they can bully and dominate and possess and abuse in whatever ways they want. It's just a fact of life, that some people are born or become that way.

And that YOU don't want to be the antelope to their lion, and if you notice a guy is actually like that, even if he fools you at first into thinking he's a nice guy, then get the hell away as fast as you can as soon as you notice!

She's a smart young lady, also a straight A student, who sounds a lot like your neighbor.

Yes, indeed, I will send some good vibes and prayers her way. I hope she wakes up, recovers fully, and has a full, happy life, even if it takes some time to recover from something like this. I also hope that she'll never again be someone's "antelope".