*** DUzy Awards for week ending May 15, 2009 ***

On a thread by babylonsister: Bill Maher: Americans, please wash hands before criticizing Obama

"New Rule: Now that we've answered his call to wash our hands, President Obama must continue to tell us how to live. Last week, when America was faced with the pan-global swine flu omega death plague, the President went on TV and told people to wash their hands, and experts tell us this made a big difference, which augurs well for next month's "National Wipe Your Butt Day." Next week, in a fireside chat, he'll tell us not to put a fork in the toaster.

It's sad that the leader of the free world had to call a live press conference to tell his nation of clueless nitwits that employees must wash hands before returning to work. If that's not the "Forrest Gump-ification" of America, I don't know what is. Feeling wet, America? Why not try new, "Coming in from the Rain"?

You may think I'm blowing this out of proportion, but this plea from Obama - you know, the "Audacity of Soap" - was the first specific thing a President has asked the American people to actually do in decades. Unless you count "go shopping." Hopefully it will open the door to other, slightly weightier suggestions from the President..."

      Arugula Latte: Do you guys have to work on National Wipe Your Butt Day?

My boss is making us come in, but he says we can leave early.

      ksoze: you bet your ass we do!

      tclambert: No job is really finished until the paperwork is done.

Potty training 101.

GDP, May 8, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=132x8397664

On a thread by Clio the Leo: Further Proof the Obamas are Cool: WH to Host Poetry Slam

      Teaser: next week: freestyling contest

I would so kill at that.

      Botany: Can you dig it? Man

"That would be Joey B on the congo drums, Rob E. blowing the fat tenor sax, and I, B of the Rack, will be laying out the lines
as your minds unwind ..... so sit right back you hip hip cool cats ...... 'cause the East Room is where it at .... Jack."

GDP, May 9, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=132x8398509

On a thread by intheflow: What do you know about runes?

My friend gave me a set of runes. No book, nothing to explain what they are or how to use them. Other than a mention in Harry Potter, I hadn't heard of them. Are they like the I Ching, you toss them and somehow divine the future from how they land? This is probably one of the weirdest presents I've ever been given!

      MilesColtrane: It's kind of like the time I tried to build an amplifier from a kit without instructions.

I ended up getting a radio station in Cleveland.

Be careful you don't turn yourself into a halibut.

The Lounge, May 10, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x8759672

On a thread by xiamiam: Creepiest couple award from last night...Greenspan and Mitchell..

It's none of my business...and it's not their fault that they are so creepy...but I wouldn't let my kids get in the car with them either...just sayin..

      proud2BlibKansan: He was stroking her bare back

and I wanted to :puke:

      Hissyspit: That's the way it works. He rubs her and she vomits out Republican talking points.

GD, May 10, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x5628013

On a thread by Stephanie: Here We Go! Big Dick Cheney on Face the Nation - 10:30 EST >

      NRaleighLiberal: It's MOTHER'S day, not MOTHERF*#KER's Day. No thanks - can't watch!

GD, May 10, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x5628092

On a thread by kentuck: What exactly are the Repubs saying that Pelosi is guilty of doing?

      billyoc: Aiding and abetting Republicans.

GD, May 10, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x5630202

On a thread by vow66: African tribe populated rest of the world

"The entire human race outside Africa owes its existence to the survival of a single tribe of around 200 people who crossed the Red Sea 70,000 years ago, scientists have discovered.

Research by geneticists and archaeologists has allowed them to trace the origins of modern homo sapiens back to a single group of people who managed to cross from the Horn of Africa and into Arabia. From there they went on to colonise the rest of the world..."

      imdjh: So white-flight has been going on for 70,000 years?

And we weren't really colonizing in the 19th Century- we were reclaiming our ancestral homelands.

I feel so much better about that now.

Editorials & Other Articles, May 10, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=103x447272

On a thread by Jackeens: Christopher Hitchens Rips Wanda Sykes: "The Black **** Got It Wrong" (HuffPo)

"Buried at the end of Chris Rovzar and Jada Yuan's fantastic White House Correspondents' Association Dinner party report is an incendiary quote from Christopher Hitchens about the evening's entertainment, comedienne Wanda Sykes:

'The president should be squirming in his seat. Not smiling,' he said. 'The black dyke got it wrong. No one told her the rules....'"

      msanthrope: I hope his liver fails. n/t

GDP, May 10, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=132x8401981

This one also earned a KamaAina Golden Pineapple award!

OP by rpannier: It was my cat that kept us free from any more Terrorist attacks

Shortly after 9/11 I purchased a Calico kitten. Since the time I purchased the kitten there have not been any successful attacks on US soil.

GD, May 11, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x5631541

On a thread by SemiCharmedQuark: Miss California to James Dobson: 'Satan Was Trying to Tempt Me' with gay marriage question

"I felt as though Satan was trying to tempt me in asking me this question. And then God was in my head and in my heart saying, 'Do not compromise this. You need to stand up for me and you need to share with all these people . . . you need to witness to them and you need to show that you're not willing to compromise that for this title of Miss USA.'

And I knew right here that it wasn't about winning. It was about being true to my convictions..."

      gratuitous: You'd think God could come up with something better than "opposite marriage"

I think the Old Boy is slipping. But in the heat of the moment maybe the Creator of the Universe clutched and couldn't remember the phrase "traditional marriage." Sure seemed to be on the ball with Moses, though. Or maybe we just have the benefit of a couple thousand years of editing so that we get "Let my people go," when Moses really said something like, "Make the Israelites un-slaves."

I foresee a very lucrative career for Miss Prejean on the fundamentalist lecture circuit, drawing fat honoraria for telling people what they want to hear and dressing it up as orthodoxy.

GD, May 11, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x5633975

OP by Sparkly: Write your own Leftist Hallmark Cards here!!

Mother's Day card:
I'm super happy you're my mommy
And proud that you're a pinko commie!

      emulatorloo: It's your Birthday! So today we redistribute our wealth to you

      LiberalHeart: Sympathy

My heart bleeds for you.

      EFerrari: Another Mother's Day card:

Dear Mother

I'm glad you knew no torture works
to keep us safe from Wall Street perks

      Stinky The Clown: Happy Anniversary

From the first time we walked in our earth shoes.
I knew the one for me was youz.

      Lint Head: Dearest Mother I love you a lot.

Now sign the petition to legalize pot.

      Mme. Defarge: Get well soon!

While you still have insurance.

      Arugula Latte: All purpose:

On the cover:
"Steal This Card"

      FloridaJudy: Condolences on your job being out-sourced.

I'd lend you my torch and pitchfork, but they were made in China.

      bleever: Happy Holidays, Comrade!

We conquered each continent,
Island, and isthmus,
And now raise a toast:
We finally killed Christmas!

      bleever: Looking Forward to our Special Day.

With stem cells and condoms
Our potion we thicken,
Ensuring our next SCOTUS member's
A Wiccan!


In Satan's name,

Your Child's kindergarten teacher.

      Arugula Latte: Sympathy

Your loved one has died
And that's very hard -- But,
Look on the bright side:
His carbon footprint? Cut!

      chalky: With Sadness, on the Collapse of Your Party

Your country's gone pinko, your Empire in shambles,
Your prepaid show hosts are reduced to sad rambles,
That old saying holds that these sorrows shall pass...
But Limbaugh can still kiss my black cystless ass.

Plenty more gems.

GD, May 11, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x5635636

On a thread by FourScore: Astronauts uncover long line of nicks on shuttle

"The Atlantis astronauts have uncovered a long stretch of nicks on their space shuttle, the result of launch debris.

They were inspecting their ship Tuesday for signs of launch damage when they came across the nicks. Mission Control informed the crew that it's a 21-inch stretch of nicks over four to five thermal tiles on the right side of Atlantis. The damage is where the right wing joins the fuselage..."

      endarkenment: "The damage is where the right wing joins the fuselage"

the damage is almost always where the right wing gets involved with anything.

LBN, May 12, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=102x3873140

On a thread by Hepburn: Sarah Palin to Release Memoir

      SalmonChantedEvening: Abstinence makes the heart grow flounder?

Wasilla Gorilla?

:smoke:

      KamaAina: Oooh! Let's title it, shall we?

"Things I Can Practically See From My House"
"With Respect to Charlie"
"The Out-of-Wedlock Chronicles"
"I Gave John McCain Cooties"

Wheee! Fun!!

      H2O Man: Thanks, Sarah.

Every person on earth thinks about you, at least once a day for an hour. We need to know more.

      Libertyfirst: I can hardly wait to read both pages. n/t

GD, May 12, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x5642152

On a thread by KamaAina: Help me title Sarah Palin's memoir!

      BurtWorm: The Audacity of a Dope

      HopeHoops: "Thanks, But No Thanks!"

      struggle4progress: "There's -- of course, again, um, very, um, I don't know, any of 'em, as if we all didn’t know that"

A good title helps the reader know what to expect

The Lounge, May 12, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x8765299

On a thread by ccharles000: Sarah Palin book due out next spring

"Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin will be publishing a memoir in spring 2010 that chronicles both her political and personal life, publishing sources said.

Palin has continued to fascinate the public even after her rocky run as last year’s Republican vice presidential candidate, on a ticket with Sen. John McCain.

The book will include her reflections on balancing her time as a working mother, recognizing the war’s impact with her son serving combat in Iraq, having a child with a disability, and supporting her teenage daughter through an unplanned pregnancy..."

      SoCalDem: Uh oh.. spring's birthin' time..Maybe she'll give birth to another grandchild too

It would spark up the storyline..Maybe this time she could go into labor while shooting wolves from a chopper...land on a glacier, have the baby and then go shoot a moose..and still make it back for a dinnertime meeting with the press.. :)

      rasputin1952: Fascinating how many illiterates foist their tomes upon the public...

Limbaugh, O'Reilly, Coulter, Hannity (who's "selling point" was there were no words over 2 syllables in the book!), bush and all the rest.

When in the library a while back, in the New Titles section, there were a host of books by Liberal and Conservative authors. Looking at the selection, I noticed that the Liberal authors not only outnumbered the Conservative, but there was actually dust on a Coulter book (dust in a library!!!)... :D I went over to the desk w/my selections and asked the librarian about that, and she said that no one took out Coulter's books...ever. I am in deep Red Nebraska, and Coulter doesn't even get a free read... :rofl:

edit: I mention illiteracy, lo and behold, I have to correct a typo... :blush:

      Sparkly: It's taking her nine months to write it.

But some say it's actually her daughter who's the real author.

      RoadRage: Well, hopefully some crazy mayor somewhere won't try to BAN it..

That would be a horrendous thing to do......

GDP, May 13, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=132x8404138

OP by bleever: Name Sarah Palin's book!

C'mon DU, we can do it! Offer your best suggestions here.


I'll start:

"20,000 Leagues out of My League"

"Slaughterhouse: Fine"

"To Kill a Mockingbird from a Helicopter"


Anyone else?

      Xipe Totec: Hate is Enough n/t

      MineralMan: Also Ran -- You Betcha

      SharonRB: A Bridge Too Far to Nowhere

      smokey nj: Also Too

      SoCalDem: How To Give Birth to Your Grandchild

      spanone: Skins from my Father

      Patsy Stone: "Bringin' it to Ya!: The Sarah Palin Story".

:hi:

      SalmonChantedEvening: One Flew Over The Abstinence. n/t

      Dukkha: $10.95 firewood kindling

      Bozita: Half-baked Alaska

      bleever: Alaskan Airspace: Inside the Mind of Sarah Palin.

      RevCheesehead: Nordstrom's: The Final Frontier

      chollybocker: 'The Lyin', the BITCH and the Wardrobe.'

I suggested that on DU a few months ago, when her wardrobe was still relevant news. I love when pundits steal my snarks.

      TheCowsCameHome: "From Here to Maternity"

      bleever: A Guide to Idaho's Community Colleges.

      spanone: War and War

      Canuckistanian: English My Way

A relaxed approach to speaking

      Botany: If I can be so bold.

Moby Grift

Sarah Shrugged

The Son Also Rises (or How I shipped my boy to Michigan and then the Army to keep him out of jail)

Something Wicked This Way Cums ...... The Brad & Sarah Story

A Snowmachine Called Desire

Wasilla-House Five

Who is a Afraid of the Virgin's Wolf

The Great Gasbag

Lolita The Bristol Palin Story

The Lying in Winter

Tundra Thunder

or WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING JOHN?

      KamaAina: Hockey Mommie Dearest

:P

      Berry Cool: My Story Of Course Including My Early Life, Of Course Growin' Up, Gettin' Married, Havin' Kids,

and Later On, How I Became Governor Also, and Also What It Was Like Runnin' for Vice President of This Great Country Also Too.

      bleever: Pretty good, but it needs a subtitle.

:rofl:

      RevCheesehead: Lipstick Bungle

      krispos42: "Who's Nailin' Palin?"

Subtitle:

"The Ethics Investigations of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin"

:-)


*********

"In This Respect, Charlie: Alaska Governor Sarah Palin Sets the Record Straight"

*********

"Death from Above: Alaska Governor Sarah Palin's Guide to Aerial Hunting"

*********

"Kill It and Grill It, You Betcha: Alaska Governor Sarah Palin's Field Cookbook"

********

"Thanks but No Thanks: Governor Sarah Palin's Guide to Sexual Abstinence"

********

"Drill Baby Drill!: Governor Sarah Palin's Guide to Post-Abstinence Sexual Relations"

********

"It'a a Child, Not a Choice: Governor Sarah Palin's Guide to Post-Sexual-Relations Pregnancy"

      AwakeAtLast: "Way Too Much Northern Exposure"

:D

And lots more!

GD, May 13, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x5649991

OP by ThisThreadIsSatire: BREAKING NEWS: Obama Appoints Ron Kuby to Supreme Court

Ponytail Decisive Factor

In a move that surprised everyone except those in his innermost-circle, President Obama today announced his appointment of liberal New York attorney, Air America host, and card-carrying ACLU member Ron Kuby to fill the U.S. Supreme Court seat being vacated by the suddenly conservative-looking David Souter.

Kuby, a protégé of the late William Kunstler, is best known not only for his radio show which boasts the client-inspiring title “Doing Time”, but for his client list, which according to the Air America website includes, among others: World Trade Center Bombers; Long Island Railroad gunman Colin Ferguson; the Hells Angels Motorcycle Club; … airplane hijackers; The All-Mighty Latin King and Queen Nation; plaintiffs in two United States Supreme Court cases establishing First Amendment protection for flag-burning; and Satan, best known for his ‘bad guy’ role in the book “The New Testament”.

“While Ron is not the ‘bomb thrower’ some were afraid I might choose, he nonetheless appreciates the principles of our Constitution enough to uphold the standard that even bomb throwers are entitled to a defense under our system of justice,” the President said in announcing his decision, “In addition, as both a student and a teacher of Constitutional law, I am keenly aware of the relevant history of our highest court. When our nation and its courts were in their infancy, it was the wisdom of our founding fathers and our early justices that forged the unique and lasting system of justice we enjoy to this day. And we must not forget that most of these legal pioneers wore their hair in ponytails. Yet nearly two centuries have passed since any member of the highest court in our land has done so. With all of the challenges this Court will face in the 21st century, I feel that we cannot afford to allow this trend to continue. Ponytails must once again share their rightful place on the bench of the United States Supreme Court.”

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, responding to reporters’ questions during his daily briefing, further explained the President’s decision, saying, “I think the President made clear his position on men with ponytails being represented on the Court. That being said, the field was essentially narrowed down to future Justice Kuby and Ben Nighthorse Campbell. Senator Campbell is 76 now, and enjoying his jewelry business. Mr. Kuby will be 53 when the next Court convenes in October. The President is hopeful that his ponytail wisdom will be a constructive influence on American jurisprudence for many years to come.”

Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel, when asked if the Administration feared a possible Republican filibuster attempting to block the controversial nominee, said, “of course we expect a f*****g filibuster. Those f*****g c***suckers have a problem everything the President does, right down to the choice of his f*****g tie. F**k them.”

House Minority Leader John Boehner’s office released a statement in response to the surprise nomination, which read: “Just as with the economy and the illegal torture of prisoners, it’s all Pelosi’s fault.”

GDP, May 13, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=132x8404550

On a thread by jefferson_dem: From AP's "No Shit Sherlock" Bureau: Cheney attacks may not help GOP

      rasputin1952: For 8 years no one could pry this jughead's mouth open w/a crowbar...

now it seems as if there isn't enough Crazy Glue in the country to keep it shut. Fine by me...the more he talks, the more the rational GOP types dislike the cretin.

Every time he shows up on some talk show, the more he underscores the incredible failure of the bush adminstration...Go for it Dick! Your are our best ally at this point... :rofl:

GDP, May 13, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=132x8404246

On a thread by Hepburn: Iraq general swayed Obama on detainee photos

"Gen. Ray Odierno, along with other top defense officials, argued that releasing the images of alleged detainee abuse would endanger US troops abroad..."

      babylonsister: And all this time I thought Odierno was an American.

:hide:


:hi:

GDP, May 13, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=132x8405557

On a thread by Turborama: Moses was high on drugs: Israeli researcher

"High on Mount Sinai, Moses was on psychedelic drugs when he heard God deliver the Ten Commandments, an Israeli researcher claimed in a study published this week..."

      salguine: So Moses was, to use the clinical term, "tripping balls"?

      dysfunctional press: no wonder it took him 40 days to carve those tablets...

and come up with the back-story.

      leftofthedial: religion, not scrambled eggs, best represents your mind on drugs.

GD, May 13, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x5650796

OP by LeftyFingerPop: I have the entire lounge on the phone...

And the best way I can describe what I am hearing is "the sound of a hundred monkeys trying to fuck a wet football".

      elshiva: Thank you. At least I get to fuck a WET football this time.

The Lounge, May 13, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x8768181

On a thread by underpants: Yellowstone Workers Fired for Urinating in Old Faithful

"Two seasonal Yellowstone National Park concession workers have been fired after a live webcam caught them urinating into the Old Faithful geyser.

Park spokesman Al Nash says a 23-year-old man on Tuesday was fined $750 and placed on three years of unsupervised probation for urinating, being off trail in a restricted area and taking items from the area.

The man also was banned from Yellowstone for two years.

The second employee's case is pending.

The park's dispatch center was called after someone watching a webcam on the geyser saw six employees leaving the trail and walking on Old Faithful on May 4.

The geyser was not erupting at the time..."

      Tangerine LaBamba: Kids today, I swear ..........

In the old days, we'd have had sex while Old Faithful was erupting.

I don't know where we lost our focus, our standards. Kids today lack, what, imagination? Hormones?

      bertman: In the old days?? Sounds like you need to take your Geritol, old timer.

:evilgrin:

      Tangerine LaBamba: Hmmmmmmmm?


What?

Somebody say something?

God, this chafing is driving me .......... did they bring dinner yet?

Where's my magazine?

I already ate it? Oh. Was it good?

      Art_from_Ark: Geritol? Do they still make that?

I remember it being the sponsor of Ted Mack's Original Amateur Hour back in the '60s, but I haven't heard a peep from it since.

      bertman: According to The Google, they (Glaxo-Smith-Kline) still make it. You don't hear much

about it because its users generally can't remember if they took their dose this morning or if they even still take it.

Or what it is, for that matter.

Now, what were we talking about?

      stevedeshazer: Who leaked this story?

Bet there was beer involved.

      daleo: Urine candid camera. n/t

LBN, MAy 14, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=102x3877923

On a thread by elleng: Free Lipitor, Viagra, Other Drugs for Jobless

"Pfizer Inc. says it will provide 70 of its most widely prescribed prescription drugs -- including Lipitor and Viagra -- for free to people who have lost their jobs and health insurance.

The world's biggest drugmaker said Thursday it will give away the medicines for up to a year to Americans who lost jobs since Jan. 1 and have been on the Pfizer drug for three months or more..."

      onehandle: Well, if you're jobless you're always looking for something to do. nt

      WillYourVoteBCounted: oh good, the poor slobs can f---- themselves into oblivion

No tolerance for sexual impotence, just financial impotence.

      Dark: Oh god. No job to keep busy + Viagra? Say hello to another baby boomer generation.

LBN, May 14, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=102x3876944

OP by Tangerine LaBamba: Just earlier tonight on

"Anderson Cooper 360," which came on because I would have to move to change the channel, and that's not happening.

Sanjay Gupta, MD, reported - and I have no reason to doubt his accuracy in reporting - that marijuana (it's a plant whose leaves, I believe, are supposed to convey certain experiences when ingested in any number of ways - I heard) today has about 30% more THC than did marijuana from 20 years ago.

At least I think that's what he said. It was something like that. I couldn't hear it all too clearly because of the crunching sound these potato chips were making in my mouth.

I don't remember why I posted this .............................

GD, May 15, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x5659025

OP by jpak: FOX: Pelosi authored torture memos, faked Iraqi yellowcake docs, personally water-boarded OBL

Well...they WILL say it eventually....

:puke:

      wryter2000: She let the dogs out, too. n/t

      Bucky: Nancy Pelosi caused the 1989 World Series earthquake

Nancy Pelosi invented rock cocaine in her basement chem lab.

      Vickers: I haven't trusted her since she canceled the GM electric car.

*spits toe-backy juice*

      edhopper: It's too bad

Cheney and Bush didn't have the power to stop her.

GD, May 15, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x5661451