Men/Women...Do you resent your stay at home partner?

Are you stressed by being the only moneymaker?

But I think that in return, I should be able to expect to come home to a sparkling clean house every day. And I think the towel rack that has been waiting to go up in the bathroom for a few years should be up.

Maybe "sparkling clean" is too much to expect, but shouldn't it at least be cleaner than when I left?

Cleaner than when you left would be a minimum requirement, I think. The towel rack deal is a no brainer too... that would tend to piss me off...

If spouse or kids: each individual is responsible (assuming kids are older than about 6).

If the stay-at-home partner is raising the kids, they're doing their fair share right there. All other home-work (inside & outside) should be equally split between spouses, after kids do what they're responsible for.

In my experience, people who "keep things sparkling" never vacuum out refrig coils, fail to vacuum behind furniture, have dead bugs in their light fixtures, and are simply focused on what can be seen (e.g., countertops). They're personally bothered by clutter (and perceive that as "unclean") and want to impose their preferences on others.

I figured that given the gift of time, he would use some of it to clean the house up a little. We're both busy. He's never done his fair share of cleaning.

I'm happy to do the shopping and cooking (and working!) I think he should be willing to take out the recycling (he amasses way more than I do), take out the trash, do the dishes (even the ones I use), and we share the laundry. He mows (he enjoys this). I think that's fair.

to be expected to clean up after a grown adult, under any circumstances. If I voluntarily agreed (absolutely no pressure), then my actions would reflect that. I would end the relationship if it was expected.

I would suggest, though, since you've put up with this ("He's never done his fair share of cleaning"), now is not the time to press the issue. Losing a job can really batter your ego. If it mattered to you, you should have pressed the issue long ago. You've lived with it, so live with it until he's in a less vulnerable place. If you press it, you're essentially saying "I pay the bills now so I make the rules." Which I don't think you would like to hear, either.

because of that vulnerability thing. However, as far as things go, we both agree that it's fine if he does enough job hunting to qualify for unemployment, but that he doesn't need to feel pressured to take a job that he wouldn't like/doesn't want. I would just think that since he's home more now than he was, he'd prefer it cleaner. Instead, it stays the same or is slightly messier when I get home than when I left.

than neat freaks - but I am not neat. And if someone messes with my piles, they hear about it (as long as the piles are kept in my personal area - which they are). My system probably would look messy to you (it does to both my sisters who are neat freaks and waste plenty of money buying things they threw away), but it works very well for me! I also do not see the point in wiping down counters 10 times a day. Unless you really create a mess, the toast crumbs & coffee rings can wait another day. More important things in this world to worry about - my criteria is how likely are they to attract insects (usually the answer is very unlikely).

Just trying to demonstrate that people truly are different in this realm, and that thinking there is only one right path is a big mistake.

:>)

cleans the house only to have the kids follow behind me and it look like i never did a thing like five minutes after i've finished... i have learned to let go of a lot of that stuff. It's very frustrating. and depressing. A long time ago I became obsessive about making my bed. The one thing I can make in the morning and have it still look like it was made all day long. Everything else... no matter what I do, will look like I never did a thing. Sweep... mop.... dishes.... laundry.... clean, clean clean... and then the tornadoes go through.

I do not expect my husband to have to clean the house, or do the laundry... or dishes... He works all day. but i do appreciate when he does try to help. But I don't expect it. As far as towel racks.... things like that.... that should be bob's thing... and i don't try to push him. but sometimes I get fed up and will at least try to do it myself.

lol

ya right.

Who don't look for work and have the balls to complain about having to do housework. That would chap my hide raw, I tell you what.

I stayed at home while raising kids to the age where they were in school full time. There was never a dirty dish or dirty laundry, there was a pot of coffee made in the morning, a full breakfast of his choosing, a full lunch packed, always clean work clothes ready in the morning, and hot meal ready to be served every night. I always figured that was my job.

When I hear complainers... ugh... I want to punch something!

and that's how my day went.

When it was his turn... not so much.

I'm hearing a lot of that... not good. Equality means equal... too bad that's being lost.

Yeah, it happened to me too. It's no fun working 8+ hours, driving home, and have someone ask you what's for dinner and where is my favorite t-shirt. Ugh.

I think we're getting closer all the time. I don't think there's anyplace on earth where it is the norm that housework is divided equally or fairly... not yet at least.

She handles the bills and raises our daughter I pay them and help with her when I can as much as I can.

She is loving and caring and I make sure we have a place to be loving and caring.

She keeps me sane and I keep her loved.

But if you are taking care of that (part of the "place to be loving and caring" IMO) then hey, what's the problem?

i lie what you are saying

Good for you!

She can't stand it that she has to go out to work while I get to stay at home and work. And she hates that I make more money doing it :).

I know my husband thinks that he'd love being at home, but I don't think he realized how difficult that could be with small children. Work was definitely easier!

That said, the pressure on him, financially is rough. I do feel badly about that (I'm currently p/t, and work in a nonprofit - so rich I'm never going to get from that!). OTOH, I can be much more available for all the home and family things that need to be done.

I feel that. They think i'm lucky that i get to stay home and think i eat bon bons all day and watch soap operas. It's tough being a sahm. No adult conversation.... no vacation days or sick days. I chose it, and I am glad that I have the choice to do it. My sister is at home right now too, and I can tell it's hard on her. But she is working from home too, so at least she has some income of her own. It's hard feeling like you are contributing to the family when you feel that you have nothing of your own. When I watched my sister's kids for her, I at least felt I was bringing in a little. But, my husband is very supportive and tells me that what I am doing is very important and that I contribute a lot. I raise the girls... clean the house.... well, i try. my house isn't immaculate...especially right now. I am 7 months pregnant and just get tired and my back is killing me at about halfway through cleaning. LOL! so my 10 year old is the lucky helper. She gets to clean the living room and I have her doing dishes at least a couple of times a week. And she gets an allowance for it too. Which she likes.

I feel very lucky to be able to be home. And I get to hear my family tell me how they wish they could stay home.... I figure that working outside the home would cost me more than it would be worth. Daycare.... gas.... I did that before when emy was a baby. It was like I was working two full time jobs, and I wasn't even making enough to pay any bills!! half my check went to the sitter. We don't live high on the hog. We have one vehicle... we don't go out much. Are there things i'd love to be able to do??? or buy??? sure. but being able to be here when the kids get off the bus... that means more to me than anything else. I know people who buy and buy and never seem to have any money.... and they are miserable. their kids have everything they could want and they are miserable. my kids may not have everything they want, but they have what they need.

in the same school system. It was perfect. My work day was over 15 minutes after school let out, so I was home by the time the bus dropped them off.

My oldest is 10 and ashley is starting preschool in the fall, half days... i was hoping to go back to work part time maybe once she was in kindergarten, but now i get to start all over with baby number 3. so scratch that. I wish i could do something from home.... but, i haven't written in a long time, and I don't know if i even still could. My brain feels like it's turned to mush. I did babysit a few years ago, but got screwed in that deal, so I don't want to do that again. Except for family. At least I can do that when they need it.

is making some decent money writing online articles. I'll give her a call later and pm you with details.

but that's in part a measure of the reputation I built earlier working f/t. The flexibility is a really huge plus for me. Though it means less stature, professionally, the advantages of a schedule like that are priceless. No haggling with day care providers? That's the ticket!

it was sort of like the Peace Corp used to advertise: the hardest job you'll ever love. I agree with you - it was a blessing to be able to have that time with my 2nd. (I went back at 5 weeks with the first - f/t). I was a bit older, it was tough to keep up with a very active little one. But I look back at those years now with the most wonderful memories - and I got to share all of it with him.

Like you say though - it requires 100% attention, 100% of the time, and your workday starts early and ends very late. You don't have the satisfaction of a paycheck to feel you're contributing. (Part of why I started consulting a bit from home after about 9 months).

I haven't worked in the last four years for pay, i.e.! I've even had him get angry and ask what it is that I do all day. One of the outbursts occurred recently so I quietly went on strike. He has since taken back his words. I feel guilty not earning money anymore but we eat better and everything is a whole lot cleaner and neater. I'm working on something that I believe may bring in some money so we'll see. I MISS not earning money!

the status quo, clean laundry, my son's meds, etc.

chickens, doves, wild birds, deer and antelope plus his worm farm. None of these take a great deal of time but they were not my idea but I do most of the work and in the heat lately it's hard for me. I've been waiting 3 days for him to unload the car with bird seed that I needed yesterday! I've got a bum wrist/arm and simply cannot wield a 50# bag. I shouldn't complain because my husband is a loving person but.............I do have my limits. I'd like to have a girl Friday clearing the way for me to go to work and not have to worry about meals, cleaning, laundry, shopping (which I loathe) etc. PLUS, house work is so-o boring...same old, same old, day in and out, week after week.

just for one day!!! that kind of thing ticks me off!! LOL!! It is tough not earning money... your own money. we had our anniversary recently, and i was going to get my husband a present... but it felt like it was HIS money, and he'd be buying his own present. I feel like going on strike sometimes too.

I especially have trouble when I see him buying things and there are things I need. Like an eye exam...it's been nine years!

and it just got us into trouble. i can admit i have trouble spending money sometimes... bob would buy cigarettes and i admit i would get mad because I needed to get something... groceries or I needed new sneakers.. (well, i do actually need those). at least he finally quit smoking about 10 weeks ago. he's surprised by how much money he has extra now!! he likes to go to tim hortons and get coffee.... i can live with that. I feel guilty if I go get lunch or something.... I try to limit any of that to once a week.

attitude wouldn't bother me so much but I sold my home and basically turned over 123 thousand dollars to put into a business and pay off things like his credit cards and cashed in my stock (not much) and insurance. It was all I had. I want to work again because I think I will feel better and I know he will and if not, at least I could support myself. Isn't that an awful thing to think. I am not from this area and his family here, married daughter with six kids and single son, have done zero to make me feel part of the family. I have tried doing things to help them out and am sweet to them and all I get is snark in return. I quit doing for them five or six months ago. My husband works five days a week and spends nine hours or so each weekend day in his shop doing his stuff. He comes home for meals. Now that I'm writing this out I realize the situation isn't good, is it? I just have to stay focused, succeed and then decide how to finish out my life.Gee, this is depressing. Well, time to do the chicken chores! It's 99 degrees.

and didn't get much in return. as for family, i guess there's those all over. that's a tough one. I only really have to deal with bob's brother... and we get along ok.... now. My family is nearby. They love bob.... now. wasn't always like that. It sucks to be so separated from someplace you know. Sounds like you really need to get yourself out and doing things for yourself, and see where that goes. I think it's the worst feeling in the world to feel trapped and beholden or anything. i am not saying you feel that way, but it sounds like you are pretty isolated at the very least. Get out and do your own thing, and get some self esteem back. sounds like you could use a good dose of that. good luck. my thoughts are with you.

much...enough with a little left over. Everything seems so expensive today. Our food bills are outrageous and I do most from scratch. I should put a better light on my husband who works very hard and has done a lot as we have the money to do so to our little house. It's more the times than anything else and he isn't mean. I have had the owner of a contemporary art galley want my work but now that my hand is bad, I'm a sculptor, that's sort of out. (I made a decent living and was so proud of that.) We have no insurance so I'm hoping that with a brace,aspirin and care I will heal. That may not make any difference though because everytime I drive by the gallery there's no one there except the sales person. I don't think a lot of art is selling these days. One outlet is not enough either.

The last few days I have been learning about websites and blogs. Very interesting stuff. Would like to make use of a book I started several years ago and give out lots of free stuff and hopefully, attract some advertising. It's my only thought. Lots to learn!

I just think my husband is very frustrated. He's worked hard since his teens and now is 56. Lost a million dollars in the S&L scandal and knows he'll never get back to his old life-style again. I don't have such high aspirations and it wasn't my money lost so I have a different outlook. Wish I thought the economy would get better but I don't have much confidence in that. Tommorrow will be a better day!

so tight every payday. I know how to juggle.... And i have told my hubby that I would not want to win the lottery because I am so used to struggling to make the bills. That's sad isn't it. But it's something I know well. You have to learn to appreciate the little things all the more when you don't have much. And I think that working as a team helps.... the feeling that you aren't in it alone and there is at least one other person who is on your team and fighting with you.

getting this property liveable and a building built for his business and all the storage units finally emptied we were living scared. We sold stuff. I sold my car and my hubby sold his Bobcat and another big piece of equipment. WIth that and tightening our belts on everything else and doing without, we made it. So, today is better than then as long as the work holds out. It really is imperative I do something. I've looked for jobs but they're not worth the effort, if you understand. I did more for our life staying home and pinching every last penny. My cooking actually got better!

I think you hit it on the head. I have always operated with the idea of partnership. I don't feel like a partner but rather a liability and that is not a good feeling. My sense of self-worth is so diminished without personal income.

edit: I had this thought too and that's that my husband woould be doing exactly as he is regardless of my presence. I, on the other hand would be doing something very different.

the effort. and i don't think it's the income so much, but the feeling of contributing that is bothering you. but a job just for job's sake doesn't always help. keep looking... i don't know what your field of work is, but I'm sure there has to be something out there that is just right for you.

had anyone to discuss it with before this. My work was actually a fantasy world that sold! It brought me such joy even when at times economic worries could have been over-whelming but I always made it. I'll find something. Today will be my third day of studying. Hopefully soon, I'll find a niche! Thanks again.

Where it is far easier to see what has not been done than it is to see what has been done. I felt guilty not earning when I was home too... in hindsight, I worked damn hard and things were great! I had more time to shop wisely, cook awesome things, keep the house spotless (and I do mean spotless) sew, crochet, emroider... be Cub Master... and the news editor of a fanzine! Hell! I was freaking wonder woman! LOL!!

I'd love nothing better than to be able to stay home like that again.

Hope you are able to find some balance....me too!

:hug:

It's all about the balance, there's no question!

Though most of the women in my family worked or eventually worked...husbands of that day and age never complained...

And, while it would be nice if they cleaned while I was gone, I can accept the fact that they won't. Personally, I would be content if they would leave things so that when I get home, everything is the same as when I left in the morning.

But, some days, I walk in the house, look around and yell "OH MY GOD!!! What the hell did you Goddamn Dogs DO?!?!?!"

And, no, I don't resent the fact that they stay home, don't clean the house, expect me to wait on them, and allow me the privilege of a tiny little fraction of their bed every night.

I don't have a stay at home partner anymore, but I did for a long time. I resented him not because I was the sole income, but because he did next to nothing at home to help out. There were short periods where he would, but most of the time he didn't.

If I had been in a situation where my partner had actually took care of their share of duties as their fair responsibility - and not as a personal favor to me (how he saw it), I wouldn't have resented him.

before my spouse would agree to it. Largely, it has worked out quite well. I am fortunate to earn enough that funding is no stress on things, and my job seems at no apparent risk.

If she stopped working to be a stay at home mother, I would be extremely resentful. It might even be a deal breaker for me.

My husband has Multiple Sclerosis and suffers from pain, fatigue as well as a myriad of other debilitating symptoms. I work, he doesn't. So he does the shopping, makes appointments, pays the bills, takes care of any emergency, big or small, takes me to work and picks me up, the list of things he does do, even something as small as anticipating my need for chocolate or finding me some little "prize" as he call them, is endless.

Did I mention he loves me unconditionally? Now that is a powerful thing to experience, and I try to reciprocate.

spouse when he retired first.

Have been for 10 years. I love it. I do 100% of the housework and bill paying, and 90% of the yardwork. We have a large house and live on an acre. There is a lot to do.
My husband appreciates that he comes home to a nice meal, a clean home and a pleasant wife.
I appreciate my husband working hard to earn money for both of us.
We do our best to make life great for each other. There is no competition of who works harder.
I have worked full-time jobs AND have done all the housework. I wasn't a fun person to be around.

it would cost a small fortune, besides that she gets to be home with our little ones. I am very lucky we are in a position to be a one income family, especially while the kids are small.

i tell him he owes me a lot of money. LOL! there is no amount of money that can compare to being able to watch your kids grow up... all those firsts. and you know how your kids are being raised, too. when i worked, i felt like someone else was raising my daughter... and i didn't always like what she was being exposed to, either. they smoked around her, when i quit when i was pregnant and my husband never smoked around her. that ticked me off. it's nice to have the choice.

...one FTE to maintain a healthy living environment and circumstances, and one FTE to maintain financial security, and one FTE to nurture children. And NONE of the FTEs would be the sole responsibility of any one person. That is, all adults would have some balance of responsibilities in two or more areas.

That's why this whole "nuclear family" thing was a flop, IMHO. It led us to think that "normal" is a complete division of responsibility between two people, with no overlap. And one person gets two-thirds of the responsibility (maintaining the living environment/circumstances AND nurturing the children) and little of the credit, and the other would get one-third of the responsibility (financial security) and a whopping fat lot of the credit.

I like to think we are moving to a post-nuclear-family world, but I don't think it will really happen until we all develop a lot more respect for the importance of the well-managed home environment and its role in our health and success. Men are perfectly capable of learning the many complex, detailed, highly organized tasks required to maintain a clean, healthy environment, including food preparation, clothing care, supply and inventory management, etc. But up until the last generation or so, it was considered not only not as important as revenue generation, but positively demeaning to their 'manliness'.

I know several stay-at-home men who work, look after kids, and are managing the home environment as well, and doing a damn' fine job of it. But they do tend to be younger guys, who were never warped by the whole nuclear-family-mens-work-versus-womens-work crap. Older guys seem to take a perverse pride in being unable to master the complexities of managing a home environment competently, a petty troglodyte attitude which annoys the fool outta me.

If your male partner is the one with the most stay at home time, chuck him a copy of "Home Comforts," maybe the best-written manual on home environmental management of the modern era, and see what he does with it.

When my esposo works at home he makes time to do dishes, run errands, clean up after the cat, etc. We tend to split things more evenly since we both work from home some of the time and elsewhere some of the time.

thoughtfully,
Bright

after my ex left for work in the morning I would clean up breakfast,vaccuum,mop the floor,scrub the bathroom,go grocery shopping,run errands and the house would sparkle by the time he came back. I would have cooked too but I can't cook, but my ex LOVED to cook and would cook dinner after working all day cooking.

I do construction, which is sometimes brutal and always dangerous but once I'm off the clock, I'm off the clock. She's busy doing her thing all day long. I help her as much as I can though, I'll do dishes and laundry (I even learned how to fold) a few times a week to give her a break. As we speak she's off with the kids for a week in Florida while I'm still working. Times are too tight in my business for me to miss any time and she deserves to get away for a while. I'm not stressed at all, we're a team.

... and ignore the brutal damage this fucked up society does to our own souls.

First off, let's mandate a thirty hour work weeks and six week annual vacations. Ban overtime for any occupation not absolutely essential to the public health and safety, and be absolutely strict about that. Thirty hours in a week and you go home, unless someone right there in front of you is going to die.

The puritan work ethic must be murdered, it's stinking corpse burned, and the poisonous ashes welded into stainless steel containers to be disposed of with other irredeemably toxic industrial wastes.

Fine, there are people who love to work extra hours. Let them be self employed. But make it a felony for them to expect the same of their employees.

That would put an end to all this shit. More people could find work, and even if the work was crappy, it would only be thirty hours a week, leaving them plenty of time to find work that wasn't crappy, or at least make it endurable. Couples with children could easily arrange their work schedules so one parent was always at home. And for goodness sakes, let nursing moms stay home for at least a year or two if they think that's best for their kids...

Overtime in and of itself is not the problem.... it's the overtime that one gets with a salaried position. my husband used to work for a company that installed and serviced directv. He was fleet manager in the buffalo office. He was on salary. They expected him to work all these hours on that salary. It was to the point where they were going to expect him to climb under vehicles and fix them himself.... i know this because after he left, the guy that took his job told bob what they had him doing. he drew the line at mechanic. not that he couldn't do it... but mechanics get more than 575 a week pay. At least bob gets paid for his time where he is. though they don't want anyone getting any overtime right now, and bob doesn't unless he has to.

It would be nice to have more vacation time. bob gets two weeks right now. he used one to go camping for the 4th, and the rest is used for little things like doctor's appointments and such. they had a guy who left on his own that came back recently and they gave him all the bennies he had before he left.... including five weeks of vacation. it's nice of them and all, but wtf!! i think next year bob may move up to three weeks of vacation. i'm waiting for the day when we can actually go on a vacation. not use vacation days to do work on the housse and stuff like that. my dad had vacation time when i was a kid. we went camping in the adirondacks every summer for like two weeks. and we went to florida to visit my grandparents a few times over the years.

Probably 95% or more of the people in salaried positions are simply employees who don't get paid overtime. It's a scam benifitting the employer in the same way that "independent contractor" is a scam.

The trade for a salaried position used to be job security. So long as the company existed your job was secure. That's not the way it is anymore.