A natural history of conservatives

There has been a bewildering array of new species of 'conservative' in recent months from "birthers" to "teabaggers" to "town hall disrupters" and I thought it would be good to put a post up to educate DUers as to these exotic new fauna. I'll make the disclaimer right up front that I am not a professional biologist, so anyone having any corrections or additions is welcome to add to this post.

All conservatives belong to the genus Fascisti, an offshoot of the primates which displays evolutionary regression to cruder tools, less reasoning ability, and inability to spell. They can be distinguished from normal humans by their irrational outbursts at logic, their determination to defeat their own self-interest, and their fear of new things.

There is some confusion as to the maturation process of the conservative, which is understandable, since while their physical appearance can change, there is never, ever, any change in their mental processes. The most valued stage of the conservative is the fetal stage, which the male of the species will protect with lethal effects to any perceived threat. However, once the juvenile conservative emerges from its brood hatch (see google images "vagina is not a clown car" for a visual), it is pretty much ignored if it needs school, school lunches, or health services.

Conservatives can be distinguished by their prominent cranial feature, the "numbskull". Evolutionary pressures have resulted in the bones of the skull being much, much thicker than in normal humans. In certain individuals, the bones are so thick as to prevent any facts from penetrating. However, rather than protect the brain, this thickening has resulted in atrophy, which explains the evolutionary regression already noted.

The white hood is absent in adolescent stage of the fascist known as the "skinhead". As the skinhead matures, it becomes too unstable to engage in daily grooming rituals and the hairs of the numbskull begin to lengthen into the "flattop" stage. The flattop tries to disguise other features of its appearance, usually behind mirror shades, a big, fat beer belly, or a uniform with a badge, but generally leaves the top of the numbskull open for the sun to bleach to a brilliant white. While incubation in the flattop stage can take a long time, the conversion to the "white hood" stage can be fairly quick, sometimes occurring over a single "night ride". With the white hood, the fascist has reached adulthood and begins to look for a mate by emitting its call of 'ditto-rush-ditto' over AM radio.

The aging conservative is a far more dangerous creature than the younger one which will disguise itself as 'libertarian' so as not to frighten normal humans. The "old coot" stage conservative makes no attempt to get along and actually seeks out logic and attacks it, similar to a rabid weasel in a henhouse. Humans that try to approach the old coot with logic are in a high level of danger as the conservative is know to respond to logic with screaming, tantrums, and physical violence. The best way to handle dangerous old coots is to give them some coupons to Cracker Barrel or put them on a bus trip to a casino. Video gaming machines have been shown to be the best method for quieting down an unruly flock of old coots.

Conservatives thrive best when fed a diet of 100% bullshit. The conservative never seems to tire of the same old weak sauce day after day, but will actually swallow anything put in front of them, no matter how ridiculous and nonsensical. If bullshit is not available, they can be fed something less nutritious for a while, like a bag of Krystals, but to be contented, they will want unlimited access to bullshit. Water quality is really of no concern to conservatives, as long as it is not fluoridated. In taste tests, conservatives have shown no preference between Old Milwaukee, horse piss, and Kool-aid.

While not generally tolerant of mind-altering substances, melanin has been shown to be a powerful hallucinogen to conservatives. The presence of melanin in a normal human will cause often trigger an instant seizure in a conservative where they get stuck yelling "Ni-ni-ni-ni-ni-ni-" at the top of their lungs. The melanin does not even have to be physically present, as even a picture of melanin shown to a conservative will cause a petit mal seizure. The half-life to melanin exposure in a conservative can vary over orders of magnitude. Conservative which have had severe melanin hallucinations will voluntarily go to northern Idaho and self-medicate with mashed potatoes and white gravy.

Conservatives are prone to most of the same diseases as all primates, however they are especially susceptible to "homosexuality". Fear of this disease runs high because it has stuck many of their prominent Senators (Larry Craig), Congressmen (Mark Foley), and preachers (Ted Haggard). Once stricken by homosexuality, the conservative must quietly disappear and go for 'counseling', a ritual in which other conservatives will gather around the afflicted one to "pray away the gay". A normal human would be tempted to try to introduce facts at this point, which would be a mistake, as a flock of conservatives confront facts in the same way piranhas confront a wounded tapir.

I apologize for the brevity of this exposition. If anyone wishes to add instructional video or picture links, I would welcome them.

they roam in packs and when confronted alone tend to squawk two to three word sentences repeatedly.

;-)

social scientists that the primitive species was headed for the endangered list, particularly in late 2008, when some studies reported a significant drop in their numbers. However, those studies appear to have been employing faulty metrics.

Additionally, a reassurance in Conservative attacks on their principal prey, Democratis Uberliberalus (DU), has led to a possible reversal of fortunes. Barely two months into the second half of 2009, some authorities are actually prepared to list DU as endangered instead. With proper measures, it may still be possible to ensure the survival of DU, although some sources cite an acute lack of hope.

Conservative slyentist, Sarah Palin, to issue grave warnings that such a measure would greatly reduce the numbers of Conservatives in the wild, and could possibly lead the Endangered designation, and ultimately to extinction.

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x6247694

So lets see what you said about conservatives: they display "evolutionary regression" are "irrational" "numskulls" with thick bones, have bad fashion sense, are prone to respond to logic with "screaming, tantrums, and physical violence." They're racist gambling addicts who feed on bullshit. And "they are especially susceptible to 'homosexuality'."

:wtf:

In the words of that old Sesame Street jingle,

"One of these things is not like the others,
One of these things just doesn't belong,
Can you tell which thing is not like the others
By the time I finish my song?"