Suicide Bomber Strikes Indiana Farmer’s Market (Satire)

Columbus -- A car bomb tore through the Saturday Farmer’s Market in Columbus, Indiana yesterday, killing seven shoppers and wounding at least twenty others. The bombing marks a new increase in sectarian violence between the hard-line Methodists and radical Presbyterians in this southern Indiana city. Indiana Congressman Mike Pence, a native of Columbus, appealed for calm among the city’s religious leaders.

“I’ve just returned from a visit to an open air market in Baghdad,” Pence said, “and believe me I think that we could all learn a think or two from those people.” Pence recently accompanied John McCain (R-Arizona) to Baghdad and said that conditions there compared favorably to open air markets in his native state.

Experts on Middle Western Christianity say that the rift between the Methodists and Presbyterians goes back to 18th century England and the Methodist revival lead by John Wesley. But some religious scholars point to more recent developments, most notably a 24-3 shellacking delivered by the Clifford United Methodist Church softball team over the team from Fairlawn Presbyterian in 2003.

Residents say that armed paramilitary death squads began roaming the streets of Columbus shortly thereafter, and the security situation has deteriorated ever since.

“We cannot live this way,” wailed one Presbyterian mother whose son was kidnapped and later found decapitated shortly after last year’s Moose Lodge Bowling Tournament. Like many victims caught in this deadly christian crossfire, she is thinking of emigrating to nearby Cincinnati. But leaving her home would be difficult.

“This is where I was born. This is where my son died,” she said, adding, “and I know where everything is in the aisles at the local Kroger. I’m too old to start my life over. Especially in Cincinnati.”

While the Bush Administration has sent National Guard and Army Reserve troops to patrol the streets of the troubled city, there seems to be no indication that their presence is doing anything to curb the violence. Daily life is growing increasingly dangerous for those residents who remain.

One member of the 861st Military Police Battalion, who declined to be named on the record, said the both the Presbyterian and the Methodists seem to agree only on their hatred of the American military presence. Attacks against his unit, he said, occur on a near-daily basis. All he wants to do it go home.

“I’ve got a wife, two kids, and a job waiting for me back in Pennsylvania,” he said. “If people in this town can’t get along, then that’s just too damned bad. I’m ready to get out of here.”

That will be easier said than done, however, as President Bush and Vice President Cheney insist that if the troops come home from Indiana, then the terrorists who they believe are supporting the religious violence will simply the troops home.

Republican Presidential candidate John McCain agreed with the Bush Administration. Curiously, McCain agreed with the Bush Administration before we could ever actually pose the question. “All I know is that he’s the President of the United States, and we ought to get behind him on this and every other conceivable issue,” McCain said, whose eyes seemed to be blinking a Morse Code distress signal as he spoke.

In the meantime, the killing goes on in Columbus, Indiana, whose residents can only remember better times in their community and wish that, if only for a moment, they could be as safe and secure as the lucky residents of Baghdad.

well written!

I was feeling particularly snarky today..

It's very annoying when posters don't attach such relevant labels.

You don't have to be a frustrated progressive urban planner to have recognized that ludicrous quote. I know I enjoy the sunny, free-strolling, pedestrian-friendly days around here in suburban Fort Worth. All the families and dogs going about their business on foot, to Wal-Mart stall, the Kroger stall, the Albertson's stall, the Starbucks and CVS areas of the outdoor markets are quite convenient, wouldn't you say?