Anger comes from hurt feelings

In reference to Baldwin, one thing we tend to forget about anger is that it usually comes from feeling hurt. It's clear to me that Baldwin deeply loves his daughter and cares about what she thinks about him. He wants to know she loves him and respects him.

I don't think he handled his anger correctly but I do understand what brought it on. When you are anticipating a phone call with someone you love and care about and they blow you off not just once but twice, you are going to feel very hurt and let down.

This is something I think needs to be taught more in public schools. This falls under understanding interpersonal communication and human emotions. When someone is angry as Alec Baldwin was it shows they really deeply love their child or who ever they are angry at. The person who is being yelled out should be taught that anger often comes from feelings of fear and hurt and this person is really calling out for love. The book "Love is Letting Go of Fear" does a wonderful job describing how to deal with situations like this. Unfortunately, when one person is hurt and gets angry they say things that hurt the other person and then that person feels hurt and gets angry and real constructive interpersonal communication to get to the root of the problem never takes place.

This is also about being respectful! It's NOT respectful to say you will talk to someone on the phone or show up for a date or whatever and then disappear off the face of the earth. Not only did this happen once but TWICE!!! You are playing with someones heart string when you continually disrespect them by not following through with something you promised you would follow through with and that they were looking forward to. We love our children and when we can't be with them we often lose it!

On the other hand I think Baldwin was VERY wrong to attack the mother in conversation with the child. This is just childish game playing and it hurts the child. Still, brain power usually drops out of sight when anger overtakes the brain. This situation requires real counseling and getting all three of the people involved to talk things out. It's sad that the media would play this private personal matter to the general public. It was not fair to Baldwin and it may have really hurt the daughter to have a personal family fight broadcast world wide.


Here is an article that goes into what I am talking about. It's about anger in children but the same principals apply to adults:

First Comes Hurt, Then Comes Anger and Aggression

Washington Parent Magazine, January 2003
Kay Kosak Abrams, Ph.D.

Anger is a signal, and without anger, we cannot survive. Like a vital sign, anger informs us that our well-being is threatened or that harm has occurred. When we feel angry, our primitive "old brain" releases adrenaline to enable us to "fight or take flight" in defense against whatever has threatened us.


Snip>>

First Comes Hurt

To understand and manage angry feelings and aggressive behavior, we must first recognize and remember that anger comes from hurt. Aggression is the behavioral response--the acting on the hurt and anger. Empathy is the curative response that eases the hurt so we can shore up our coping defenses.


Link: http://www.kayabrams.com/articles/first_comes_hurt.htm


Link to Amazon.com book "Love is Letting Go of Fear": http://www.amazon.com/Love-Letting-Fear-Gerald-Jampolsky/dp/0890872465

This is a great book!

but, I think Mr. Baldwin could have found a little more strength in his maturity. In other words, he is the adult. He should know how to handle his pain in a way as not to transfer that pain to a child.

We can all find excuses for our bad behavior and I'm sure very few of us behave badly on purpose. We make mistakes, but as we grow we should learn to behave "goodly" on purpose.

It's not the end of the world, what he said. He has learned a lesson and the frenzy over what he said will surely pass, just as surely as his daughter will never forget it and will probably, sooner than later, forgive it.

While custody and visitation issues take a life of their own, especially in the case of celebrities, the violence of his expression against his daughter can't be given a free pass.

Baldwin's daughter may or may have not indirectly shown disrespect by following her mother's alleged instructions to avoid contact with her father. But if this is so, Baldwin is sophisticated enough to understand that this nonfeasance was not equivalent to not loving him. The proper target was his ex-wife, and in that case, a call to his lawyer or family counselor was in order, not his daughter.

To attack his daughter with the one weapon (especially at the emotional level of preteens) that can cut to the bone and remain lodged forever in one's pscyche, WORDS, was especially cruel. It's like vomit. You wish it didn't happen, but it's literally out there and can't be reconsumed. "Thoughtless" by itself is generic and a lot of us have heard it during our "tender years" by well-meaning parents. But "thoughtless pig" was meant to hurt on a personal level.

Even if Baldwin's daughter truly forgives him for what he said, it's in her mind and in her memory. Her father (like it or not, he is a role model for future men in her life) calls her a pig (sexist and misogynist) and he could set her up for a lifetime of anorexia and/or bulemia. IMO, you just can't be careless with what you say to kids. From personal experience, you may be able to overcome the repercussionss of their impact, but you still remember the words.

Baldwin needs some anger management classes -- fast. Not for his career, but for himself.

"The person who is being yelled out should be taught that anger often comes from feelings of fear and hurt.."

Fer cryin' in a bucket! The girl is 11, and you are expecting her to be hit with a verbal barage and quietly process what *you think* her father is "really feeling"????

Be honest now, don't you think that's a bit of an expectation to lay on a girl of that age, especially one who's going through her own "hurt and fear"?

Her father is supposedly the adult, so how 'bout *HIM* processing his own feelings, realize before he attacks her that he is really feeling "fear and hurt", and address her accordingly, rather than attacking in a very injurious, childish manner?

The first responsibility for clear communication is on the one who is addressing the issue --the father.

Actually, the first responsibility is on the ADULT.

I really can't believe what you have posted.

This is clearly a case where a little information is dangerous.

I hope you don't expect that much of your own children, and that little of yourself.

Yes, even children need to learn to respect their parents and yes even children can hurt their parents and hurt them badly! In this day it seems people think it's fine for kids to disrespect their parents and not follow through with pre-arranged phone calls or send thank you notes etc. The little girl was very disrespectful and deserved to be disciplined. Of course I don't expect the child to realize that her fathers feelings are hurt thats why I think interpersonal communication skills and understanding of human emotions and communication should be taught in public schools because too many adults don't have a grasp of what causes anger and how to deal with it constructively.

I don't think Baldwin should have used names but he was correct in saying she needed to be straightened out for being disrespectful and his anger was justified if it's true she had said they would talk on the phone at a certain time then didn't follow through. Kids need to learn to be respectful and when they are not they can hurt people.

Take a look at the poll here on DU and you will find you are in the minority on this issue. Most people here think the child was disrespectful and needed to be disciplined but that some of his words were over the line. Still, it comes down to working through problems in relationships.


Yes, if my daughter had told someone she was going to meet them or talk to them at a certain time and she blew them off not once but twice! I would be very angry with her and try to explain to her that she probably hurt the other persons feelings and her actions showed that she didn't really care about meeting them. There is no excuse for this kind of behavior.

It sounds like you aren't in a place to hear much, so ...

Have a fine day.

I hope your own children don't get the brunt of your anger at my post.