I admit it, I lost

Why can't others (ala bush and the thugs) do the same and realize when they have failed (like with Iraq...)?

And why can't they work to fix it?

A little over 2 years ago when my mom died I hit a depression, one so large I could call it a tropical depression. 4 months after I bought the house next door to her to enjoy her golden years with her, she was gone. 2 months of that time she spent in the hospital.

Then her best friend, mom #2 as we called her, died of pancreatic cancer - 4 months later. Another setback for me which made it all worse. But I kept trying, planted a garden, painted the house, tried to enjoy all the good things in life the Lord has blessed me with like a wonderful wife and daughter. But still I was battered.

More deaths, then my X wife died, I found my kids, 3 little boys when I left now becoming men - who all seemed to hate me now. Though my eldest son came to live with me, understand it was not my fault, and gave me my first grandchild. The other two boys...well, who knows.

Then the wife finds out she has parkinson's disease. My company fucks me over on pay, and there were a lot of other things during that time as well.

Folks in my family just told me to shrug it off and keep going. Easy for them to say, they had never lost their kids only to find them later and realized they had been abused mentally and physically. They didn't lose another child in california, or as many friends as I have in this short time (And yet another one passed on in March of this year). To them it was all about mom - why can't I get over losing her? Well I did. But there was always more.

And I lost my sanity during that time.

I pick up my truck to move this Saturday, and my dad and others can't understand why I am leaving to go to California.

It is because here I realize I have lost, and the memories here will continue to hurt me daily. The longer I stay, the worse it will get. My wife is there already working on the house. My sister, brother, dad all seem to just shrug off the obvious depression I am in, have been in, since mom died and everything else occurred. Kind of like bush and his fucking war.

I decided to pull out, and start over. For the betterment of my wife, daughter, and myself. Whatever I cannot take I am donating to charity, I could care less about what I have vested in this place I called home - because it has been a place of poison (or as we in the hood call it - the curse of Indian Oaks, so many bad things have happened here in this one small place).

At some point you step back and realize this is the wrong place, the wrong time, for everyone you love and care about and you get up and leave.

But don't expect that from the bush admin and his assholes in charge. They have too much 'pride' and too much vested.

I have a lot of pride in this place I grew up. I know so many people, I am comfortable here - but being here is not what is best for those I love and try hard to take care of. It does not serve them well - just like us being Iraq does not serve our soldiers and their families well.

At some point you look around at the hell that lays before you and decide it is best to leave while you can for the good of others, and yourself.

bush cannot do either - which to me tells me that maybe he is mentally ill.

I have a new life waiting for me, a new start, and I can choose to take it or to stay here and keep fighting a losing battle with depression and death. I choose to take a chance and start fresh, because I care deeply about my wife and daughter. bush, otoh, does not seem to care that his issues are killing people everyday and driving the families of those killed into depression. And that to me is wrong.

At some point you admit it - you lost and need to start over, that some things are just not working out as you had planned.

And if a guy like me, with a GED and no college (except a few semesters at a drafting school that screwed me over....) can admit he needs to start over and do so - why can't a college grad like bush do the same???

You can't change until you admit that the current course you are on is wrong. I could write a novel about how much I have been sucker punched over the last two and a half years, instead I am looking at what I want for those I love and doing the right thing for them.

Thats what real leadership is - I hope someday we get the same sort of leadership for our country.

You can't win Iraq, you can only send our young people there to survive it.

Of all the cool parts of CA one could choose, why Bakersfield? I suppose it must be job-related, but the last time I was down in that direction, it sucks down there. Freeperland...

I tied to talk him into moving to Tiburon but got nowhere.

I know he's a programmer, and assuming he could find work, then he's probably got to commute into SF. Which also sucks and costs mucho. But Bakersfield? Ughhh.

But we got Haggard and Owens out of it.

she grew up in Bakersfield, and her family has a rent house there we are moving into.

I can work from anywhere with my job now (I stepped down as a manager to do this), and I have two more jobs lined up when I get there.

It is merely a matter of convenience for now. We hope to move from the armpit of CA eventually :)

I deleted referring to Bakersfield as the armpit of CA twice, trying not to bring ya down any furhter. But that's about it.

Are you driving south? I'm an hour south of Ashland if you are heading down I5.

I 70 W to St Louis, then I44 South to Okie City, then I40 Due west (taken the trip many times, got it memorized....).

travel safe - hopw things work out and get better.

but be aware that the geographical cure may be temporary. Support groups are the cheapest way to go and they can help if you find yourself slipping back into depression at some point.

As for Stupid, he's not only a limited little man, he has poisoned himself with so much alcohol that I doubt he's still capable of change. He is what he is, and we need to get him out of office because of it.

I've done it before myself. Sometimes you have to get away from everything and everyone, even if just temporarily. I always remind myself of a few words from an Eagles song. "The same old crowd was like the same dark cloud, that we could never rise above". To use an old cliche'. sometimes you have to tear down a foundation, with the ultimate purpose of rebuilding.

Good luck with your depression too. Are you on any meds? I had a bout with depression and Welbutrin seemed to help me. Whatever you do, please hang in there, my friend. Things WILL get better sometime.

PEACE!

Ghost

I was on zoloft for a spell, and it helped. It helped get me back to balance, but it did not cure the deeper problems which the depression caused. So those problems remain and trying to fix them is hard, but I ain't giving up on those issues.

My family didn't quite get why I did some of the dumb things I did when I was depressed - well I just couldn't. I was paralyzed. So I let things go, got into a hole, felt bad that I did and that it hurt my family, then felt bad about that - trapped, etc. It has kept feeding off of itself.

Things finally fell apart in some ways and then there was a light at the end of the tunnel. Now all I have to do is drive 2300 miles with two dogs and a bird, truck full of memories, and I hope to be good to go.

The best times of my life were in CA in some ways - I started over there once and it went well, under I moved back to this cursed plot of land :)

I moved back to CA in 2005 after being gone for 23 years. I moved back to THE armpit of CA, just 40 miles south of Fresno because my son (my only child) wanted me near. He was born here, moved back here in 1997, married here in 2000, and now has a business and two children; He wanted me close to be a part of my grandchildren's lives, and I'm glad I did make the move, although I still don't completely care for the area. But, being near my darlings makes up for all that.

You have been been through a lot, and I wish you well in your move. Making location changes is never easy, but the surprises of new experiences can make up for all the stress of having made the move.

PM if you want. Am here in CA, and always glad to welcome another Dem to the neighborhood! :hi:



The reasons I came and have stayed here:



And the one who asked me to be here:

Nothing so serious. I now live in my mother's house that she bought when our other house was razed to make room for a freeway...the house I grew up in. Beautiful place, it was. Anyway, two years after my mother moved into this one; she passed from cancer...5 days after my son was born. At least she got to hold him--yes; I have pictures! The kicker is that this house is literally half a mile from my ex-fiance's parent's house--the ex who was not an ex until he died in a motorcycle accident in 2001.

I am past the death of my mother; but driving down the same roads that I did with Ken....some days; it is almost too much. And past the graveyard where my mother, father and ex fiance are ALL buried. Oh, lovely.

I yern for the day when we move. When I can start afresh; with no more memories smacking me in the face every time I leave the driveway.

Believe me; I understand.

I wish you joy in your new life!!!

:)

better to control us. The war justifies their violations of the Constitution and their profiteering.

but if you haven't read Kurt Vonnegut, you should do so. And if you have, read it again. I think it would really connect with you, given the circumstances you described.

As soon as I get my ass out of here :)

EDIT:

Especially these books:

Bluebeard
Hocus Pocus
Jailbird
God Bless You Mr. Rosewater,
Breakfast of Champions
Cat's Cradle

I think it's also interesting to note that if George only had the wits and the desire to do the right thing, what's best for the troops, the nation, and the other countries he's harmed so much, he could admit his mistakes to us all and look so much better in everyone's eyes for it.

He really does keep doing the same things over and over expecting different results, and if he could and would just see that, I suspect quite a lot of folks would forgive him for most of the wrongheaded (and just plain wrong) things he's done. He might never receive everyone's forgiveness, true, but many would think him more of a man if he'd just 'fess up and reform!

I have been thinking lately that he must not even really care anymore about his "legacy." Surely he knows it's shot to shit already and he can't change that fact. Even as thick as he is, he must realize that by now.

He could, however, salvage something of his reputation, even regain a good portion of respect in some quarters, if he would just do as you are doing -- admit he's not helping the situation or his own cause, and certainly not doing right by others, by remaining in office and continuing to be so bullheaded.

Didn't he admit recently that he was sick of thinking about Iraq like the rest of us? Why then doesn't he try to fix the mess he's made and change course before it's too late?

Maybe it already IS too late for him, but I sure wish he'd see the light even this far into his tenure at the helm and stop making things worse.


I wish you all the best in the world as you start anew, SS. You really have had just too much loss and grief. My heart goes out to you, though I know you didn't write that OP to solicit sympathy.

I certainly did exactly what you're doing a couple of times in the past, and it did improve my life and the lives of those affected by me. I've never regretted it when I left behind a place with bad memories and found new pastures to start over in.

It may be a move that some old sayings tell us doesn't work, but that's just not true. May you and your family find the peace and joy you seek in your new start. I have a feeling you will do just that!

:hug: :)

Keep that in mind, no offense implied or intended.

Ask yourself, The Straight Story, whether your current plan is borne of the light of new knowledge, or fear. And if your conclusion is fear, or the like, ask yourself if running is the appropriate response.

Again, no insult intended... I just get the powerful reminder of "look before you leap".

That being said, some promulgate the idea that "he who hesitates is lost".

Regardless, I wish you all the best on your journey. May it teach you things, particularly things about yourself.

Yol Bolsun, brother. (look it up)

Some things will follow me indeed. I just hope to be better able to address them once some of the stress is off me and I am in a better climate.

I started my life over there once, and I was happy - except I left behind three little boys in Ohio. That is the main reason I came back here. Once I was here, I never saw them again until last year. No talking to them, no idea where they were, etc. Those core issues are resolved, albeit not all happily. But at least I know where they are now, and they are much older.

Now I go out with a fresh mind and new hope. I know some problems follow me, but at least there I felt comfortable, had many friends, and many opportunities to make a better life. The baggage here is immense, out there not so much so - and the wife is already doing better there. Although today she had an 'episode' with her parkinson's and was shaking so bad she could not paint anymore in the house. Overall though HER mental health has improved, and knowing she is happy - well that makes me smile and makes it better :)

I went through a spell in the late 90's...I lost my mom to a horrible disease call ALS. While that was happening, my house burned down. While I was rebuilding, I busted a blood vessel around my optic nerve...over the course of a few weeks (and a couple of misdiagnoses), I finally underwent emergency surgery. Just before the doc put me under, he told me that there was a chance that the surgery could damage the optic nerve and I'd lose my sight. I don't think I had a bleaker outlook in my life than at that moment. But I survived....buried my mom, built the house, and life went on. I guess you can't experience the highs without the lows, you can't see the mountains with having the valleys, etc. You try to make the best of what you got when you get it...

Like those watching their kids die of cancer, etc. I thank the lord each day for my blessings, but I also know I live with things which kinda suck :)

I am a damned lucky guy, who just hit a rough spot. Starting over can pave the road and help me get rid of the potholes created in this life by myself and the things around me.

I just wish all to hell that our government would do the same for our kids - instead they keep fucking them and their families. Damned shamed a little girl my daughter's age is going to bed tonight while her daddy is fighting some dumb as war.

even if it is Bakersfield. I hope that the change of environment will ease your mind. I certainly understand depression; I just filed for disability following the suggestion of my case worker. Sigh.

We could have left the state after the WorldCom layoffs and selling the house, but we chose to stay because we couldn't imagine living anywhere else (in the US...we really did think about Belgium or Germany for a while).

And when you just need a shoulder to lean on, drop on into the Bereavement Group and vent, holler, cry, rage against the fates. Somebody will listen.

Don't knock yourself around fretting about why bush can't be human. He isn't, he can't, he doesn't care to try. Take care of you and yours right now. We'll hold the fort until you get some spunky back.

Seriously, lots here care. You are a very good man and your post have power. We are all richer and stronger for them.

You are right, NO ONE can change until they admit they need to. Some people are brave, honest, and strong enough to admit that and act on it. That you can tackle the situation puts you head and shoulders above a lot of well degreed (but not so brave, honest, strong) chumps who will stay the course until they are drowned in the consequences of their own stubbornness.

Real leadership, it doesn't take a degree of a fancy suit.

You have it. Know that about yourself.

Be well, keep in touch. Know many care deeply. Use our strength when you need to.

hm

Sorry to yell at you so loud. I moved to Bakersfield for a job for the sig other. (From Long Beach). Five days in I had a TRAGIC death in my family. My Brother who was the closest thing I had after my parents death, they died tragically. Get lots of support if you do move there. This was the darkest part of my life. I will think about you. Hope you get the help you need. The weather is horrible! Keep that in mind. It can do real damage to a depressed person. I am not kidding!

There's running away, and then there's running to...and the car drives both ways...you can even make u-turns.

will offer you sanctuary from your grief. I am so, so sorry that you've experienced all that you have. No one should have to endure so much pain.

And then bounce back, it's hard, but I know you have got what it takes to bounce back.

... reaction. When we think negative, fearful and judgemental thoughts that magnetically draws more negativity to us, so it is very important to always stay positive and loving. Forgive your anger hate and guilt they have all worked against you'

Basically why they say you can't run form your troubles, they are an internal magnatism, although a new change may bring a more positive outlook. So go for it and cheer up bud.