Al-Qaeda Claims Responsibility For Devastating Personal Attack On Illinois Man

In a statement posted this morning on several Islamist websites, the global terrorist network al-Qaeda claimed responsibility for last Thursday's devastating personal attack on Carbondale, IL resident Tim Harris.

The highly coordinated strike, which targeted the unsuspecting 32-year-old as he exited a Huck's convenience store, and made light of his ample girth, lack of employment, and inability to meet single women, occurred at 9:32 a.m. At 9:35 a.m., a second wave of vicious insults was reportedly launched at Harris, obliterating what little remained of his self-esteem.

"The foot soldiers of Islam have struck at this pathetic slob of a man with righteous force, and they have brought him down," read the statement, which praised as heroes the four al-Qaeda operatives who carried out the personal attack. "There is nothing left of him now. Tim Harris has been destroyed."

"Praise be to Allah," the statement continued. "Allah is great."

Department of Homeland Security officials told reporters that it could take months to determine the full extent of the damage from what they are calling the worst-ever ad hominem strike on American soil, even as crews worked around the clock to salvage whatever bits of Harris' self-respect they could from the wreckage.

"Never before has our nation witnessed such brutal mockery," Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano said. "It appears that al-Qaeda had been monitoring Mr. Harris long enough to become fully conversant in his insecurities, and was prepared to employ any means necessary, even pointing out his huge, Neanderthal-like underbite, to achieve its terrible goal. Indeed, there wasn't a single emotional sore spot—from his lack of sexual experience to the fact that most animals don't seem to like him—that they did not exploit."

"It's unthinkable," Napolitano added. "They even reminded Tim about the time nobody showed up to his New Year's party."

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http://www.theonion.com/content/news/al_qaeda_claims_responsibility_for

carbondale (SIU) is party central in southern illinois!

:rofl:

HAHAHA!