For the first time in my life I have to be responsible

My father recently died after a long illness. My little Mother is not all there due to stroke and Alzheimers. She's not that far gone and doesn't require nursing home care yet. Our estate is not alot but in 6 figures, however it I put her in the nursing home the State of Alabama will take all the assets so that puts me in the position of being the oldest divorced sibling and I have to take care of her. IN order to protect my inheritnce, I have to take care of her for at least three years or Bama willl come after me for Medicaid. I've never had to be this responsible in my life. I've raised kittens and puppies but not a Mom. I'm so freaked out.

Anyone else been through this?

You are in for a rough ride. Good luck.

One of my parents died, other moved in with a sib. So far we're all balancing, rather like being on a tightrope, waiting for something to happen.

Have you got some respite care set up yet? That is someone who can take over for an hour, or several, and give you a break. It is necessary since it is just really really difficult, whether or not you've had to be responsible for anyone or anything before.

Are you saying that you have to have her at your home, under your care, for 3 yrs or they will take all her resources to be able to get her on medicaid? It really sucks that they do that, have to run the assets down, can't transfer more than ($10,000?) without it being taxed penalty.

There might be a hospice/home health group that can give you some assistance.

And get my assests. So in case I want to lose an 6 figure estate, yes, I have to take care of her. I can put her in assisted living for Alzheimers for 1 or 2 of those years If I have too but it will cost $$.

I'm selfish but I've lived a relativety carefree lifestyle since the 70's. I was married and had live in relationships but I've shunned heavey duty resposponsibility. Now I have it and it's freaky. I don't want it but if I want the Estate, I've got it.

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without it.

It is your mother,afterall.

It is her money,isn't it? Then spend it on her if you can''t take care of her.

it's now 5 years.

I'm all teary-eyed.

Gee, my condolences that your mother decided to get sick and screw up your carefree lifestyle. Hopefully she won't live that long so you can get the money she "owes" you.

If your inheritance = your mom's money, then it should be used for her benefit. Period. After all, it is just money, and this is your mother. When or if she gets to the point of needing outside care, give it to her. Money is seriously the root of all evil. I swear it is. If it were me, it wouldn't even be a consideration. The system works for those who can't afford it, but it sounds like your mother can, so don't try to screw the system for your "inheritance" (which isn't yours until she dies, it is her's).

you want it all. I wish I could sympathize but as someone who never came close to having an estate left by either parents or in-laws I just can't. The cost of inheriting is going to be the labor of sustaining your mother until she dies. Think of if as salary without taxes of any kind. And I presume that you have power of attorney to pay her expenses and provide for her medical care so it does not sound like a total burden. I have known people who are doing what you are doing without even a thought of what they might inherit and mostly that was nothing but more heartache to clean up end of life expenses; they just loved the parent. :nopity:

of my MIL's death.

She was 93 and had broken her second hip in four years.

She had surgery, spent a month in the hospital, then came to live with us. None of us knew it because she was very good at hiding it, but she was suffering from dementia. When she lived with us she could no longer hide it anymore.

Like someone above said, make sure to get respite care as often as you need to.

Caretakers are particularly vulnerable to illness because of the stress. You may have to make certain adjustments in your home, like adding handlebars to the bathroom/shower, things like that. And there are catalogs that sell supplies for people with disabilities..."The Wright Stuff" is one of them.

and that led to a clinical depression. Yikes. Stress is a very serious issue.

Good advice, pipi_k.

Mom had many small stokes and required more care than I could give. Her and dad were in a very expensive assisted living. One of those large ones with all the great stuff for them to do. Not so much really. After dad died I moved mom to a small closer facility that took way better care of her in her last 6 months. About $1,500/month, half what the large one charged.
My greatest joy was being able to see her every day. I never missed one.
Even though they were in their 90s, frail and I knew the end was coming, it seemed such a great lose to me.

losing your inheritance to the state to pay for her care, but that's the way it goes, unfortunately--your mom needs and deserves the best care that her estate can provide. I don't see my parents' estate (such as it will be when they go) as "my" money, even if they want me to have it--it is theirs, they earned it, and if they need their assets liquidated for a really good nursing home or home nursing care someday, then so be it. Good luck to you, though--whether you take care of her or not. It's a rough time.

He came first. It was his and Mom's money.

she needed someone to be with her almost 24/7 because otherwise she would endanger herself or burn the house down. Relatives/kids aren't always the best choice for care, either--takes a LOT of patience and diligence.

my home. He would wander off while I was out. Not safe for him. As much as I hated to - nursing home was best and safest answer. I dod go visit him twice a day to make sure all was ok.

And there MUST BE some support groups even in your state.

And good luck... it is not easy. I have had to take care of parents on and off over the last three years... I do it, but it is not easy, and it is work.

Please talk to a geriatric social worker and an elder law attorney to make sure you protect her assets. We were told we needed to wait five years. My FIL will be eligible for Medicaid in October 2010. We started the process in 2005 when he was first diagnosed with dementia.

Is three years of your life worth the 6 figures? Because you will essentially give up those three years. Chances are you will incur a lot of costs, too, eating into that 6 figures.

Does it make sense to use some of the estate to hire help? A reputable home health agency can give your mother quality care, graduating it as her condition dictates.

Good luck, keep us informed.

My mother fell ill with dementia in the late '90s, and I had very little to no respite care, plus had to work full time to pay the bills. It took a toll on me and I'll never be the same again. My situation was different, had nothing to do with money. She probably should have gone to the nursing home at least 18 months before she did, but for some reason when I was with her she seemed ok, and I didn't want to push her into one if it was not needed. I usually worked afternoons or graveyards, and it was while I was gone that she started wondering. One day I came home and she was passed out on the floor. She had taken an overdose of her medication (not on purpose, she just forgot she had already taken her pill for the night and took it again, and again).
One day I came home from work and found the front door open and Mom nowhere in sight. Pretty soon a police car pulled up and the cop brought her in. He told me that this had happened several times (I didn't know because I was working. None of my neighbors told me). I'm just lucky that nothing happened to her when she left. I'm still traumatized by this more than 10 years later. So my advice to you is, forget about the money, get your Mom the help she needs.

By being there for her is all you will really cherish in the end. Don't even think about the inheritance. Think about doing what is right for your mother and bring her as much peace and happiness as you can.

I helped three of the closest members of my immediately family as they spent the final years of life. I was their caregiver. I brought smiles to their faces. I lifted their spirits. I gave them great comfort in knowing I was there for them. I never once thought of money. I only thought totally unselfishly about how to best care for and bring them happiness. A few weeks before my Mom passed away she told me, "You will always remember what you did for your Mom". I have thought about her words countless times since I lost her.

I have two older siblings. Neither of them did anything to help my Mom, Dad or little brother. They didn't help them financially. They didn't help them emotionally. They didn't help them physically. My older brother didn't even bother to come to see any of them as they laid dying. And my older sister stole every dime from each of them after they died. Both my older brother and sister are conservative Christians. They go to church, yet do nothing for others. They are predators. They are sociopaths. Fox News and right wing radio is their 'religion'. And the disciples of their 'religion' are hatred, anger, racism and fear.

I shared my story because if you do not do what is right by your mother you will always regret it. Maybe my older brother and older sister will someday learn what it means to have a heart, compassion and empathy for another human being. But I doubt it. They didn't even have those traits to members of their own family.

I wish you well because I know how hard it is emotionally for you to go through this. But remember, your mother is going through the greatest time of her life. Be there for her. You will always remember what you did for her...

Because your family sounds dreadfully familiar... my evil aunt put her own mother in a rest home needlessly, then cleaned her out... then tried to stop the rest of us from taking her home. We won, and it really didn't matter that there was nothing left to inherit... we had Grandma, and we had her for many good years after the horrors inflicted on us all by her "Christian" daughter.

for your inheritance may be greater than you think. Caregiving must be the most stressful job of all. A friend did it for her husband and right after he died, she fell apart with Parkinsons - something she had never been diagnosed with. What I mean is that the stress could very well affect your health so it is not something to enter into lightly. No inheritance can make up for that.
I looked after this friend from my house next door, meaning I just kept an eye on her. When she finally went to the nursing home I was the main person for her - and that was stressful!

Give this some real thought - it is 24 hours a day, even if you have additional help come in. If you think there is a nursing home that can give her good care, it may be what is best for her.

Best wishes to you and your mom.

It's not your inheritance you need to worry about. Worry about the quality of care your mother will get in a nursing home vs. your home.

There may be some good nursing homes somewhere but they are scarce as hen's teeth. And if your mother means anything to you at all, you will not have a day's peace while she is in a bad one. Nursing homes, in general, are for-profit (even the so-called nonprofit ones) and money comes before patients in my experience. They are notoriously understaffed and patients' lives can be in danger because of this.

My mother was in and out of nursing homes from 2006 to 2009 for therapy for stroke and broken hip (although thank God she is alert and aware and doing great mentally.) She was in at least 5 different nursing homes and EVERY SINGLE ONE was lousy. I never slept a night through while she was in one of these places, worrying that she would end up dead, which she nearly did on several occasions. And my only brother DID DIE at age 49 while in a nursing home for therapy for a broken shoulder!

Here is some of the stuff that happened to my mother:
-- Developed high fever due to cellulitis that went untreated for four days even though I was there every day and alerted nursing staff that she was sick; by the fourth day she had to be rushed to the largest teaching hospital in our region and was gravely ill.
-- TWO sets of false teeth lost. (very expensive loss)
-- Glasses taken from her the day she was coerced into signing documents while she couldn't see. I had to go to two governmental agencies to undo what she signed and she never did get her glasses back. Had to buy new ones (approx. $100)
-- Nursing home threatened her with JAIL over bill they claimed was unpaid.
-- Sheriff with gun visible on his person stood over her bed and served her with papers for a bill they claimed was unpaid. She was terrified.
-- Nursing home refused to return her clothes and other belongings because they claimed a bill was unpaid. Said they would sell these items on ebay and deduct from her bill (this is ILLEGAL!) They later sued her and because she couldn't afford any attorney they won a judgment against her (nothing deducted for her clothes and belongings BTW) even though her insurance was never billed and should have covered.
-- She was fondled by male resident who has dementia while she lay helpless in bed.
-- Did not receive appropriate wheelchair (in ANY nursing home she was in)
-- Fell out of bed on several occasions.
-- Did not receive the therapy she was in there for nor did she receive referral to any place where she could get treatment needed. Still in pain from an unrepaired broken hip.
-- Doctor she was assigned to for therapy did not have a clue as to what a Physiatrist is (doctor of physical medicine and rehab.)
-- Staff left medical bills and other very private documents in plain sight on her nightstand for anyone to see.
-- AND MORE

My 49 year-old brother who had Asperger's syndrome went into another nursing home for therapy for a broken shoulder. While there he developed TWO concurrent drug-resistant infections, his blood sugar when to 1700 (about 100 is normal) and he died of septicemia and brain hemorrhage. He was AGE 49 when he died. I really can't go into this more; it is too painful to write this tonight.

My mother is now home since March 2009; I am taking care of her. I am happy to say that she is doing great (except that in all these places she never got the treatment she needs for the unrepaired broken hip and she is still in constant pain for which we are still trying to find help. ) She is happier with life now (other than the pain) and I don't have to wake up in the middle of the night and worry every night.

It is sometimes hard to take care of a disabled person, but there are rewards. BIG rewards and I don't mean anything monetary!!

If you go the nursing home route, be prepared to watch your mother constantly. Visit frequently (every day if possible) and take note of everything you can. The squeaky wheel gets the grease, although I have to warn you nursing homes and hospitals HATE squeaky wheels. But when your mother's life is on the line you can't afford to be "nice", you HAVE to speak up and even when you do it's still no guarantee she will receive safe care.

OTOH, caring for a dementia patient safely at home can be nearly impossible (again thank God my mother's mind is good) so you are going to have to weigh your options very carefully.

Good luck.

This is the most disgusting OP I have ever read. "My little Mother" "6 figures" "protect my inheritnce" "I have to take care of her" ???!!! This has to be a joke. Either way..very sad. :(

i didn't read any of the replies but titles and seems you are the first poster that kinda felt like i did, when reading op

buck up and fuckin take care of mom, inheritance or not. fuck

i would love to be taking care of my mom in my adult years, unfortunately, she is dead....

I'd love to be taking care of mine too... but she's too much for any of us to handle... we've tried. She's pretty far gone with the dementia of Alzheimer's, except when she's an amazing genius... she's keeping her wranglers busy! She's "escaped" a couple of time, stashed money, caught a cab... and headed for an address that hasn't been the family home in more than 20 years... it would take all I earn to provide full time live in care.

Thankfully, her wranglers are very nice, kind hearted people.

I feel the same as you... inheritance? Really? That hurt my heart a little to read.

and if the best is in a home and watching over her there, or insuring that she has the care that she needs, then that too is taking care of your mom. someone who loves her, watching out for HER best interest.

sorry i did not make that clear for all who have had to look for other options for a myriad of reasons, but none of them being.... selfishness.

for saying it a whole lot nicer than I did.

:thumbsup:

important money or your mother for fucks sake. I wish I had mine.

Time to sit down, stop freaking out and grow the hell up. Lesson #1 for today for you is stop using the possessive pronoun for everything that you yourself have not purchased or made with your own hands. "Our estate"? No, it's your mother's property and belongings.

By the way, this is the talking to you've apparently needed for some time.

I hope it's helpful.

posted about this - http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=105&topic_id=9330890

And also sad that the OP hasn't come back to the thread. I'd be happy to argue, discuss, hear more complaints; anything other than this person continuing to stew.

started construction on a house to move himself and his mom into. This was in 2006.

He was making it 'elderly friendly' with wider doors, easy to use door handles/knobs.

You might want to consider who cleaned your diapers and wiped your nose and worry more about your Mom and less about your inheritance. It's her stuff, by the way.

ETA The two of them live there now.

Why the hell should the government pay if your mother has the means. It is not your inheritance, it is her money. If you choose to take care of her that is your choice, but you also have the choice to put her in a nursing facility.... Medicaid rules have been in place for a lot of years now...

I call BS here...

Sit down and do an honest evaluation of your ability to provide the care she needs. Can you bathe and diaper her if it comes down to that? Can you insert an IV or a catheter? Can you deal with her when she becomes emotionally distraught, as Alzheimers sufferers often do? If the answers are no and it looks like it's going to come to that, there's no shame in admitting it and getting suitable care for your mom. And long term care today is not like it's been in the past where you put the person in a nursing home. There are ways to keep her in her own home with you doing as much as you can. We had to make the difficult decision to put our mom in a nursing home back in the mid 90s after she became completely incapacitated. Yes, that meant spending down all her assets so we inherited nothing but it was just the way it had to be.

I'm sorry about your dad my best wishes to you. :hug:

As it stands, you sound more concerned with getting estate money than doing what's best for your Mom.

And it is wrong, especially if his inheritance is his parents' money. It isn't his inheritance until they die. Up until then, it should be used for his mom's care. Not even a question in my mind.

My mom use to do that. :-(

Seriously, you need to wake up and be an adult here. No one wants to be at the point where they have to care for their parents. My mom cared for my grandfather for 30+ years after his bad car accident. The nursing home treated him like crap. Actually, we sued the nursing home. Got a huge chunk of change from them too. But he couldn't be moved since he'd been there for almost 20 years. The waiting list for the "good" nursing homes was beyond belief even if he could've been moved. We sued so he could get better care. And he did. But you know what? Every bit of that money that the nursing home had to fork over from the law suit, went right back to the nursing home because he had the money to pay for the home then. In the end, he couldn't qualify for medicaid and my mom was out $10,000 (after a $150,000 settlement, plenty went to attorney fees of course). But the point was NEVER the money. What happend to him in that home was wrong. The lawsuit changed that. He got much much better care after that. And that was what it was about. Don't let money make your decisions about your mother's care. Even if you didn't have a good relationship with her because it isn't YOUR money. It is hers, and she deserves decent care because she is a human. She has the resources. Get off it being your inheritance. You didn't work for it. They did.

Use it to give her the best care she can afford. If there's nothing left when she finally passes away, too bad. Your obligation is to ensure she is well cared for, not to try to preserve her estate for yourself.

I have sort of the opposite problem with my dad. He's quite elderly and his health isn't good, although his mind is still fairly sharp most of the time. My brother and I have to pester him to spend money on stuff he needs; he keeps insisting he wants to be sure he has enough to leave to us. And then we insist that it's his money to spend on whatever he needs it for. One day I told him I didn't care if he spent it all on crack and hookers if that's what he wanted. I just want him to be safe and comfortable for as long as he has left. I couldn't live with myself if just saving money was the deciding factor for how he is cared for.

not wanting to take care of a parent who you felt treated you badly (as appears from your other thread on this subject), you can't have it both ways. Either you care for her yourself in order to "preserve your inheritance", or you let her own assets pay for her care in a decent assisted living situation or nursing home. There is no reason the taxpayers should foot the bill for her care when she has assets--and they are *hers*, not yours.

Those of you who say things like, "it's your mother's money, use it for her care, use it for what is best for her" etc etc MAKE ME SICK because anyone can have a stroke or otherwise become disabled and long-term care for someone disabled is PART OF MEDICAL CARE, not a luxury to be paid for like a vacation to Bermuda.

Medicare and other so-called health insurance SHOULD COVER LONG-TERM CARE RIGHT NOW as a medically needed part of healthcare, but does not, at least partially (IMO) because of attitudes like yours.

No one in this country should lose everything they have because of healthcare, be it for an operation or because they need care long-term. ALL needed care should be covered. Our current healthcare system is morally wrong and evil on so many levels.

Under most of the single-payer healthcare proposals ALL these needed forms of care WOULD be covered such as long-term care, mental health, dental care, etc -- and at lower cost than our current miserable system spends. This is one of the main reasons I am supporting single payer.

Thank God for people like John Conyers and Dennis Kucinich who have proposed bills like H.R. 676, and for others in Congress who are working to make it possible for individual states to offer single-payer healthcare.

In the meantime, all of us can help change the system by stopping this attitude that it is OK (or even the right thing to do) to hand a lifetime of hard work away for a little "care" at the end of life rather than leaving a legacy to your children.

It is not wrong to want to pass something on to your next generation, nor is it wrong for someone in that generation to want to inherit the fruits of his or her family's lifetime hard work.

It is our current healthcare system that is greedy, not someone like bamademo and his/her mother.

and I would like to see at least some of long-term care paid for by Medicare. However, that's not the situation we have now. My FIL accumulated a pretty decent amount of money in his working life as a handyman, but he was always clear that it was *primarily* there to take care of him and his wife, should they need it, not to pass on as a legacy to his son. Naturally, I would rather it passed on to his son (since we're broke as hell right now), but I can't take care of my MIL. I just can't do it, for any amount of inheritance money.

Under the current system, unfortunately, you have to pay for your own nursing home care. In this case the OP seems to be more interested in preserving his/her inheritance than providing good care for his/her mother. Lamenting the failings of the health care system as it exists (and nobody disagrees with you) will not change the fact that right now, the OP's mother has to pay for her own nursing home care, or spend down until the state picks it up. Bad system, but there it is.

Medicaid is the government health plan that pays for long term care and it is for indigent people ONLY. Medicaid is woefully underfunded for the task of taking care of seniors who can afford to pay for their own care. That's reality. Hiding assets so that someone qualifies for Medicaid is reducing the available funding for people who have no means. That's a "got mine, screw you" mentality.

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"Bama will come after me?"

but I believe the OP was talking about Alabama.

Gee, what must your mother have felt when she found out she was pregnant with you? And the cost of raising you for the next 18 years or so? Physically, emotionally AND financially?

Quit your bitching.

After reading your post, and the original one you put up, I completely understand why.

Apparently you do not get along with your mother, but you really want to get along with her money.

It is a shame she did such a poor job of raising you. I suggest you walk away from the relationship, and find somebody who can be trusted to take care of her. Your personal feelings of anger at her make you a poor choice for "caretaker" since you only care about yourself.

If you have issues from your childhood, I suggest counseling to deal with them. Taking them out on helpless people (like victims of dementia) is ... disgusting. She might have been evil, or you might have just been rotten, but either way, there is something NOT RIGHT about your "not loving" relationship, and your attitude of entitlement is extremely inappropriate.

This Trust is not for You. It will help your mother shelter her assets so that she can get on Medicaid if she needs to without spending every last dime she has. That way there is a little slush fund for incidental expenses that insurance won't cover (and believe me there will be very necessary expenses that will make a big difference to her wellbeing and comfort. Medicaid only covers the bare minimum).

Whether you inherit a pile or not is in God's Hands. Accept the fact that there may well be nothing left, especially if you have to divide it with other siblings. What you are doing with your Mom is your moral duty. Don't even consider putting in your Mom in pain and discomfort so you can get your paws on that money. You may, however, find a deeper relationship with your Mom than what you ever have had before. The depth of that relationship and the memories you will develop is your inheritance. It is far richer and more enduring than money which can be lost in the stock market.

Get your other siblings to help out. They are on the hook too. There are caregiver support groups.

Seriously, your attitude is worse than a selfish child who's just discovered that the world doesn't revolve around him.

I sincerely hope that every single penny is spent on your mother's care.

While your mother still has mental capacity go to a lawyer and get a living will which declares you as executor of her will and get power of attorney both to make decisions for her when she can't any longer and also for decisions made regarding life and death. In the will she should make it clear what kind of end of life treatment she wants.

Get your name added to her bank account so the bank doesn't have a say over her account when she gets too ill or dies.

Also get your name added to her house deed.

All of these things will make it much easier on her and you when the time comes to make decisions and arrangements.

In other things you might want to look at some day care for her that keeps her engaged and stimulated. Get help from your siblings even if it's just money to pay for someone to care for her during the times you're away at work or whatever.

There is medication that will slow down the progression of Alzheimers so she'll stay basically the same way she is now for years. My mother took Aricept and I swear by it. She took it for 5 years and her Dementia progressed very little in all that time.

If it's her care and no one in the family is equipped to deal with it, you'll need to hire help or find a nursing home for her and either way that costs money. Either you sell her house and pay directly for that care or let her assets be seized to pay for the cost of nursing care and when her assets have been exhausted she won't be kicked to the street because Medicaid will be there to pay for her remaining days.

If you care more about her assets, you'll need to convince her to transfer her assets to you now and hope that you can survive as her nursemaid until the clawback period ends.

but I helped care for my great aunt for a decade before she died; really, I assisted my mother, who did the lion's share of the work. My mom knows I am there when the need arises. We don't have any family money, or an estate. My mom was a single parent, and I'm an only child.

I raised two sons by myself. I put myself through college while I did so, working a day job and attending night school, by myself. I rescued my adult son and my young grandson, and supported them through life-saving medical treatments until they could manage on their own.

I've always been responsible for myself and for others. It's part of having a family.

Responsibility is part of life. I have a wife on disability and 3 children, one of whom has Autism and one who has MD. If you are over 18 it's time to grow up. And if you are looking for someone to tell you it gets easier it does not. It gets harder. Sacrifice is part of growing up, part of life, get used to it.