Well, I've decided to become a Conservative Republican because...

These people can do, say or act in any way they want and still not be held accountable for their actions.

So, I've decided that from now on I can just make up any shit I want to, say it however many times I want to, even on video tape and it won't even matter.

I've decided that it will be a-okay for me to preach about family values and still be able to visit prostitutes while wearing diapers, practicing my wide stance in toilets or have as many girlfriends as I damn want to.

I'll be able to lie on national tv and say shit any time I want whether it be wrong or just full of batshit. And regardless of if it is caught on tape or not because when called on it, I can just deny it and say anyone who is calling me on the words I once may have said is a liar and hates America.


Hell, if I want to, I can now do meth, cocaine, crack, blunts, alcohol or any type of behavior modification substance I want to.

And while I'm doing all of this, I can still criticize others for doing the things I'm doing, too.

I can do all of these things because now I am a Conservative Republican.

But you know, you can also make $50 million per year doing that shit.

Why do it for free?

I now do not have to give a shit about anyone else but me!

Don't have a job? I don't care. Don't have a home? I don't care. No health insurance? Don't care. No Retirement? Well, too fucking bad, because I just don't care!

With my new tan, my new suit that I swear I iron myself and my nightly steak dinners paid for by other people willing to give me all the money I'll ever want; I just don't have to care if you live on the street, have unbearable pain and have no idea where you will be tomorrow. And the same goes for your children.

All because I am now a Conservative Republican.

You'll finally get President Obama to listen to you.

I'm a Conservative

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fA5NW4ouCL8

when I run out of bread I laugh
All the way to the bank
Sometimes I pause for a drink
Conservatism ain't no easy job

Don't forget you can start wars based on your own personal ambitions, dump toxins in the ocean and then cut funding for the EPA, ban teaching evolution in public schools and so many other things most people wouldn't even dream of doing! In short, just have no moral compass and a big addiction to money and lies! Participating in massive cover-ups and pissing on the U.S. Constitution (daily) is also a must.

and anyone else getting in the way of your personal ambitions. It's really quite a gig...

where I live, see I wanted to go out and have fun outside today. Maybe start a few wars and cause economic instability globally...now I'll never get to do those things, because of Liberals! Oh yea...and my car has a flat tire...CAUSED BY Greenpeace!

I guess this is why so many join up.

because you are one of the chosen.

Become an investment banker, you can do all that and much more AND be rewarded from the Treasury!

"I figure fuck it, while I'm at it why not just shoot my buddy, take his job, give it to his sworn enemy, hike up gas prices, bomb a village, club a baby seal, hit the hash pipe and join the National Guard? I could be elected president."

lol

And, btw, I hope everyone stays safe and keeps all their fingers over the 4rth

To take it to the next level and get into true Cheney neocon territory...

In my new found Conservative Republicanism, I'm going to hit the baddest bars in town with my former colleagues and find the biggest baddest Big Jim character and pick a fight with him so my buddy can fight him for me. And while my pal is getting his ass kicked I'm going to root him on and offer him my strongest moral support!

Hell, I might learn how to fly an out of date plane or if things get too serious, grab my chest and scream, "MY STENT! MY STENT!"

No original ideas or talent necessary, in fact you can plagiarize entire chapters. Just give it an over-the-top inflammatory title like: "American Sodom: How Liberals are Turning YOUR Children into Pagan Homosexuals and Will Kill You In Your Sleep".

The Bulk Book Buys will guarantee that it will be a best seller. PLenty of speaking engagements and appearances on Fox to promote it will help launch your new career.

it is also both desirable and admirable. And profitable too!

Dammit, I wish I didn't have this nasty conscience

that prevents me from becoming a conservative republican.

Don't forget when faced with an impossible truth that cannot be denied, you need only say "I reject that"


Actually, this is a good idea. Clearly some of their people, Lieberman being an obvious example, have infiltrated our ranks. We need some people with no scruples that can fit in, and at just the right time, maybe after you have earned their respect, start acting like a Democrat. I'm sure the Republicans will all accept it considering our Democrats act like Republicans and no one seems to notice.

You can lie America into illegal, immoral and unnecessary wars and get away with it.

You can spy on Americans just because you want to and get away with it.

You can out America's most important counternuclearproliferation spy ring just to scare political opponents and get away with it.

You can allow an entire city to drown because you're too lazy to do anything about it and get away with it.

You can ignore imminent threats to the nation from a global terrorist who kills 3,000 innocent people and get away with it.

Feels good to be a conservative Republican. Damned good.

Hey, look at how my new found Conservative-Republicanism is working out for me: Steele says Afghanistan is Obama's fault, so now I can blame Iraq and Tillman's death on Obama and any other ill.

Shit, I just might quit mowing my lawn, quit my job and quit providing for my family because I can just blame it all on Obama! My weight gain? Not my fault, it's Obama's. My foul mouth? Obama's fault! All of it = someone else's fault!!

Come on people, follow me where all of it is someone else's fault!