Report: Unemployment High Because People Keep Blowing Their Job Interviews

With unemployment at its highest level in decades, the U.S. Department of Labor issued a report Tuesday suggesting the crisis is primarily the result of millions of Americans just completely blowing their job interviews.

According to the findings, seven out of 10 Americans could have landed their dream job last month if they had known where they see themselves in five years, and the number of unemployed could be reduced from 14.6 million to 5 million if everyone simply greeted potential employers with firmer handshakes, maintained eye contact, and stopped fiddling with their hair and face so much.

"This economy will not recover until job candidates learn how to put their best foot forward," said Labor Secretary Hilda Solis, warning that even a small increase in stuttering among applicants who are asked to describe their weaknesses could cause the entire labor market to collapse. "If we're going to dig ourselves out of this mess, Americans need to stop wearing blue jeans to interviews, even if they're nice blue jeans, and even if that particular office happens to have a relaxed dress code."

"They also need to start bringing extra copies of their resumés, as it will show they are prepared and serious," Solis added. "And, by the way, how hard is it to send a hand-written thank-you note afterward? Anyone can dash off an e-mail."

A federal survey of employers found that nearly half of job-seeking Americans botched their interviews by responding no when asked, "So, do you have any questions for me?" Among candidates strongly qualified to perform the jobs they were applying for, 36 percent didn't bring a notepad or pen to the interview, and 16 percent were thrown off guard when the interviewer broached topics unrelated to work, such as the weather, sports, or personal hobbies.

Twelve percent, employers said, did this kind of nervous throat-clearing thing.

"If applicants would just say yes when asked if they played softball or liked golf, we could add 350,000 jobs to the private sector," Deputy Labor Secretary Seth Harris said. "The fact is, right now, today, approximately a third of the country's manufacturing positions are vacant. Auto plants across the country, especially in Detroit, are sitting there just waiting for people to come in and build cars."

"You may be a qualified candidate, but none of that matters if you walk into that interview lacking confidence," he added. "Don't act too confident, though. And don't joke around too much. And don't be overly friendly or ask too many questions. But be yourself."

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http://www.theonion.com/articles/report-unemployment-high-because-people-keep-blowi,17803/

nt

The Onion. Thank God.

No doubt some freepers will buy it, though.

I was just about to blow a gasket, when I saw the attribution.

:rofl:

ordinary people.

Seriously.

When I'm interviewing for a web-based PHP/design job.

Seriously.

It's like applying for a job as a French translator and being asked all your questions in Chinese.

You see places wanting someone who is basically a linux guru, windows guru, networking expert, virtualization god, hardware genius and a programming ninja... I can understand them wanting people with working knowledge and an understanding of the various areas/technology they work with, but I don't see how they can expect anyone to have complete solid in-depth knowledge and skills in all those areas...

I've worked with them before. They know everything about computers, because computers are their entire life in and out of the office.

Working 70+ hours a week is no problem for them, and that, IMO is what employers are really looking for.

I mean, I know someday I plan on being one of those guys. My life, for the most part, centers around being an uber geek. The thing is that no matter now much I play around, read, pick up certifications and or whatever... They are pretty useless without solid in-depth repeated experience with them (in my humble opinion)... So anyone with that sort of solid super strong guru level knowledge in all those areas, would probably be a pretty old dude or chick, and would most likely not be interested in a Level III NOC position (what I specifically had in mind)

I dunno, I also have pretty high standards on what level of knowledge/hands on experience is needed before I feel comfortable saying I 'know' how to work with something. I created a relatively complex social networking site from scratch(front-end, back-end code, designed the database, caching layer), built my own servers and did all the other thing to get a site up and running that handled a decent amount of traffic without dying... Despite that, I don't consider myself a web developer or a server admin or a social media guru (wtf is that anyway?). Yet, I know many people would milk that for everything for it's worth... Which I think is kinda bullshit. Ennh.

They wanted someone who could do front-end web development, back-end development, design, and SEO expert, AND maintain their server. :eyes:

Or at least they'll find someone who is a skilled liar, and who is able to convince the employer that they know everything.

IT workers need to be unionized, badly.

the director called me later that day congratulating me that I got a 96%, the highest score ever. He then asked if I knew X, a person from a previous job I didn't get along with. I said "yes". I didn't get the job.

When I was UE last year, I was lucky to get an acknowledgement that my application was even received let alone get a job interview.

Satire at its very finest.

and there are a lot of "welfare queen"/"dumbass" stories floating around and a pretty shitty meme is seemingly are gaining traction and the problems of exhausting benefits and lack of opportunities is even hushed by Democrats, I guess to avoid the state secular religion deadly sin of speaking ill of the economy and/or drawing attention to the fact of how far we have to go to get to anything like broad prosperity and high opportunity.

Which is what good humor is.

It must be the resume and cover letter industry. When you read their schtick you get the feeling that the ability to do the job is irrelevant. It's about appearances. :rofl:

The two interviewers just looked at each other... I cried on the inside.

Clearly The Onion is on to something. :P

Not the interviews, per se, but the corporate hiring practice.

I work in one of those barely-above-minimum-wage retail jobs. We SORELY need new hires, especially in my department (logistics. Very hard to hire people to come in at that hour.)

And yet, the online application is getting tougher and longer. It was already unnecessarily difficult and filled with bullshit to begin with.

Interviews for this sort of position are bullshit too. I had to lie my ass off in terms of caring about and having enthusiasm for the work. I don't give a rat's ass about what kind of work I'm doing, I just needed a job. I would wager that almost nobody actually cares, and yet we still behave as if they should. Is it a crime to lack ambition? Apparently to the people doing the hiring. Anyway I'm one of the best employees at my store regardless of the fact that I don't care about the work, and I've outlasted a lot of other workers. I just believe in doing a good job. I would not have been hired if I was honest about that, and it's very sad.

You know the.. "10 jobs that pay a ton of money, why aren't you doing them already?"

or the "10 self made millionaires" except they actually aren't and got cash infusion from a relative and their spouse worked somewhere so they would have health care while they started the business.

Be confident, but "Don't act too confident, though. And don't joke around too much. And don't be overly friendly or ask too many questions. But be yourself." :rofl:

this really makes one think:... "seven out of 10 Americans could have landed their dream job last month if they had known where they see themselves in five years, "

that is the question i dread the most!

because i certainly don't see myself in any of the jobs i am trying for in 5 years. I personally think very few of us will be secure in the next 5 years. So really i just want a job to get me out of the hole for a couple years so I can figure out what my next step really IS.

but i am a slacker, i would rather be freelancing than sitting in a cube

ugh, funny stuff, right?

until the mention of "dream job."

LOL.

Like others here, I'm almost out of a sense of humor about being UE. It's a very bad

Interviews, are frought with all sorts of social potholes it's way too easy to fall into. Most of the time, the best I can manage is to leave feeling neutral about it, neither that I screwed up too terribly much, nor that I really wowed 'em either. Just that I presented myself as honestly as I could. But, hey, honesty isn't really what interviews are about.

Where are they getting this information from? From companies who are looking for an excuse to hire H 1B Visa employees?

I have no idea what that means, but it seems appropriate.

Been there, done that myself. I might have fallen for it too, but I actually looked for the Help Wanted section in Sunday's local paper. There wasn't a single job in it - it was empty!

espouse this attitude - I have met and sadly worked for some of them.

mark

I once had a candidate show up in shorts and a tank job - for a professional service job, and the interview went downhill from there. Didn't hire her.

However, when I was a manager at a major corporation I was specifically told to only ask questions related to the job, no personal ones, period. I don't see what liking golf or softball has to do with assembling cars.


Yeah, it's the Onion, but I've heard a lot of well-meaning (I hope) people offer the same advice seriously.

I think I'd take it a lot better if it had been posted in the Lounge instead of in GD.

A lot of us DUers are unemployed, and some of us are really living on the edge of disaster. It doesn't help us to see this kind of headline in a forum that's supposed to be about serious topics, even if it does end up to be a joke.

Call me too sensitive, but I'm just not laughing anymore.

but this is actually believed by... Mitch McConnell and the rest of the boys.

the Onion isn't that far off from some of the propaganda that's foisted on us.