Heartbreaking message I received from my dh--

"I just had a bad fight with my mother over politics. She basically called me a over-unionized communist in support of the devilcrats. I tried to get out of the conversation but she was in her clamp-on pit-bull mode, similar to the Armory Square restaurant episode. I am proud that you are protesting in Washington in support of the progressive issues that were supported by the nation's populace in the last election. She was implying it was a bad thing and we were all brainwashed by the left media. I told her every group has a right to express their opinions through protests including her own Teabaggers. She insists that the wealthy, not the working people, generate all the wealth of this nation and her tax dollars support the loafers in this country not the oil company's police force in the Middle East. She really upset me and raised my blood pressure on a day I took off to relax from the bullshit at work. I am not so sure I want to go to Florida (her home) for Christmas if she can't control her political outbursts. I did not call her to talk about politics. I called to talk to her as a son and I was called a communist. I hung up on her and I'm writing her off until I get some form of apology."

We are supposed to visit her this Christmas holiday and I really don't want to go either. I can't really say anything about it because after all, this is his Mom and when you are married you have to spend time with odious people you don't like for your partner's sake. I know this is going to be a problem, she has a problem with anger and her husband like to egg things on. On reflection, my dh said he thinks she's upset because of something else (like her disgusting husband quitting his job and setting up some kind of gold mine investment company-- I know, sounds like a scam to me too). Thing that gets me is that she is not rich or wealthy. She is actually in a union and is a healthcare worker. She works in psychiatric health (just so you know, often people gravitate to fields they need the most assistance from).

Anyway, I wanted to post this because it really saddens me. I want to point out that it is not worth putting hatred and anger at the world or the government between the people you claim to love the most.

I'm so sorry this happened to both of you.

out there who will constantly vote against their own best interest...espicially those associated with christian fundamentalist churches.

i could kiss him for that. i was feeling bad after talking to my "getting old" dad and think, man... i dont want to get off the phone with him angry. brother, we had knock down drag out.... verbally.

the NO politics in our house works, cause they are always at our house.

it has been since 2004. works great. great.

dad and i will talk gently about it now, and we know when to shut up. neither of us want to feel bad with the other

my brothers... i repeat,

no politics
NO politics
nO POliTIcs
No polITIcs
no politics
NO politics
nO POliTIcs
No polITIcs
no politics
NO politics
nO POliTIcs
No polITIcs
no politics
NO politics
nO POliTIcs
No polITIcs

until the shut up


the saddest... your hubby day off and now he gets to feel bad all day. those arguments effect us physically

When my father died, I hadn't spoken to him for almost 15 years, not even to say hello. In fact, I wasn't invited to his memorial.....he didn't have a funeral. (I swear that was because his girlfriend was afraid of the line of traffic that would have ensued to ensure that he really was dead, but that's possibly cynical. End of digression.)

There isn't much you can do about it, from experience.

Listen carefully: The only behaviour you can control is your own. You can't even make suggestions to your mother- and father-in-law if they aren't receptive. Trying to knock sense into them is counter-productive and the local constabulary frowns upon it.

I would suggest staying home. It would be much better for hubby's b/p and your peace of mind. It's not worth making yourself sick over, and since neither of you are looking forward to it.......don't bother.

but it is what it is.

Haven't spoken to either parent in the last maybe 5-7 years, more than once or twice. Can't remember, because we've gone on/off since I was a teen. With my family, there are plenty of issues, but politics and control of thought regarding politics and point of view were pretty big issues.

It took me until I was almost 40 to understand with certainty that I could only control my own behavior, and that no matter how much I wanted to have "parents", it was beyond my ability to change their behavior.

I wish I had parents who were normal. But that wasn't in the cards. I even got my undergrad in psych, thinking it might help me come up with some creative solutions, but I was young and overly optimistic back then. While I deeply regret that it couldn't be worked out, for them or me, I was able to find my way and much happiness once I accepted that without movement or desire to change on their part, there was no way to reach them through their closed minds and bitterness. I realized it was only 2 lives wasted awash in anger and bitterness, instead of 3. And that I could live a life worthy of my own praise, make my own mistakes, learn my life lessons and just get on with doing what humans are here to do in the short time allotted to us, in as good a frame of mind as possible.

I also hope the OP ends up finding peace of mind. Some of these situations are simply not fixable, but it is hard to know when to draw the line and cut contact. For me, I wish I'd done it in my 30s, rather than at 40, because the peace was instantaneous once I had clarity on the issue (though there was some major sadness at the loss of what could have been). It was peace from finally seeing how things were, instead of walking on eggshells and dreaming of a relationship that could never have been possible.

Don't show for Xmas; but don't send any negative comments. Try not to make things worse by your actions or words -- you can't help if your inaction, such as not showing in Florida, is interpreted as making things worse. Chances are, were you to show, things would just get further out of hand. See whether she gets over the phase she's going through.

Be up front and say you value the relationship but don't want political disagreements get in the way. Have some sort of word or phrase that either side can invoke to stop the discussion if it creeps up and use it as soon as it starts.

It probably will be a bit strained at first with some awkward silences, but it will get easier as a new dynamic grows.

Family is family and shouldn't be disowned over politics, but neither side should be subjected to hostility. To me, a ban on political talk is the best solution when each side is this entrenched.

and I don't care what excuse you come up with. Ill health is always a good one for me, but it would have to be sudden in your case.

Mom is probably scared to death over the obvious scam her husband is involved in and that's a big part of it, but you need to protect yourselves from this stuff, having people screaming at you for days about shit that isn't real.

Just let her know that while you won't be coming for Xmas, you're there for her. She's going to need somebody to help pick up the pieces, and my guess is that it will be sooner rather than later.

Keep the lines of communication open as much as possible, just realize you're under no obligation to be used as her political punching bag.

one condition. Tell them there will be no politics or religion talk, period. The first sign of that talk you will leave. Follow through. If your husband doesn't want to come tell him you will pick him up when he is ready to come back to the motel. It is up to him. Christmas is suppose to be a time of fun. I made that deal in my family and it worked and we enjoyed it. DO IT. I hope it helps.

We used a form of this compromise when my father was refusing to take his medication for bipolar disorder as he has a horrific temper and can become physical.

Just remember that their house, their rules but you get to leave whenever you've had enough. I don't understand why some folks can't just put aside a few hours to enjoy some turkey, football and dessert w/out mucking things up.

In my traditional Irish Catholic family, long distances and non-communication are the keys to harmony.

The political climate in this country, brought on by right wing radio and Fox News (IMO), is something more vicious than I have ever seen. I simply don't recall people of different political views literally raging at family and friends of opposite views when I was a kid 30-40 years ago. The right is the worst, they feel if they can't convert us then we are the "enemy". That's right wing media, they seem to promote enmity rather than disagreement.

I'm probably about your age and I do NOT remember those kinds of fights either.

to spend Thanksgiving with one family and Christmas with the other. Or something along those lines. Bad idea. You should always and only spend holidays with people you actually want to be with.

For the times you do visit, a strict No Politics rule can be a very good one. Of course, if you're on their turf and Faux News is on 24/7, you might need to rethink that part of it -- visiting them on their turf, I mean.

I have family members that are rabid Republicans, and it has caused a serious rift in our relationship. Of course, they would say that the problem is with me for being a Democrat, but our family was Democratic long, long before they went to the dark side.

My dear grandfather always used to say "Beware the three 'R's - relatives, religion, and Republicans". Although he's been gone for decades, his words still ring true.

Hang in there.

you're allowed.

via phone calls, before Christmas. She may flatly refuse to consider it. So stay home this year and hopefully this will convince her you are serious about this. As I have always said, never give a deadline or threaten a sanction unless you are fully prepared to follow through on it.

On the other hand, she may agree, but be unable to control her vitriol. Then test her with weekly, regular phone calls to get her into the pattern of NOT discussing politics, picking fights or name-calling, etc. If she gets abusive on a phone call, quickly tell her you have to hang up, and do so, immediately.

I have a couple of toxic in-laws, and have found that the more you accommodate them, the more abusive they get. I'm not talking about the tipsy uncle, slutty sister-in-law, etc. I'm talking about really nasty, poisonous people who see the holidays as a chance to insult & attack other family members. So I chose to walk away, for my own peace of mind and mental health.

I dragged one 50-ish friend away from his huge (40 or so people), very disturbed, albeit wealthy family's Thanksgiving, to spend the day with me and my single daughter at her place in the country. We cooked in her big kitchen, enjoyed a delicious meal, went for a walk in the woods. Later he fell asleep on the sofa in front of her fireplace. Told me later it was the best Thanksgiving he ever had. The following Christmas, I went with him to his family's dinner/ gift-exchange. His father poured a drink on my friend's 23 year old son, got into a cursing match with my friend, and stormed out. Then my friend insisted on storming out as well, before dinner or the gift exchange. We ended up having Christmas dinner at a Chinese restaurant - the only place open on Christmas day.

I suggested some professional therapy to help him handle the situation. He refused, and I ended the relationship. Told him I was not qualified to be a psychologist/therapist, and that's what he needed.

In short, there is an incredible amount of stress in all our lives today - use your holidays to relax.

Ralphie?

-Hoot

Life imitates art!

it is about God and such. She believes there is a God and I am an agnostic. She then will get so concerned that I will die and go to hell that she sets about to try and "save my soul" which gets rather aggrevating to me. Finally, I just tell her I accept her right to her believe and that I have my own which I don't feel I am so correct in to debate about it. I no longer do that but try to stay off the subject, but when it isn't possible I just let her talk and then say ok and change the subject.

:hug:

my father and my mom's sister... about the cost of living and trickle down economics. It got so bad, so quickly that my grandfather ( a previously quiet, non-threatening man) went zooming off in the LTD, forgetting to wait for my grandma. It was horrible. I was frightened and--

--it all blew over in a week or two. My grandfather called my dad (his son in law) some awful, awful names. Hopefully there are enough non-political family members in your own family to be the "glue". Thankfully there were in mine.

she's too ignorant to talk to. See how she like that sort of honesty.

When they don't care about your feelings, you have to decide whether the relationship is worth continuing.

OT--I'm in Syracuse too right now, taking care of my MIL! She and I don't see eye-to-eye on political stuff, either, but at least she knows better than to piss me off.

I hope your MIL is okay. You should try and get out if the sun does and see the changing colorful leaves.

S'posed to be a nice weekend! Planning to go up to Sandy Pond.:hi:

Here's hoping things somehow improve after a break. Before Christmas, too.

You don't have to spend Christmas with his parents.
You do NOT have to spend Christmas with his parents.

You have a right to set up your own Christmas tradition.

If he really wants to go, then follow the earlier suggestion and stay at a hotel. Make it clear to the in-laws that one word on politics and you will go back to the hotel and stick to it.

But seriously...you do not have to spend Christmas -- or any other holiday -- in hell on earth.

- and we don't talk politics at family gatherings for that reason. There will be a day when parents and family are gone forever but you will always be able to find someone to talk politics to. I hope they can agree to put politics aside and enjoy each others company.

He is a total teabagger who has beck and limbaugh beamed directly into what is left of his brain! He always brings up politics and it is always a huge fight so I have pretty much tried to stay away. Its too bad but it has become incredibly toxic so I am doing what I have to. :\