Last Remaining Politician Must Rebuild Entire Government ...

Following Bloodiest Midterm Election In American History



In the wake of what is being called the deadliest midterm election in the nation's history, Washington's sole surviving politician, Rep. Peter DeFazio of Oregon's 4th Congressional District, emerged from the rubble of the Capitol building Wednesday to announce his intention to rebuild the fallen U.S. government.

The events of Tuesday night—which included live televised images of Sen. Harry Reid taking a gavel to the head of Sen. Mitch McConnell while Rep. Barney Frank repeatedly smashed the face of Undersecretary for Food Safety Elisabeth Hagen against a marble column—left most Americans believing their entire government had perished in the post-election bloodbath. But the miraculous survival of DeFazio points to a possible way forward.

After fashioning a splint for his broken leg and treating himself for superficial head wounds, a shaken DeFazio addressed the nation Wednesday.

"If anybody can hear me, my name is Peter DeFazio, and I'm a member of the U.S. Congress," he called out from a makeshift podium atop the ruins of the Lincoln Memorial. "I—I'm not sure exactly what happened here, but I want to assure the American people that we, or rather I, will get to all of your concerns as soon as humanly possible. I promise."

"I will find my old office, or build a new one if necessary, and Christ, whose is this?" DeFazio added as he pulled a severed ear from his coat pocket. "Is this…is this Graham's ear? Jesus God, what happened here? What have we done?"

DeFazio claimed to have awoken Wednesday morning beneath the burnt and gutted body of the late Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-AL), remembering little of the previous day's election, or the ensuing melee in which all three branches of government fought each other to the death across Washington.



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http://www.theonion.com/articles/last-remaining-politician-must-rebuild-entire-gove,18384/