An Exclusive Transcript of the Obama-Cheney Phone Call

{Ring ring ... ring ring}

Cheney: Mreh, hello, who is this?
Obama: Hello, Dick, it's Barack Obama.
Cheney: C'mon, George, cut it out already, it's getting old.
Obama: No, Dick, this really is Barack Obama. I'm calling to see how you're doing.

Cheney: Oh, uh, Mr. President. That's very considerate of you. I haven't exactly been your strongest advocate.
Obama: Ha ha, no ... you certainly have not. But even though we've sort of become adversaries over the past year, we shouldn't let our policy differences overshadow what's truly important in life.
Cheney: Yes, Mr. President, I agree completely.
Obama: Good. So, what do the doctors say?
Cheney: Well, just that I should take things really easy on my heart for a while. You know, stay calm, not get too excited or upset.
Obama: Of course, that's good advice. You really have to be careful — your weak little heart is very delicate right now.
Cheney: Well, yes.
Obama: Hey, Dick, while I have you on the line, would you mind if I ran a few things by you? Just some national-security stuff I've been thinking about.
Cheney: Me? You ... you want my advice?
Obama: Sure, I mean, I know we disagree on some things, but I would really value an outside opinion from someone as experienced as yourself.
Cheney: I appreciate that, Mr. President. How can I help?
Obama: Well, I've been thinking about how to handle these terrorists we keep capturing.
Cheney: Yes, Mr. President.
Obama: And I think we need a whole new approach to how we treat them.
Cheney: I would certainly agree with that, Mr. President.
Obama: We need to get information out of these people, regardless of the methods.
Cheney: Yes, Mr. President, this is exactly what I've been saying.
Obama: So what I'd like to do ...
Cheney: Yes ...
Obama: ... is take these terrorists ...
Cheney: Yes...
Obama: ... lay them out on a table ...
Cheney: YES ...
Obama: And give them a nice, relaxing massage.
Cheney: What? Mr. President, you must be kidding.
Obama: No, I'm completely serious, Dick. I know it might be unsavory to treat our enemies so kindly, but I really think if we just pamper them to no end, give them some incentives, they'll be more likely to cooperate.
Cheney: This can't be serious.
Obama: Oh, it's entirely serious. I've already put the wheels in motion by secretly placing my Social secretary, Desirée Rogers, in charge of all future interrogations.
Cheney: Mr. President, that's completely irresponsible.
Obama: I'm thinking after the massage they'll probably be hungry, so we'll provide them with a big buffet cooked by our White House chef. And then after the buffet, maybe a soothing aromatherapy bubble bath. Oooh, and candles.
Cheney: I can't believe what I'm hearing!
Obama: And then we'll just let them stay in our government-run, taxpayer-funded spa until they decide to start talking. A lot of Ivy League academics tell me they think it'll work.
Cheney: Mr. President, this is outrageous!
Obama: Dick, please, you're overreacting.
Cheney: Overreacting?!? Overreacting! This cannot stand, Mr. President! This is absurd! I swear to God I'll do everything in my power to stop this!
Obama: Chill out, bro.
Cheney: Don't you dare tell me to "chill out, bro"! You're turning America into ... into ...
Obama: Oh, Dick, I'm sorry, but it's Reverend Wright on the other line; I have to take this. Get better soon, Dick. Peace out.