The World According To ...

Barack Obama is a non-citizen, having been born in Kenya. At the time of his birth, a vast left-wing conspiracy, being prescient, planted a birth announcement in a Hawaiian newspaper in order to pave the way to his presidency decades later. The Republican party, despite their access to millions of dollars and unlimited operatives, have yet to find his Kenyan birth certificate – but a bunch of basement-bound yahoos, armed with a computer, a year’s supply of Cheetos, and a framed poster of Orly Taitz, will uncover this document any day now.

George W. Bush inherited a surplus from his predecessor, Bill Clinton. He plowed through every dime of it, then borrowed money from China to fund tax cuts for the wealthy, while waging two wars on the country’s credit card. Obviously, the current debt we find ourselves in is all Barack Obama’s fault. If O really cared about the economy, he would have (a) cautioned George not to be such a fuckin’ idiot when he was still in office, or (b) used the WH Time Machine to bring the nation back to a year when we were solvent, and gone from there.

Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck are true patriots – and lying, misrepresenting facts, and inciting citizens to violence are confirmation of their commitment to their country. Raging against a sitting president is as patriotic as it gets – unless, of course, there is an (R) in the White House, in which case all of the aforementioned is as treasonous as it gets.

Aborting a fetus is against God’s plan. Providing food, clothing and other necessities for a living child through welfare, food stamps, and other social safety-net programs is also against God’s plan – hey, who knew?

Affordable healthcare is not a right, but a privilege for those who can afford it. Paying corporate taxes is also not a right, but a privilege – and we thank those corporations that have chosen not to take advantage of that privilege, despite the fact that they can well afford it.

Recent survey results show a more positive image world-wide of the US since Barack Obama has been in office – such surveys are, at best, flawed and inaccurate. Recent surveys also show that Teabaggers are better educated than most Americans – such surveys are, at the least, the Gospel truth.

The victims of Katrina were whiny malcontents with no sense of humor. Innocents who were tortured under BushCo for political purposes can’t take a joke. Displaced, orphaned, maimed Iraqis are unable to appreciate the hilarity of a well-timed punchline. Suggesting that those who left NOLA to drown, those who tortured, and those who chose to invade Iraq based on lies should be held accountable is SO NOT FUNNY.

Inquiring about a welfare recipient who might be getting two dollars a month more than she’s entitled to is being fiscally responsible. Inquiring into how millions of dollars in US currency “went missing” in Iraq is nit-picking.

The concept that dinosaurs and man coexisted for centuries is (despite all evidence to the contrary) a FACT. Global warming (despite all evidence to the contrary) is a HOAX.

George W. Bush kept the nation safe and secure – if you don’t count 9-11. Napoleon was undefeated in battle – if you don’t count Waterloo.

“Good Christian Family Values” is a broadly-embraced GOP idea – and includes trolling for sex in a public bathroom, and getting off on wearing a soiled diaper in an LA brothel. A loving relationship between two men or two women is as immoral as it is disgusting.

Teabaggers are the result of grassroots citizens spontaneously banding together to express their outrage at higher taxes (which have been lowered), government hand-outs like Medicare (which they take full advantage of), federal squandering of tax dollars (for things like the highways they travelled to get to the protest), and the importance of making English our offical language, mis-spellings and all. (And please ignore the FOX-News personnel whipping up the crowds – in a “grassroots” kind of way and all.)

Racism has nothing to do with organizations like the Teabagger movement – in the same way racism had nothing to do with school segregation, separate drinking fountains, or being relegated to the back of the bus.

The government has too much influence in the personal affairs of US citizens – except in the areas of abortion rights, what goes on in the privacy of your bedroom, wire-tapping without just cause or a warrant, keeping tabs on your library withdrawals, perusing your email, etc.

Separation of Church and State was never meant to include “Christian” religions that take in millions of dollars per annum – especially those who are more than happy to throw a few mil towards the election campaigns of those who see things their way.

Keeping “Christ in Christmas” is an all-important two-week battle that must be waged at all costs. Keeping Christ’s teachings in mind during the rest of the year is religious fanaticism.

Traveling the world to meet with heads of state to confer on global issues is just a euphemism for goofin’ off. “Clearing brush” in Crawford is just another way of saying pondering the challenges that face a nation, and strategerizin’ world peace.

“Mission Accomplished” should be a banner on an aircraft carrier, NOT an actual goal.

“Support Our Troops” should be a bumper-sticker, NOT an actual policy.

A REAL president serves plastic turkey to troops in Iraq searching for WMDs that never existed.

A FAKE president serves real turkey to the homeless who, according to the GOP, don’t exist – and if they do, it’s their own fault for being where they are.

It’s all so simple to understand – when you’re simple-minded.

A good percentage of DU doesn't deserve you.



....but keep 'em coming.