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The reason we cannot have success in Afghanistan is because of its culture. We view it as a nation, but its people do not view themselves as a nation. They are a highly tribal culture. We are thinking like Westerners, and want the Afghans to emulate us - at least when it comes to governance. Yet, what we desire is alien to them, and in the eyes of many undesirable.
Democracy only works when the people embrace it. A nation can only be a nation in truth - not just in word - when its people identify as such.
Thus, I think the only path to victory is the systematic destruction of Afghan culture and customs. Western culture, customs, and values will replace them to varying degrees. This obviously makes this a generational war - lasting 30 years or more.
It could be accomplished as follows: Immediately end whatever faux democratic rule that might exist in Afghanistan. In place of the current Afghan government would exist a military dictatorship. A basic constitution would be written ensuring the Afghan people certain basic rights, the constitution would be temporary and transitory, lasting only up until democratic rule could emerge. This eliminates the high amount of corruption within the government, and allows those Afghans who serve the military authority to be held accountable directly to that authority (which ideally is not corrupt itself).
The next step is to cease attempting to claim and hold territory. Instead a new modern settlement would be established. Afghans will be put to work in vast public works projects building up said settlement. The Military would largely confine themselves to that settlement and establish a "safe zone" around it. It would then attempt to herd as many Afghan's as possible toward the settlement.
Education will be provided for the children, and it is through that education that Afghanistan is fundamentally changed. The children would be throughly Westernized, likely in some type of semi-permanent boarding school. As they come of age and mature, they will be the first generation of "New Afghans."
Meanwhile, militarily speaking we use drones to strike at suspected Taliban and other undesirable groups from the safety of the safe zone. We train up Afghan soldiers, who would eventually become an extension of the military authority. Those Afghan soldiers slowly but surely move outward, re-conquering Afghanistan. This ensures that they sustain the bulk - if not all - of the losses. Afghans who did not integrate would be forced to integrate as the Afghan soldiers re-conquer their territory.
In 30 to 50 years Afghanistan should ideally be a young fledgling democracy, and the military dictatorship could gradually be dismantled through establishing a transition government. The transition government would then be responsible to drafting a new constitution for Afghanistan. Once the government has been established, is stable, and can stand on its own two feet the United States can begin a full withdrawal.
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There is one alternative path, but it's more dangerous and arguably even more vile. We can begin withdrawal immediately, but to ensure the Taliban do not return we fully arm the citizenry. We supply them with vast amounts of weapons and ammunition. We basically say, "Fight for your own country if you want it." Then leave. Even if this successfully ensures that the Taliban do not take over, it would absolutely result in endless civil war with one warlord after another. That is, unless one emerges that is strong enough to take control of the entire nation. From an American perspective that could be either good or bad, depending upon the goals of the warlord. It would also require us to turn a blind eye to egregious human rights violations.
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Ultimately, though - you're right. We can't just leave and expect things to improve. Leaving will have a horrific impact upon the Afghan people. It will also inevitably lead to civil war. There are no good choices, only choices that are less bad.
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