Heavenly Press Release: Those to be Raptured Selected

Date: May 21, 2011
Time: 12:01 HST
Contact: St. John D. Baptist
Cell: 111-100-0012

For Immediate Release

Rapture Limited to 144,000 from Three Groups Only

Word has come down from On High, regarding the scheduled Rapture event to begin today. We have it from an anonymous source close to the Highest Power that the 144,000 Rapturees have been selected from only three groups of mortals. All others were not chosen in the rigorous selection process. The following list shows the three groups and the numbers of mortals chosen from those groups:

1. Order of Poor Clares (Roman Catholic Church) - All 20,000 current living members of this order have been selected for their extreme devotion.
2. Quakers - 86,000 Quakers from various parts of the world have been selected for promoting peaceful solutions.
3. Buddhists - 38,000 Buddhists from various sects of Buddhism have been selected for their adherence to the actual principles of Buddhism.

When asked for the reasons for these decisions, the anonymous source said, "Hell, I don't know. God's ways are known only to Himself. All I know is that's what He told me, so there you are..."

No further announcements regarding this event are expected.

PB

What about me? My house is in foreclosure. They should take me first.


:smoke:

What about the children? Must they be eaten by Zombies too?

I think I'll just sit here and wait for the taxi! :beer: :beer: :beer:

Just don't get on the 666 bus. That sucker's doomed.

a Quaker, I guess. From your name, I'd imagine that the Poor Clares would have not been an option. They're picky about that sort of thing.