Supreme Court Has To Rule Having Sex With American Flag Protected Under First Amendment

WASHINGTON—U.S. Supreme Court justices expressed unqualified disgust Tuesday after ruling that fornication with the American flag is an act of free speech protected by the First Amendment.

Writing that the 8-1 decision was "necessary, but it's really just unbelievable that it's come to this," Chief Justice John Roberts concluded in his majority opinion that the constitutionally guaranteed freedom of expression necessarily extends to individuals "committing unspeakable and abominable acts" with the flag.

"It is incumbent upon this court to protect all forms of speech, regardless of their popularity, and regardless of whether they involve some sick, twisted human being defiling the enduring symbol of our great nation," Roberts wrote. "I honestly cannot believe I have been put in a position where I have to say something like this, but yes, if you actually want to wrap the American flag around your erect penis and rub vigorously in an effort to bring yourself to orgasm, the First Amendment gives you that right."

"Jesus, what the hell is wrong with you people?" Roberts added.

More: http://www.theonion.com/articles/disgusted-supreme-court-cant-believe-it-has-to-rul,20719/