Living with Mommy

You could say that I "live with mommmy"

And you'd be right. And I am 41 years old. So I guess I am a total loser, right? Oh yeah, not married. (GLBT, thanks)

Let's back up a bit, shall we.

Parents are lower middle class blue collar workers. Always lived paycheck to paycheck. Now eek out an existence on Social Security.

Dad is 70 with early dementia that has turned him into a total prick toward my mom. Doesn't drive any more.

Little brother (38 years old) is developmentally disabled and doesn't drive, though he works at a grocery store as a bagger.

Mom is 61 and is in remission from PPC (for now) - the chemo has wrecked her eyesight and except for short trips in our own neighborhood, isn't comfortable driving anymore.

So I guess if I ever made the news, people would make fun of me for "living with mommmy"

I guess I can live with that even though it will be meant as a way to insult me. Ah well. Even though it's meant to be belittling, I don't feel belittled by the insult. Though it's very irksome the way it gets tossed around DU all the time.

and in my extended family, there are a number of multi-generational households. We don't farm our elders out or, haven't up to now, who knows what our kids will do. Culturally, I just don't get the obsession with nuclear family units. They're isolating and uneconomical. I've always lived with or near my family and always will.

:shrug:

but as an orphan, I've chosen family and I choose polyamory so I don't, nor do I ever think I will have, a "normal" family. I'm okay with that.

I will NEVER regret what I did. I loved them with my whole heart and they loved me. They taught me about honor and justice. They were FDR dems and they are now and always will be my heroes. No one should say anything to you, my dear friend, but thank you for being a great son to your parents. No one who ever helps their parents is anything but a fricking saint. Love is a circle, closed by you with your family. Kudoes to you for your honorable heart.

There's no shame in it. The only losers are the ones who disparage others for the way they choose to live their lives.

though they are both dead now. I was there to take care of my father when he was suffering from dementia, I feed him and changed his depends. Anyone who wants to insult me about it (and some did at the time) can FUCK OFF! All I know is that some people who made catty remarks about me dumped their parents on others to take care of.

It shocks me that you had catty remarks made about you. I used to be a home health nurse and saw plenty of multigenerational families. I have nothing but respect for that. I understand when sometimes, one needs help or has to send their family to a medical care facility but being made fun of for not doing that is, just, bizarre.

I heard a wise guru said once that caring for elderly and disabled family is another way of serving God...

The comment about people making fun of you for "living with mom" is totally correct, Beck springs to mind. But its just another example of what a complete spiritual vacuum this culture has become. "Family Values"? What about the values families lived by for ages. FDR lived with his mom his entire life for example, because family was important to him. But these days its all about shiny symbols without substance. Its not about having satisfaction in your life, its not about considering your own metric of success, its about going through whatever hell is necessary to convince other people you are successful. Its about a life dedicated to making other people feel miserable about themselves because they are lower than you, because somebody did the same to you, with no real thought of what actually makes you happy. That's why those who project poverty are seldom offended with those who try to project wealth, but not the other way around: Those who project wealth are fundamentally obsessed and motivated by what other people think, and when you don't care, it enrages them. That's why they can never stop, why they can never leave people alone, is because their demonic need to be worshiped because they paid $200 more for the same pair of sunglasses as you have but with a designer label, so you would be impressed. Your contentment with a simple life undermines their sense of self worth, and reminds them that its founded in absolute horseshit.

But you've mischaracterized your role, you see.

You aren't "living with mommy." You are a caregiver to your aging parents and your disabled brother. You're providing physical, financial and emotional support to them and enabling them to STAY IN THEIR HOME.

That's a good thing. Heroic.

People who are "living with mommy" are in the basement, playing video games, and expecting "mommy" to do their laundry, make their dinner, change their sheets, clean their bathroom, and record their favorite late night cartoons when they go out to a movie with their friends. In exchange, they might take out the garbage or shovel the walkway on occasion in the winter, but that's about the extent of it.

Offer to trade with anyone who tries to give you shit. Once you explain your duties, I will wager they'll STFU.

PB

:applause:

Extended family living arrangements are unnecessarily treated with derision and suspicion in our society. The nuclear family is less than a hundred years old -- a blink of an eye in human history. Why should we submit to the idea living on one's own is a reasonable measure of either financial success or psychological stability?

To be accompanied by an ironic offer to trade circumstances.

And only to be used with "anyone who gives you shit."

See, the idea isn't really to "explain," it's to make the person ragging about the living arrangements feel like a total jackass.

I was bemoaning our society's expectations, not your suggestion.

In Asia that share a house with generations. They take care of each other. Some go off and have separate lives, others bring their wives and husbands home to become part of the family. This has gone on for centuries, long before Pilgrims stepped off the Mayflower. I don't know why it is looked down on by some people. One can chose to go out into the world and raise a family or stay and contribute to the family they have come from. Either choice is good, it depends on what you chose.

to the US. It is one of the ways they help each other get ahead in our world. I admire this. In these hard times we could learn a lot from them.

lived with us in a small Manhattan apartment. Yes, it was very cramped, but I consider myself priviledged to have lived with them. You cannot put a price on what I learned from them as very young child.

that the adult kid is living off parents being lazy. that there are a lot of situations where an adult kid needs to live at home to help out.

agreed.

thanks for expressing.

and it makes me sad that living with one's parents is an insult. You're a good child for doing what you do. My grandma lived with my aunt until she died, and before she lived with my aunt, she lived with my parents. She liked having her kids and grandkids nearby, and we all loved living with her.

Once a child, now a responsible and loving adult.

I read an article a while back about parents buying condos or renting apartments for their 20 somethings - so having your own place also does not mean you are financially independent!

And just being financially independent making people superior to those who are not is anti-poor.

It would make as much sense to criticize people who had roommates over those who live alone. One's roommate being one's relatives shouldn't make a difference.

Some might be paying Mommy rent, too. Or taking care of her.

My parents, brother and I lived with my grandmother, great-aunt and great uncle. Because of my father's alcoholism and difficulty holding down a job, we couldn't have afforded to live separately as a "nuclear family". And because the grand-relatives mostly lived on Social Security, they would have had a hard time living on their own as well.

These days, although I don't live with my Mom, I do live nearby. She is 73, legally blind and diabetic, and needs help getting certain things done. My older brother (who has psych problems, but who does work part-time) lives with her, and they need both incomes to get by. Because neither of them drive, I take them on their errands, like grocery shopping, banking, trips to the pharmacy and doctor appts.

This is just family taking care of family, and there is nothing wrong with it. In fact, there is a lot that is right about it.

I don't think that you owe anyone an explanation. However, I sure am glad that you posted this. Thank you.

(edit fer spellin' erroror)

that happens when people try to broad-brush a whole group of "others" just because they hate that group....like Republican Freeper-types who live in their mommy's basement.

People who do that end up insulting/hurting others.

and it's wrong.


Thank you for pointing that out, although I'm not sure the message will get through to the worst offenders...

Those houses were surrounded by Fields of hand planted vegetables. Our water was pumped on a outside hand pump. We used out houses for toilets and took baths in large galvanized tubs. We had chickens and slaughtered a pig once a year (sometimes we even ate squirrel). We canned and had a cellar-hole to store our canned goods.

There was my Grandfather and Grandmother, three uncles, four aunts and ten of us kids. Two of my uncles worked jobs off the farm as did one of my aunts they also helped on the farm in their spare time, ha! We sold a lot of our produce to markets in the area. Most of our (the children's) clothes were made from feed grain bags.

BEST CHILDHOOD EVER!!!!!

I am so glad to have had the chance to have my extended family play such a large part in my life. We were poor in worldly goods but rich with love.

Pay no attention to what others say about living with Mommy. Sometimes people require putting down others because they have no real self worth.

My dad broke his back trying to help my mom when she was felled by a massive stroke, and he's no longer mobile.

He's sharp as a tack, and there's no way could he put up with a nursing home (he's too immobile for assisted living) - he lived there after surgery, and almost went nuts. So I moved in, and take care of him, his old dog, and the house.

Although in our society, it is more acceptable for a woman to live with aging parents, because it's assumed that we are the ones who are going to care for them. I know men doing the same thing, and they're not accorded the same respect that I am, which is ridiculous.

I worried not about what my friends was saying about me behind my back then and I worry not what someone says about you today. You do what you feel is the best for you and your family. Sounds like you are a god send to the family actually.
Have a great day.

edit to add an S to friend

Anyone who is spending any time deciding that you are "living with mommy" clearly has no since of responsibility and too much damn time on their hands.

I told my kid when he was little, no mommy - mom, that's it.

so judgmental??

Your put down was unnecessary.

--have acquired the sense to come in out of the rain? I alwsys joked with my mom about that. I wish she was still around to share a laugh with.

I'm glad I still have her around and that she is not in the late stages yet.

Both of my parents went quickly, still with full mental powers intact. I see friends watch the people inside their parents' bodies fade and deteriorate over time until nothing but a shell is left. I can hardly find words to console them.

and having just lost my Mommy @ 79, I must give you a + 1 for this.

:hug:

When I was about 8, I was told I had to stop calling my mom Mommy, because it was... I don't recall the exact words, but basically it supposedly conveyed some sort of negative ownership.

If she hadn't died when I was eight, I don't know what that might have morphed into. Might not have. I do wish I was given that opportunity to find out. But I had eight precious years with her and I think she started me on the path to being a caring human being.

we've been terrible parents, sending him to college was a mistake too.

I moved my 86 year old Father in with me a year ago. I have always called him Daddy. Still do.

A lady is always daddy's girl!

A grown man saying mommy is just down right cringe worthy!

My son's biomom calls her mommy and he calls me Terri but all the adults call me ESM. I am the most loving stepmother ever. Therefore, being called ESM (Evil Step Monster) is a great hoot. Now my kid's biomom is a stepmom and he's taken to calling her ESM with her permission.

:wtf: It's none of your business what someone else calls their parents, geesh!

a whole lot of Americans will have to be doing this soon, and I think our national conversation is going to change pretty darn quickly.

the judging of others' living situations gets really out of hand here at times. Bless you for what you're doing, which is showing your parents real love.

:hug:

And your parents raised you correctly.

Don't worry what anyone else thinks.

And I am proud that I lived with my parents for 18 years as they aged and eventually died. Mom died in 2007 and Dad in 2009. Before they died both of them deteriorated terribly... Mom with dementia, and Dad with cancer, but if I had not been living with them they both would have ended up in a nursing home years before they died. I was fortunate enough to find a very good job that also allowed me to work at home, so I became their guardian and nurse for several years. Because I was able to be here they were able to live out their entire lives at THEIR home. This meant so much to me and to them, of course. I wouldn't trade my time with them at home for anything in the world. It was a complete honor for me to be able to do this.

Of course, my parents were always the most loving, generous, and gracious people to me, despite my shortcomings and faults. Mom was always my champion and stood up for me no matter what I had done. Dad was a great life teacher. He was one of the most steady and sensible people I ever knew.

So, when I hear a story like yours I don't think anything odd of "living with Mommy"... to the contrary, I think it is quite noble and wonderful of you to be doing what you are doing. :hug::hi:

For your wonderful, kind responses. It's tough sometimes, but it helps them and it helps me. I make very little money, but I don't spend much.

We all live better lives for living together. And I don't have to have roommates or be a wage slave.

It just irks me sometimes to hear the living with mommy meme.

And until our basement flooded with the big floods of '10 in Rhode Island, I lived in the basement.

But it was a really nice basement. Can't afford to have it redone though. Which sucks big time. I loved having my own floor that had the best climate in the house. Warm in the winter, cool in the summer.

Thanks for the post. Did my heart good!
I have no family left, and no one to take care of me, so not sure what will happen in the future.
Good on you for what you do.

you have to live with them, whose business is it but you and your family's? And why should anyone else give a shit? You're a good person, doing the right thing. :hugs:

I tell my son ALL THE TIME, our door is always open if you ever need a home. Our home will ALWAYS be his home also. In this economy, we're all going to have to live with extended family to make ends meet...just like the old days.

My partners parents shared his home. Now his son and daughter share our home and plan to continue living at least on the same property if not in the same house. My boys will also always have a place with us if they and their families want to. There is something to be said for sharing the work amongst many :)

Depression, I think many families will be moving in together.

I'm glad you are there to help her out...good luck.

A few decades ago, when I was in my 20s, my mom came to live with me when she needed some help getting back on her feet.

After my first divorce, she did the same for me, and my kids.

After my 2nd divorce, my younger son helped me move, and moved in with me for 2 years. He gave up a job and a life in a different city to do so, because he wanted to make sure I was going to be okay.

When his son, my grandson, had a health crisis, he and the boy moved back in with me...for 2 years, which is how long it took for him to be able to go back to work and send the boy back to school. Now he lives with his son and his SO, and her retired Dad has moved in with them.

Last winter, my mom moved in with me...just for the winter. She's getting kind of old to deal with the heavy snows and hard winters where she lives, and it was nice to have her around. That's going to be a regular part of our lives.

My oldest son hasn't moved back home, but he knows he can walk in the door at any time and we'll find room.

We're family. We don't think twice about it. We're there for whatever is needed.

are family and we will not caste out family.

An elderly neighbor died about a year ago.
Shortly after, her ex husband moved in with her present/widowed husband. You can often see them working together in the veggie garden or building something or another. It seems their shared loss brought them together.

Their children love the arrangement.

Amirite?

lol

A significant percentage of my acquaintances also "live with mommy" if one wants to be technical about it. But the circumstances are all unique and in every case indicate no sort of mental pathology or loser status whatsoever.

In my opinion, it's another example of how the nuclear family that arose to prominence in our society less than a century ago quickly became the norm despite many millennia of extended family group living arrangements.

and in retrospect it was a wonderful opportunity to get to know my niece and nephew.

Circumstances change, and now I have my own little family.

No one with any sensitivity at all will make fun of you for "living with mommy."

Does the ridicule against that Norwegian right-wing self-styled "crusader" (who also lived with his mother, I believe) occasion your message?

and there are others like you who do so because they are caring for their parents.

What you do is completely different than the first group.

You're self-sacrifice is commendable.

saving up -- lots of reasons.

living at home. In Italy many people stay at home with their parents til they get married. Why leave. My meals were prepared and did my cloths. All I had to do is clean my own room. She didn't drive so we took her to the doctors appointment and grocery store.

Even if you didnt have all of those reasons for being at home, there's nothing wrong with living with the people you love and saving money.

I'm afraid our society developed this silly imperative many decades ago. It's not necessary. Even for couples who want to get married, as long as they can all get along.

BTW, my oldest is severely developmentally disabled, and we expect to have him with us for many years. We want to make it easy for our youngest to live with all of us and save money so he can have a better future. We would like for him to have privacy, but stay close, if possible.

Goes to College, works part-time, pays over half of his way...is helpful.



The Tikkis
p.s. WE LOVE HIM...

But I'm actually planning to become a full time student starting in the winter session so I have an excuse.

I don't have the words to tell you how much I find you and what you are doing to be the apex of what we're supposed to do if we're to be considered human.

May you be blessed in so many ways. :applause:

aren't able to any more. American heroes all, if you ask me. Good for you. I imagine your parents are very proud of you.

:hug:

My brothers are all married with kids, though all live within 20 minutes of us. I had my own home, when my father got sick and I moved back home. After dad died, I decided to buy a new place. Told mom to sell her big old house and move in with me. I bought a condominium, she has her own room, bathroom. She insists on paying the maintenance fee as her contribution. I appreciate that. I am however, watching her fail. She is forgetting quite a bit. She made dinner tonight, and I found the pans smoking on the stove. I think the kitchen will be off limits to her within a month or two.

I get reactions from people, oh you live with mommy. I say no, mom lives with me. She also makes that known to people who assume that she owns the condo. It's a pain what people think, but they'll eventually be in this type of situation.

My brothers are all married with kids, though all live within 20 minutes of us. I had my own home, when my father got sick and I moved back home. After dad died, I decided to buy a new place. Told mom to sell her big old house and move in with me. I bought a condominium, she has her own room, bathroom. She insists on paying the maintenance fee as her contribution. I appreciate that. I am however, watching her fail. She is forgetting quite a bit. She made dinner tonight, and I found the pans smoking on the stove. I think the kitchen will be off limits to her within a month or two.

I get reactions from people, oh you live with mommy. I say no, mom lives with me. She also makes that known to people who assume that she owns the condo. It's a pain what people think, but they'll eventually be in this type of situation.

You are a hero.

Caring for any one of your family members would be overwhelming for some.

Please make sure you take care of yourself, too.

...during bush senior's recession. I was single and just a little more than a year into my recovery from alcoholism. She had a house in Southwest Philadelphia in a neighborhood that was so dangerous that I slept with a gun on my night stand. When I got married and bought a house in the suburbs, I bought a duplex where she had the downstairs and my wife and I had the upstairs and she was safe.

I never particularly cared if anybody thought I was a loser. I've always felt that if you weren't f***ing me 3 times a week and paying all my bills you had no say in my life.

I can't speak for others, but if I say "living with mommy & daddy" I'm referring to those freepers who are in their basement "fighting against liberals" by playing Call of Duty or some other war game on their computer as they listen to rush, glenn & assorted other idiots while they're waiting for their French Toast and Chocolate Milk to be brought to them.

Also, please accept my best wishes for your family.

PEACE!

with my grandson and he fits the stereotype boy in the basement but he is not a freeper. Actually is quite an activist. I am the poor one and I am thankful to have him willing to let me live with him. Likewise I have lived with both of my daughters.

Many people your age -- and many younger just out of school -- are remaining

unmarried because of the economy -- AND LIVING AT HOME!!

Until I was about 10. My fathers father died when my dad was 18, and this was before Social Security. Instead of going to college, my dad got a job to support himself, his mother, and 3 years later he married my mom and she moved in.

My grandmother could be hard to live with, but I learned valuable lessons. When she passed away, my father inherited a home free and clear. My father had siblings but they knew the house was to go to my dad because he took care of his mother literally to and on the day she died.

Because my father inherited a home, we were able to do some things as children we might not have been able to do based on his small salary.

This home was given to my grandparents by my grandfathers mother, so it has been in my family since 1909!

The thing is my mom is the only one left there now, I lived with her until I got married at 27. I don't know what to do when she passes. It's become like a family heirloom and I don't want her or it to go!

my father hasnt been in my life since i was 10 , so hes not a factor (nor really anyone in his side of the family)..but

..my mother has had multiple back surgeries, none of which have seemed to help (tho she got some neato rods in the process) and my 80 year old grandmother lives by herself but can barely walk let alone take care of herself..
i run double duty doing their daily activities for them with some college courses in between...

i may not have a lot for myself, but at least i know im doing the 'right' thing.

my grandmother has actually been paying attention to the television lately and ive been trying to calm her nerves over SS and medicare .. if her check doesnt come, thats half of her income (i feel bad for those who have it as an only source at her age) for the month. that means half of her bills unpayed.
i try to assure her that scenerio doesnt benefit anyone, and that im sure a solution will happen before it comes to that...

The only thing that makes it different is you aren't married with teenage children.

You are taking responsibility. A truly noble and all too rare trait.