Democratic Underground Latest Greatest Lobby Journals Search Options Help Login
Google

Davenport, Iowa Descends Into Hell Following Gay Marriage Ceremony

Printer-friendly format Printer-friendly format
Printer-friendly format Email this thread to a friend
Printer-friendly format Bookmark this thread
This topic is archived.
Home » Discuss » General Discussion Donate to DU
 
krispos42 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-13-11 09:11 PM
Original message
Davenport, Iowa Descends Into Hell Following Gay Marriage Ceremony
Town Of Davenport, Iowa Descends Into Hell Following Gay Marriage Ceremony

March 12, 2011 | ISSUE 47•10


Davenport moments after allowing the couple to publicly affirm their love for each other.

FORMER DAVENPORT, IA—Immediately following the performance of a same-sex marriage ceremony Sunday afternoon at Holy Christ Almighty Lutheran Church on Lincoln Avenue, the city of Davenport, IA and all 99,685 of its residents were reportedly smitten into oblivion by the merciless wrath of God and flung into the deepest bowels of eternal hell.

According to state authorities, the nightmarish incident occurred approximately five seconds after a local pastor pronounced homosexual men Brian Palmer, 39, and Greg DeHaan, 43, married in the eyes of God, at which point a tremor registering 8.5 on the Richter scale ripped the earth asunder and Davenport's inhabitants were swallowed by a widening chasm, where they found themselves eviscerated on the fiery spears of 10 million shrieking demons.

"They tried to warn us and we didn't listen—Lord, why did we not listen?" said Rev. Kenneth Hanson, the clergyman who performed the unholy marriage, moments before being dragged into a bottomless pit, flayed alive, and devoured by Satan, the Great Deceiver. "All I wanted to do was provide basic civil rights and legal recognition to Brian and Greg, two people who love each other and have been together for 15 years. But I was wrong. Oh, so wrong!"

"Children of God throughout the nation!" Hanson cried out as he plummeted into the infernal void. "Do not make the same mistake we here in Iowa have made! Save yourselves before it is too late!"

<more>

http://www.theonion.com/articles/town-of-davenport-iowa-descends-into-hell-followin,19446/


:rofl:
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
Lifelong Protester Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-13-11 09:19 PM
Response to Original message
1. OMG!!! I haven't laughed this hard in DAYS!!
great piece! K & R
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Scuba Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-13-11 09:19 PM
Response to Original message
2. Or this headline from last summer...
Touchdown Jesus Hit by Lightning, Gay Pride Parade Unscathed.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
krispos42 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Mar-14-11 09:26 AM
Response to Reply #2
8. That's a good one indeed!
:rofl:
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Critters2 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-13-11 09:21 PM
Response to Original message
3. The irony is tha I've driven to Davenport three times to perform g/l weddings,
because they aren't yet recognized in Illinois.

As far as I know, Davenport is still there. :)
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
krispos42 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-13-11 09:27 PM
Response to Reply #3
4. Next time you go visit...
... pack some nomex undies and a parachute!
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
progressoid Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-13-11 10:34 PM
Response to Original message
5. The sad thing is that there are people that think this will happen.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
krispos42 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Mar-14-11 12:12 AM
Response to Reply #5
6. Not just think... hope.
Feverishly hope.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
DearAbby Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Mar-14-11 12:20 AM
Response to Original message
7. CALIPHATE!!!
ah....sorry wrong fear meme.


"OH THE HUMANITY!" there, that's better.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
DU AdBot (1000+ posts) Click to send private message to this author Click to view 
this author's profile Click to add 
this author to your buddy list Click to add 
this author to your Ignore list Sun May 05th 2024, 08:19 AM
Response to Original message
Advertisements [?]
 Top

Home » Discuss » General Discussion Donate to DU

Powered by DCForum+ Version 1.1 Copyright 1997-2002 DCScripts.com
Software has been extensively modified by the DU administrators


Important Notices: By participating on this discussion board, visitors agree to abide by the rules outlined on our Rules page. Messages posted on the Democratic Underground Discussion Forums are the opinions of the individuals who post them, and do not necessarily represent the opinions of Democratic Underground, LLC.

Home  |  Discussion Forums  |  Journals |  Store  |  Donate

About DU  |  Contact Us  |  Privacy Policy

Got a message for Democratic Underground? Click here to send us a message.

© 2001 - 2011 Democratic Underground, LLC