I Think My Mall Santa was Bannon on the Lam, & Other Ho-Ho-Horrible News

The weather outside is frightful. And SO IS THE FUCKING NEWS! You thought you were getting carols? We're fresh outta carols. What we have is MADNESS, and we've got it oozing from every orifice. Sing about THAT.

(As usual, check out the post on my site...there're links and all kinds of fun shit. http://showercapblog.com/think-mall-santa-bannon-lam-ho-ho-horrible-news/)

How are you celebrating the holiday season, Resisters? The Dickens villains ruining our country are marking the season of love and brotherhood by sprinkling a little fresh fear and hatred on immigration detention policy!

Yes, Stephen Miller strapped on his red Grand Wizard's robes, climbed down the chimney in ICE headquarters and said, "HO, HO, HO! LET'S SEPARATE CHILDREN FROM THEIR FAMILIES IF WE CATCH THEM AT THE BORDER!"

"Now that I have your attention, gentleman," continued Miller, who at this point was observed to be wearing not a fake Santa beard, but rather a beard-like coating of rage spittle coating the lower half of his face, "I'd like to share my plan to KILL THE BATMAN."

Getting back to the demonic inhumanity of Drumpf's immigration team, have you met Office of Refugee Resettlement Director Scott Lloyd? This power-mad theocrat told an undocumented teenager in federal custody that just because she was raped that didn't mean she could get the abortion she had the legal right to, because White Daddy Knows Best and if you wanted control of your own body, you shouldn't have come to Land of the Free.

Fortunately, Lloyd was thwarted in his quest to make his own little corner of the world just a weeeeee bit more fascist, but Jesus Fuck, we need to get these creeps out of office.

'Memeber when Nikki Haley threatened literally the entire world? "If you vote against us on this Jerusalem thing...oooooooooooo you'll be sorry!" bellowed the Ambassador, and the world responded with one voice...or perhaps more accurately, with one middle finger, "Nah."

Well, Nikki's vengeance was swift and merciless! She threw a Friendship Party for herself and the seven countries swayed by her fearsome tirade! Anyway, Nauru got hammered and kept trying to maneuver Honduras under the mistletoe, and Togo threw up in the nog bowl, so it really wasn't much of a party.

Dr. Seuss's new book, Former Judge Moore, Will You Please Go Now! hit the stands this week, but PedoRoy continues to lurk, refusing to concede and helpfully offering to sign yearbooks for any child who wanders too close to his unmarked van.

Anyway, as he's being dragged offstage, hopefully for good this time, Alabama's Most Famous Child Molester is throwing one last tantrum, about Muslims and African-Americans being allowed to vote because of those foolheaded post-Bill o' Rights amendments, and also that Doug Jones has a gay son. Just droppin' a little hatred on the way out, like a drunk who shits on the floor of the bar when the bouncer tells him it's time to go home.

In the aftermath of Moore's defenestration, the rube-exploiting fiends over at Breitbart were all, "Yeah, we believed Roy's accusers, but we smeared them as liars anyway, because if we start holding politicians responsible for sexual assault, our Melting Sherbet God Emperor will get in trouble," which is so cynically evil it'd make a unicorn pony cry

Tom Hanks said he wouldn't screen his new movie for the Sunny D-Bag, because off all the racist/fascist douchebaggery, and also Hanks imagines Trump smells like hair tonic and failure. You sort of expect the Ghost of Jimmy Stewart to show up at Marm-a-Lago to give the President a wedgie while he putts.

Former CongressDolt/Current Ambassador to the Netherlands Pete Hoekstra got himself so thoroughly owned by a Dutch journalist that he's working as the dude's butler now.

Your new hero is reporter Wouter Zwart, who was all, "Hey asshole. Why'd you say that one super racist thing you said?" And Petey was all "That is FAKE NEWS and you should feel bad," and then Wouter went, "Here's video of you saying the thing you just said you never said, ARE THOSE APPLES TO YOUR SATISFACTION?" And Pete-O said "I actually never lied about lying this particular lie," because he doesn't understand what cameras do, I guess.

Cornered and humiliated, Hoekstra finally waved his hand across the reporter's face, feebly suggested that These Are Not the Droids You're Looking For, and scampered away, weeping.

Vanity Fair? MORE LIKE BANNITY FAIR, RIGHT?

Yes, that Pockmarked Prince of Put-on Populism, America's Gin-Sweating Sweetheart himself, Steve Bannon, gave a little interview. He's curiously cocky for a guy who just lost the Republican Party a Senate seat an Ala-frickin'-Bama, which is super-cute. He's like one of those baby demogorgans in Stranger Things 2, screeching at you from a corner...only drunker.

Bannon vomits up some bile in Jared and Ivanka's direction, and even says a few mean things about Boss Shart himself. There's even speculation that he'll run for President himself, presumably on a Livers Are For Cucks platform.

Jar-Jar's in a spot of trouble himself, with prosecutors poking around in his Deutsche Bank records. Hope they don't find those boudoir shots of Eric in your safety deposit box, Jared!

Mitch McConnell had himself a haughty, guttural, laugh at Darth Wino's expense. "That Steve Bannon, he lost in Alabama, he sure is a political fool," Yertle croaked, while gazing lovingly at the historically unpopular tax bill he just passed, the one that's about to destroy his party's congressional majorities. Glass houses, Turtle Boy.

Six inauguration protesters were acquitted of all charges, YAY!

The government was trying to convict them on the grounds that anyone and everyone who attends a protest where property is damaged is legally responsible for that damage, a genuinely horrifying assault on speech rights. NOT YAY!

The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg, Beauregard, took a big stack of DoJ regulations designed to protect marginalized Americans, pissed on them with his tiny, misshapen elf dick, and laughed at having achieved another victory for his people, the White and Mediocre.

Ol' Beau was particularly giddy to be rid of the post-Ferguson guidance that low-income Americans shouldn't be burdened with crushing and illegal court fees, a practice which has targeted African-American communities. "Well shucks, y'all. If the American legal system isn't gonna keep minorities trapped in a cycle of poverty and imprisonment, why even bother havin' laws atawwwwwl?" Jefferson pondered, before injecting a mint julep directly into his eyeball.

Dutiful Oligarch Sycophant Mick Mulvaney seems to have taken the "Consumer Protection" out of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau. Since Scott Pruitt removed "Environmental Protection" from the EPA, Jeff Sessions put an asterisk next to the J in DoJ, and Betsy DeVos makes daily mockery of the "Education" in the Education Department, maybe Mick just gave in to peer pressure.

...or maybe he's just an asshole. That's prolly it.

Y'know, some folks claim the President is a raving egomaniac. But I ask you, friends, would a raving egomaniac replace the nation's motto, E pluribus unum, with the shitty made-in-China ballcap slogan he's personally trademarked, on the Presidential challenge coin?

...oh yeah. That's exactly what a raving egomaniac would do. Well, at least Donnie Two-Scoops' coin is precisely as classy as the man himself.

Corey Lewandowski, having surveyed the rapidly shifting sexual harassment landscape, seems to concluded "What women want most is for Corey Lewandowski to slap their ass, but they're probably just too shy and intimidated by my grandeur to ask. Thus shall I slap asses...unbidden!"

Somehow, SHARTUS is still consulting this Neanderthal goon for political advice, as he gazes in terror towards the coming midterm blowout that will replace his craven enablers with shitkicking Democrats. (With subpoena powers!)

The Failing New York Times gave us a behind-the-scenes peek at just how much Tangerine Idi Amin loathes non-white people (SPOILERZ: It's a whole fuckin' lot) and how angry it makes him that they are allowed to exist, in America, despite their appalling lack of whiteness.

He's also quoted saying some super-racist shit. Like, shockingly racist even after a whole fucking year of this cheap Ku Klux Klown shitting directly into our brains. So yeah, that's pretty fucking racist. And of course, Sarah Sanders denies he said anything of the kind. I imagine that denial will hurt Drumpf with his base.

Speaking of white supremacist dirtbags, I see KKKris KKKobach got cucked by a judge who says he has to share documents from his Kooky Kulling Kommission with...the Democrat that serves on it! That's right, KKKris wanted the appearance of a bipartisan commission, but without actually letting the Democrat participate, or even read about whatever fuckery the rest of them were perpetrating. Still, I'm sure their intentions are pure.

Government Cheese Goebbels celebrated his long holiday weekend by attacking the credibility of the FBI and some of its most respected senior officials. That this comes days after retiring Deputy Director McCabe testified to the House Intelligence Committee that he can corroborate the shit out of Jazzy Jim Comey's claims that Shartboy wanted a loyalty oath, is, I'm sure, the zaniest of coincidences. It's a freakin' Owen Wilson flick in here.

Hey, it's been awhile since we've heard from Bill at the Abject Horror Desk! Bill, you probably don't have anything for us this week, the country's so overwhelmed with holiday cheer!

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: That's frighteningly naive, Cap!

Hah! Yes it is. Well, lay it on us, Bill.

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Cap, it seems a couple of concerned parents had to stage an intervention for their daughter...when it turned out she was dating a Neo-Nazi.

Oh hell, that IS awful. Only in -

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: I'm not finished. The Nazi kid didn't like having his relationship broken up, so he shot both the parents to death.

I...holy FUCK, bill, that...that's....

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Hey, I asked to take this week off.

I see Santa sent Secretary Mnuchin a great big box of actual horseshit! This is newsworthy only in that it's surprising that this sort of thing hasn't happened more. Any time any animal takes a shit anywhere in America, that turd should be immediately boxed and mailed to one of the creeps in the Cabinet.

There should be a subscription box service to ship every American litter box directly to the Oval Office three times a week. Somebody get on that. That's what I want for Xmas.

Anyway, Smallhands Magoo has retreated to his chintzy golf course, perhaps giving himself an Xmas bonus in the form of raising the golf cart rental fees on the Secret Service, and congratulated his oligarch buddies on how much richer he'd just made them.

Hey, if you happen to be one of the rubes who still believes this crotch fungus cares about working people, I'd really like to discuss some real estate opportunities with you. Hit me up in the comments.

And with that, I leave you to your holidays, my friends. Next year, let's all chip in and get ourselves an early present: a brand-spankin'-new Congress! VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!