Last edited Mon Jan 15, 2018, 05:03 PM - Edit history (1)

And it wasn’t sexual assault

...expressed he doesn't want her to feel like she's going where she doesn't want to go

I mean, he asked and she did it. So, yuck. She should have said no and left. He wasn't aggressive. He had no power over her career. Sure, he's older and has star power......but at some point, no and then leave.

Where do you go from there?

She clearly should've left after she went to the bathroom for 5 minutes to collect herself.

I’m not sure if he gave her oral twice as well.

That's what I think. Everyone's not playing by the same rules.

My rule: Only enthusiastic consent is consent. Everything else is NO!

I remember years ago during a Chapel Show episode he did a skit about a sex contract. It was supposed to be comedy, but now that seems what we need.

If your partner takes the initiative in some activity, that's enthusiastic consent.
If you ask, "Could I...?" and the answer is "Sure," "Of course," "Oh, yes!" or some other obvious eager answer, that's enthusiastic consent.
If you ask, "Do you want to...?" and the answer is one of the above or if your partner smiles and immediately starts to... then that's enthusiastic consent.

On the other hand,

"I suppose so" is not enthusiastic consent.
"I'm not sure I want to" is not enthusiastic consent.
"I'm uncomfortable with that" is not enthusiastic consent.
"Oh, go ahead..." after you've whiningly kept on and on about it is not enthusiastic consent.

The above answers are "No." Don't do that.

It's not difficult to detect enthusiasm in a sexual situation. It's also not difficult to detect concern, discomfort, unwillingness or finally giving in. All that is required is sincere concern for the wishes and feelings of the person you're with. Why would anyone want to make a partner uncomfortable or do something a partner doesn't really want to do?

What if the answer is: "yeah, sure"? There are several ways to say, "yeah, sure".

If you actually know the person, it's even easier. If you've been married to her for 25 years, you understand her mood from the first word she speaks.

If you don't care, though, yes it can be difficult.

There are people who've been married to each other for 25 years, and they still may not know each other. You can be a caring person, and you may still not know that person. You're basing a lot of your argument on your own personal experience. In reality, people are far more complicated than what you're willing to admit.

that he is consent oriented (this was five years ago) and so we would never have sex UNLESS I asked for it. I never accused him of sexual assault because I was in charge and it was only there if I asked for it. Pretty darn simple, if a girl asks for it, she probably wants it and it is, hopefully, enthusiastic.

I was trying to say that if a person is wondering what enthusiastic consent is, it does not get much more so than that. And he has no worries that I will accuse him of anything. Do you disagree with anything I wrote in this post?

And I guess that is the epitome of enthusiastic consent.

Thanks for clarifying.

but I would have a problem with it in my own relationship. Part of sexuality and arousal in my experience is feeling that your partner is also excited and aroused, which means that sometimes I want them to initiate sexual contact because... that in itself is a turn on.

always explained what I thought consent was and that I wouldn't proceed without it. Most other people liked that idea just fine, and it made for a more relaxing relationship at any stage.

That makes things even hotter and sexier.

private. We can't even get rape convictions. Let's not even go there. Asking for sex is not and should not be against the law in a private setting. Various states have laws for touching etc...although I see few convictions anywhere. Asking for sex at the workplace is different...that should be covered by civil law. Forcing yourself on someone is rape and should be prosecuted criminally...no one will ever agree on what is permissible in one's private life, and I wouldn't want to see any hard and fast 'rules' for sexual conduct (not talking about rape) except at the work place.

I have had guys ask me to have sex with them in bars during my misspent youth in graphic terms. Told them to get lost. Every person has to decide the rules for themselves. I would not want any rules or laws in place regarding private sexual behavior.

My point is that men need to respect the rules women make for themselves. Seems simple enough to me.

the victim of a violent assault but I know there plenty of decent men out there. I married one...But the ground rules work both ways...I saw the first Franken accuser just grabbing the other musicians butt...and I am a woman. I would never walk up to a guy and just grab his butt. Most of it is the golden rule.

Not everyone gets that, and not everyone understands that. More's the pity.

taught my brothers to respect women. She was respected by my father and loved. I remember seeing my brother stand staring at the phone for more than an hour trying to get up enough nerve to call a girl he was interested in. I have never seen him act like a jerk where women were concerned even when we were young and kind of stupid.

What people are saying is that you need to get an affirmative yes, especially with somebody you don't know, to make sure you don't put yourself in this situation where one party can feel violated and the other not realizing that they made the first party feel violated.

But no hard and fast rules? Hogwash. It should absolutely be illegal to grope people against their consent.

Last edited Mon Jan 15, 2018, 09:37 PM - Edit history (1)

dating. Sometimes just dating is hazardous. He met this girl who seemed nice. Well right in the middle of a date...( a couple of weeks after he met her). She called the police from his car and said he kidnapped her and started screaming, 'let me out of this car'. He stopped immediately. She jumped out and ran into the woods. He called the police and said he didn't know what was going on and told his side. The police arrived. The handcuffed him and threw him into the car and went looking for the woman...she was acting crazy. The cop came back and let my brother go and took her in for observation. Had she been acting normally, he would be sitting in jail today, I expect. He lives in Georgia. And a person can say they gave permission and then take it back after the fact.

before having sex with them. Or so it seems to me, anyhow.

point. I don't think he has had a date since.

However, had I been the guy in that situation, I'd have stopped it very early on. Too confusing and too many conflicting signals, really. I might have said something about "This is too soon. Let's just cool it."

I am single. If a woman is crawling over me naked, kissing my body and she is not married and don't work for me or with me, then I will conclude that maybe she wants sex, but I would still verbally ask her. Otherwise, I assume that she has no interest and move on.

Aziz sounds like he did nothing wrong.

Probably used to getting sex on a first date, probably should have slowed down

From what I can see, she is responsible for her own behavior and should have said no and then left.

Here's Atlantic Monthly article that agrees with me:
https://www.theatlantic.com/entertainment/archive/2018/01/the-humiliation-of-aziz-ansari/550541/

ETA, I see I'm not first

Go figure.

I like Al, too.

I don't know. I volunteer at a food pantry and the more radical (it used to be me that was radical) young woman in charge of the pantry (I'm in my 50's) was horrified by Franken (she corrected me, saying, you mean the 'sexual assault'). I was like, well, um.....which she probably assumed meant defeat.

IMO, it just meant she was young and thought she knew all the answers (as I once did).

It's going to take a while for us all to get this right........and I'm sorry for those that get swept up in the reactionary responses.

It's unfair.

thanks for posting.

It's a weird article. Not sure what to make of it.

is a jerk. and i think his career as a "good guy" should be over.

i dont think it's criminal, but is sure is asshole.

And on the first date, no less.

and I sure as heck will not be hypocritical! And I am grateful for all the people in the world who USE condoms. Nice! Better than spreading diseases or an accidental pregnancy.

If a woman seems eager for what used to be called "casual sex" (which is what this encounter basically came down to), any criticism of her is to be angrily dismissed as "slut-shaming." However, if any man seems eager for casual sex, it automatically becomes sexual assault.

which, honestly, really i dont get about guys in such a hurry. that first time was always the best, imho. that hanging there, and trying to figure out how far to go. i always found it kinda romantic.

but that shit? jerk.

mine is directly under Mineral Man's and NOT yours. *HE* said on a first date no less. It sounded very judgmental. Not sure why you thought it was directed at you. That being said, let's go there....was it jumping the gun to do it on a first kiss? Sure but I would rather know someone who is not only willing but eager to use a condom. Would it turn off a lot of females I know? Yes. For my part, I would feel it was presumptuous. But with the number of men I have met, lately, who refuse to use condoms, I would appreciate it at the same time - even if I ended up not having sex with the guy. (no condom equals no sex for me)

I think, personally, sex is not the best the first time. After you have the talk about what you each like and where the other person's erogenous zones are, you have to remember all that stuff and incorporate it into the sexual act itself. By the sixth or seventh time you are getting the swing of the other person and your memory has kicked in so you are not going over the list time and again in your mind. You can sit back and enjoy it. Then the fireworks really start.

jaded by a 30 year marriage.
single now, and workin it, but....

sorry for the confusion.

with the whole single thing.

esp as my farm was never meant to be a project for one.

but.....

Any prospects at all?

wish du had a singles forum. i know there were a couple great relationships that started in the lounge back in the day before the trolls were everywhere.

one of these days i am gonna make good on my joke that imma sign up at farmersonly. i suspect i will be run off quickly, but heh.

Thank you. I would have thought that was obvious, but I'm seeing almost nothing but attacks on the woman. Just reason number 1,000,0001 for why I think nothing is going to change. I'm not seeing much in the way of change in general attitudes.

Where the woman is also just looking for a hookup .

Plenty of women have the same behavior, wanting sex and looking for a condom quickly after getting back to someone’s place.

This is a case of different expectations. She wanted to be wined (red not white) and dined and wooed, and he wanted dinner and a hookup.

...and the guy may be wanting something more serious?

Generally speaking a man is able to rape a woman if she resists whereas a woman more often is not able to do the same to a man.

It sounds a bit like he is just a clueless, selfish man with no consideration for his partner’s comfort or pleasure (which, I have to say is nearly all heterosexual men), bordering on assault.

The thing is, this not at all unusual for women. Men are not taught that women’s desires or pleasure actually matter. And it fucking pisses me off that women are socialized not to speak up and get what they want. And that society (and men) judge them when they do.

Too many men are entitled, selfish, fucking assholes, who think they have they right (and even the need) to get off while treating their partners as just so many receptacles.

They really need to offer courses to men in how not to be assholes.

I would dispute that.

The truth is you all really need to get a clue.

....who aren’t even in the dating pool because they are considered “too passive”.

To say that "nearly all heterosexual men" behave this way is preposterous.

Obviously some/many do but by no means "nearly all".

I think it is incumbent upon men to examine themselves. Stop feeling fucking entitled to women’s bodies.

Prejudice is prejudice, no matter from which side.

It sounds as though you have had some bad experiences.

confusing messages.

It is Ansari’s. You know why women aren’t more forceful? It’s because they get killed or beat up when they are, entirely too often.

She met him at a party that she attended with a date. She pursued him. She was excited to have a date with a celebrity and consulted with her friends about what outfit she should wear. Did she have a fantasy that they he would be a romantic gentleman and have a perfect date? Probably

So he was a cad, she said "You guys are all the same" and finally left disappointed that she wasn't going to be the girlfriend of a celebrity. She texted him about her disappointment and he apologized.

My advice to her is to not go to a guys apartment on the first date, maybe not even the second. If she wants the pace to be slower, she needs to let him know IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS.

My advice to him is to date more and watch porn less. Women don't get turned on like a light switch. As much as you may want to, don't even try to have sex on the first date UNLESS SHE INITIATES IT and accept that she might change her mind. And quit sticking your fingers down her throat.

Especially the part about the fingers down the throat. Ewww. Who does that?

I'm just guessing it may be kind of a fetish or psuedo fellatio. I had a boyfriend who had a thing for sucking my toes. Unfortunately, my toes are not an errogenous zone for me, so it was just boring.

I have been with people who have this kind of a fetish or fixation. It is not uncommon in BDSM circles, and if it is someone's kink, they need to discuss it with their sex partners and get consent for it.

In my boyfriend's case, I hope he found someone who enjoyed having their toes sucked. It just wasn't my thing and when he'd try to kiss me after having my foot in his mouth it was a big turn off.

But it was something she could have done with any average guy and he mostly just wanted the sex.

She was excited and told her friends and looked foward to something more special.

She probably had something more in mind than watching seinfeld with some guy that comes off more like an 18 year old than a grown man who could afford and offer more.

That's why the comments about the wine. When you are already upset with something you can find other things in the situation to be resentful about.

A like Aziz’s comedy - but I you won’t see me defend this. There are several reasons. First is that she knocked his hand away from her crotch multiple times. Whether a woman says no verbally or not you can’t miss that ‘signal’ it means stop it. It means no. One time , two times , three times or five.

Dudes are always saying how they rely on a girl’s signals but that’s just a cheap excuse. If you think you are ‘reading’ her right then there should be no issue asking directly if this is going where you think it’s going. In this case he repeatedly said ‘ where do you want me to fuck you’ and she said maybe next time. He kept pushing and she eventually said that she’d rather not hate him. He stopped momentarily and started up again with some more aggressive play and he said something shitty like ‘ doesn’t look like you hate me’ he got those explicit verbal cues and thought he’d just try again in minutes...

Also the defense that awkward oral sex has occured doesn’t mean he was free to do whatever. That smacks of the worst kind of entitlement. Foreplay doesn’t always lead to the more physical intercourse and either can feel like it’s gone far enough and want it to end.

Let us also not neglect why a woman in this spot might shut down and be less than forceful with her verball commands etc. It’s entirely possible she fears a violent outburst if she gets aggressive. She’s alone with a man in his apartment and he’s already shown aggressive behavior continuing to go for her privates and shove fingers down her throat. Is it unreasonable for her to worry he might just go that extra step and hit her or worse if she makes more of an effort? Not unreadable to me , and that’s not even taking into account this particular man’s money and power.

Finally, I’ll say this. Defenders of guys in these stories or attackers of women often seem to think it’s so easy go from consent to assault because they allow precieved consent to stand in for the real thing. There is no such thing as implied sexual consent.

Period. What is actually easy is asking straight out for consent before doing something wrong. People seem to think sometimes that this is lame or will ‘ kill the moment’ but put yourself in the other persons shoes, wouldn’t you rather kill the moment by being decent than traumatize someone?

And no , Im not saying what he did was assult.


Though his apparent playbook is absolutely indicative of the problem in people who end up committing assult. It’s a very clear example of many of the factors in what we would call ‘rape culture’ and the apparent acceptance of it or dismissal of the woman in the case show just how prevalent the thinking is in discussions around sexual conduct and that’s a big factor in how it gets entrenched and ignored in society for so long.

It made me sad to read the details and her experience of the events. The behavior was strange and off-putting. I have been with people who had a similar fetishizing of fingers in the mouth, and it's something that you really have to clear with people beforehand.

After I read it, I wish that I had not. It didn't describe criminal behavior or abuse of power so much as a terrible first date and sex on a first date.

These are quotes from the article in which the claims were relayed:

“It was white (wine)”... “I didn’t get to choose and I prefer red, but it was white wine.”

...


“The move he kept doing was taking his two fingers in a V-shape and putting them in my mouth, in my throat to wet his fingers, because the moment he’d stick his fingers in my throat he’d go straight for my vagina and try to finger me.”

“He probably moved my hand to his dick five to seven times.” “He really kept doing it after I moved it away.”

“It was 30 minutes of me getting up and moving and him following and sticking his fingers down my throat again. It was really repetitive. It felt like a fucking game.”

“Most of my discomfort was expressed in me pulling away and mumbling. I know that my hand stopped moving at some points.” “I stopped moving my lips and turned cold.”

...

“He sat back and pointed to his penis and motioned for me to go down on him. And I did. I think I just felt really pressured. It was literally the most unexpected thing I thought would happen at that moment because I told him I was uncomfortable.”

...

“I didn’t leave because I think I was stunned and shocked."

"Masters of None," was about his character being in a reality show with a chef who had just gotten "outed" on the internet regarding sexual issues. One of the many things that's just weird was the show was released in May, 2017 (Netflix) BEFORE Harvey Weinstein and the others' that have been exposed. AND, there was an episode of his character and his friend (one of the main characters who's a woman) making a citizen's arrest regarding a man who was masturbating on the subway. I don't even have a point...I just think everything is so strange. I don't know what to think about this particular incident....

that episode thanks for the episode date info
freaky
Does the chef apologizes with a cinnamon roll recipe

To see people on DU support it is sickening.

A 23 year old "photographer" who parties in LA and NYC with celebrities, but whose career hasn't taken off? This girl has someone cutting some serious checks to maintain her in that lifestyle.

He is a small man with small hands and mouths are big, how did he get his fingers down her throat? The answer is he couldn't have. At most he put his fingers in her mouth and she used the term "shoved down my throat" repeatedly in her statement because of the emotional impact of the term, as anatomically impossible as it sounds. Try sticking one finger down your throat, notice the girl doesn't describe any type of retching, and switched between accusations of shoving down her throat and putting fingers in her mouth as if they were interchangeable and equivalent.

Then we come to the non-verbal cue canard. If someone pulls out their penis and points at it and you proceed to give them oral sex, that is a powerful non-verbal cue. In fact walking over to the couch where they are sitting an proceeding to give them oral sex is in no way non-consensual. They gave each other mutual oral sex and she didn't want to have sex with him after so she didn't and left.

He is brown she is white, you can't remove race from this discussion. This history of white women weaponizing accusations of sexual misconduct against brown men in our country is as old as our country and terrifying.

Like the poster mentioned Emmett Till and what happened in Rosewood Fl. Hell even currently with Ezekiel Elliot.

And of course the fictional classic To Kill a Mockingbird and the racist Birth of a Nation

We may just live in a complicated world where Bill Cosby can be a rapist and this girl is a horrible person who tried to lump an innocent man in with the likes of Harvey Weinstein and Bill Cosby because he just happens to be the most famous guy she has performed oral sex on.

I wouldn't expect anyone as obviously vacuous as this girl to understand the racial undertones of her actions, (especially since ensconced within the privileged NYC LA elite celebrity class) but it doesn't change the fact that in our current Trump environment and historically these are the type of accusations that get brown guys killed. Violence against well to do men from the subcontinent has been especially high over the last year. She painted a target on his back.

Go back and look at your adjectives.

they first performed oral sex on each other?

She said she stopped, wanted to slow things down and went to the bathroom to collect herself.

That was when she should've left but she stayed and then performed oral sex on him again when he asked.

WTF?

She has to share responsibility.

Just wanted to say. The piece this woman wrote was such a weird thing to write, it's fair to wonder why she did. Also fair to speculate on whatever repercussions it might have.

She also didn’t sue him or say he shouldn’t have his job.

She did tell him after that his behavior was terrible and that she wanted him to know so he wouldn’t repeat it with the next girl.

She may have shared her story in a moment of anger and anguish after seeing Aziz lauded as a progressive who understands and respects women. It’s understandable that she would have her memories of what she holds to be the worst experience with a man flare up then.

She hasn’t called for violence of any sort reguarding Aziz. I think to compare this to lunching is in awful taste.

Last edited Tue Jan 16, 2018, 06:05 AM - Edit history (1)

all she needed to do was say he made unwanted sexual advances toward her. Men from the subcontinent are being gunned down in their driveways, murdered minding their own business in bars, and the list goes one, just for being brown this year.

Historically and in the current context this is a text book example of how to get a brown guy killed. Do you doubt that if he hasn't already started receiving death threats that they will be coming soon? Let's not pretend we don't live in Trump America.

You are probably right that Aziz will recieve a lot of hate mail and possibly death threats; in this climate that is true. But it can also be true that his conduct was totally fucked up. When you start rationalizing this keep your mouth shut attitude because to speak out carries consequences you aren’t helping either. You want to say that this is textbook racism because it involves a brown skinned man. No doubt some KKK dicks will see it that way too because they don’t frankly need an excuse. But to suggest that is inherent in the woman’s motive is unfair. For one I don’t know if the girl was actually white or what. She may have been , but she was also perfectly okay with the prospect of dating Aziz until things went wrong. It didn’t read to me like she had any racial animus twoard him whatsoever. She was profoundly hurt by his actions on the date.

So she stayed too long. I’ll agree with that - but if anything that was probably due to the fact there was still something she liked about him. It could be as some have said because he was rich and famous or more simple because he was somewhat charming or funny in conversation. So she wants it to work out and gave him more chances to show her he could take his foot off the gass and chill like he said. That doesn’t invalidate her or make his behavior okay.

People need to know when what they do is unacceptable. Running to the defense of men in these cases is what so many have done for years and now that it’s not happening there is some visceral response from all kinds of people who were raised in an era where this shit was ignored.

Last edited Tue Jan 16, 2018, 06:07 AM - Edit history (2)

When rich white girls go to parties in LA and wear native head dresses they don't know how terrible what they are doing is, and she clearly this rich white girl doesn't understand the context of what she has done either.

Put simple when you make accusations like hers in the public against a brown man you need to understand you are putting his life on the line. I don't think a bad date should rise to the level where you might get killed, I think it is wildly irresponsible. Had he raped her I would say fuck him, or even if he had physically moved her head onto/toward his penis, but he didn't do any of that.

The vast gulf between how DU (and the world) responded to this and the James Franco accusations tells the whole damn story. Ashly Judd made sure to give James Franco her benediction for what by all accounts is far more troubling behavior, considering there was a troubling teach student power dynamic in the consensual yet very disappointing relationships.

She may not be an actress, but when you are well known figure, especially one with a raising star and seemingly credible brand as a progressive liberal you know you hold the power. This is an inescapable fact. If you want to talk about no verbal cues a reputation like his is a HUGE one. Which is why I brought it up in reference to her staying so long even in an escalating uncomfortable position.

And again , this is something rich people know and exploit a lot. Not every guy is going to be nearly so aggressive but they can when they feel comfortable doing it. Kind of like when she asks him to wait till next time and thinks maybe he cooled off as they watched tv ; but then suddenly goes aggressive again thinking she’s somehow so ready for it now but actually hasn’t said anything of the sort. It’s badgering behavior that he thought he’d get away with.

She shouldn’t have to be silent for his sake now because racists will hate him. They hate him already to say that she should just get over it is unfair. Maybe now because this went public he will think about his actions going forward with the next date. Men who get away with bad behavior repeat it and often do esculate it. You can say that she should have kept it private - but that’s not going to help his next date like this story will.

If he’s truly progressive and supportive of women as his persona says that he will have a real chance to grow and improve now too.

You're basically saying that famous men can't engage in casual sex because their fame gives them unfair power over women, giving them no choice but to consent. Sorry, but that's bullshit.

He's an up-and-coming comic, nothing more. He wasn't her employer, and he didn't threaten to ruin her career in some roundabout way if she didn't put out. She's not even an actress.

Men and women, famous or not, engage in casual hookups all the time (tinder, grindr, etc). It has nothing to do with power play and everything to do with sexual beings wanting to get laid. That's what Azari clearly wanted. If she wanted something more she should have walked away.

Azari made it clear he wasn't looking for anything serious, and she consented to the sex acts she performed. He doesn't need to be shamed for anything.

But I would direct you back to my original reply in this thread on the issue of consent

She makes it clear that he is just like every other guy she has ever met so unless all those other men are rich celebrities then you should only consider the common denominators between "all men" namely them being men and her being her not the outlier which is that one of these men that were all the same was a celebrity.

Not to mention she make a comment about trying to give him non verbal cues by walking away from him. But when you look at what she wrote in graphic detail it show that he was the one moving about the apartment and she was following him. She followed him to the couch before she decided to perform oral sex and after she finished performing oral sex on him he got up and ask her to "come look at something" in the other room and she followed him there which is where he bent her over and she gave him the first nope of the night and then left.

Also I don't think it is a given that a rich brown man has more power in this instance than a rich young white woman. "Photographer" at 23 that can afford to live in Brooklyn and bounce between NYC and LA for parties. She is either an amazingly successful young woman and super rich in her own right, or her parents are from the top half of the one precent and to the degree that her living that large makes no fundamental difference.

That you are ignoring lots of non verbal cues on her part just as he seems to have done - the most obvious ‘ first nope of the night’ being knocking a hand away. Which she says she did multiple times, and which should be among the strongest nonverbal cues you can get to stop. It’s phyically denying an advance. The moment you get that you should know to quit going for it. It’s not just some playful challenge to try harder.

People don't apply the term brief to oral sex that was forced on them, that is how people describe oral sex that didn't go on long enough. If a girl don't want to be fingered, maybe she just doesn't like to be fingered, and if she is clearly down if getting oral sex and giving oral sex can you see how it might be seen as a big old bag of mixed messages.

If a girl comes to the couch you are on and then turns around and give you a blow job and then you go to your bedroom and say "Hey I want to show you something" and she once again follows you to the bedroom, that is a message.

People have an obligation to use their words if a misunderstanding due to not mind reading rises to the level of putting a mans life in danger. And honestly have you ever seen any of this guys work, first moment he opened his mouth I wondered if he was somewhere up there on the spectrum. When we accept that we live in a world with neurodiversity we have to understand that using non verbal cues and expecting people to pick them up is literally impossible for a statistically significant number of people. Use your words and don't try to get brown guys lynched because they aren't mind readers.

Of anything more. Probably my perception is skewed by my own experience but sometimes oral is as far as it goes and that’s okay. It’s a first date and she did explicitly say maybe next time to the question of ‘ Where do you want me to duck you? ’ it is also an unfortunate truth that sometimes a woman will preform oral sex or allow it to occur thinking that they will placate the man with something and try to stop it from going further which is ultimately what she did. Just because she preformed oral doesn’t mean she is less valid in feeling it was a messed up and unwanted experience from a man. This mentality where next time means maybe next time I reach for your privates, and not maybe next time we see each other is a major problem and it should be understood as one.