Shutdown! Things'll Be Great When You're Shutdown! (ShowerCap/Ferret)

Gotta admit, I'm kinda pissed, Resisters. I was supposed to go to a 9-dollar-per-plate Boston Market dinner last night, but noooooooooooo! A certain spray-tanned, sphincter-faced assclown had to shut down the government!

(You know the drill...links version available at: http://showercapblog.com/shutdown-thingsll-great-youre-shutdown/)

Maybe all of Washington is ineptly bumbling through an unnecessary, self-inflicted, crisis, but at least we can take comfort in knowing that Mick Mulvaney is enjoying himself! See, Mick found that he's the lucky boy who actually gets to shut down the government, and that's "kind of cool!"

"There's a big green button you get to push and all these gears grind to a halt as confetti falls from the ceiling and dancing girls come out of, like, NOWHERE, and you get a special cupcake and a paper hat and a gift certificate to Chuck E. Cheese's, and IT'S ALL FOR MULVANEY!"

But Boss Shart has a sad, cuz he has to stay in dumb ol' Washington for the whole weekend, without golfing ONCE, plus he had a big rich jagoff party down in Marm-a-Lago that he didn't get to go to, which is especially disappointing since there was a $100,000 rim job line awaiting his arrival.

Poor Shart-Shart. For what it's worth, I'm told the caviar presentation was an abomination.

Patrick Meehan became the latest Republican CongressPerv to rocket to national celebrity. Seems Meehan, who darkly/hilariously served on the House Ethics Committee, creeped on a younger staffer, and when she rejected him, chased her out of politics (and eventually the country), settling her harassment claim with a fat stack of taxpayer cash.

He seems nice. Maybe he can have a pajama party with Blake Farenthold. Or, you know, he could always try keeping his dick in his pants and go home to his WIFE.

As we evaluate Government Cheese Goebbel's first-year accomplishments, let's not neglect the "Trump Slump" bludgeoning our tourist industry. We're slipping to third on the most-visited list, behind Spain, because America is just so dang great nowadays.

Although you have to admit, Spain has seen great success with their "We Promise You Won't Be Murdered By a White Supremacist Terrorist Here Unlike Certain Countries We Could Name But Won't" campaign.

We learned some fun stuff about how Jared Kushner, who is perhaps the only person alive who doesn't understand how incompetent Jared Kushner is, gets manipulated by the Chinese, who can't believe such a under-informed, desperate-to-be-rescued-from-personal-financial-trouble, rube fell right into their laps.

And just about everything else is about Shutdownmania, running wild.

Chuck Schumer says working with the Shart of the Deal is "like negotiating with Jell-O," because he is jiggly and disappointing and by the time you're at the table you wish you'd ordered anything else.

Now, because Littlefinger and his toady, Mike Pence, insist on cynically wielding our men and women in uniform as political props, Senator Tammy Duckworth took to the floor of Senate to crush their balls into a fine powder. Holy shit. Not that I was planning on it, but remind me to never pick a fight with Senator Duckworth.

Anyway, the WHO WILL THINK OF THE TROOPS crocodile tears evaporate in a hurry when you see the video of Mitch McConnell slamming the door on a vote to pay the military during the shutdown.

Hey, if these pigs are willing to hold millions of children's health insurance hostage, what're a few soldiers' paychecks, more or less?

And Dorito Mussolini's contribution? A single photograph, of himself, purportedly hard at work...at an empty desk. These days, I guess speaking truth to power means, "Maybe we could use a notepad here, Mr. President?"

Well, AND a super-helpful campaign ad that says undocumented immigrants are waiting outside your house to murder you while Nancy Pelosi picks the lock on your front door.

But don't worry, Eric Trump, he of the infallible political instincts and eerily vacant stare, thinks the shutdown will be "good" for his shitty family, cuz hey, nobody'll ask them to pay back the billions worth of damage their tantrum inflicts on the American economy, right?

Lindsey Graham is frustrated that potential deals keep getting scuttled by Virgin Klan Runt Stephen Miller. Sources tell me Graham is working on an elaborate "honey trap" style plan to distract Miller during key negotiations, and that he's dispatched Bob Corker and Sherrod Brown on a mission to procure a sexy manikin, extend its forehead to unnatural lengths, and pose it suggestively outside Stephen's condo.

And somehow, Republicans look at their historically loathed President, their unpopular position on DACA, oh, and that little thing where Hundreds of Thousands of Americans Took to the Streets to Protest Their Bullshit, and concluded "Everyone is totally on our side!"

...there are lot of reasons to vote the GOP out this November, but "inability to process information competently" really ought to be near the top of the list.

But let's get back to those marches for a second, shall we? The Resistance might not get a whole day on the NYT opinion page, but we sure the fuck do SHOW UP, don't we? Even after an absolutely exhausting year, Women's March turnout matched or even exceeded the 2017 marches.

600,000 in Los Angeles. 300,000 in Chicago. Another 200,000 in New York. Coast to coast, large communities and small. Voters, one and all.

Meanwhile, the biggest pro-Trump march last year was in Charlottesville.

'Course, the real bad news for Team Shart? One office staying open during the shutdown? Bob Mueller's.

Didja see where the Koch brothers rewarded their Pet House Speaker, Paul Ryan, for trimming billions off their tax bill? Yeah, they gave him a little walking-around money. $500,000 worth. "You done good, kid," said Charley Koch, ruffling Ryan's hair affectionately, "Getcherself some ice cream."

And Missouri governor Eric Greitens says he ain't resignin', and just cuz he tied up his naked mistress and photographed her doesn't mean he was blackmailing her! He keeps that photo on his desk, right next to th'wife n' kids!

And now I see Devin "Pigfucker" Nunes refuses to show the FBI his famous memo. You know, the one that purports to be an objective summary of his findings regarding the FBI's various investigations? Despite his lengthy track record as an obsequious Trump stooge? Yeah, the FBI isn't allowed to see it. That's how you KNOW it's legit.

In related news, Nunes is using the shutdown to draft a bill legalizing porcine conjugal visits for federal inmates, I WONDER WHY.

Further trouble in Shartopia, as the Candycorn Skidmark has reportedly become all grumbly and surly with a pair of his cabinet secretaries. Seems Cowboy Ryan Zinke's gift of an exemption from the new offshore drilling rules to Rick Scott came as an unwelcome surprise, and now the Interior secretary has to sleep outside on the White House lawn with Jeff Sessions.

And Wilbur Ross is in the shithouse* too, probably because all of the naps he takes during meetings. Still, that'll a be a useful defense when Mueller comes knocking. "Sorry, I was asleep for the treason."

Anyway, Diamond and Silk will be in the cabinet soon.

That's all for the moment, folks. I'm furloughing myself.

*shithole?