More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today: It's Only Been A Year? Edition

Last edited Tue Jan 23, 2018, 01:34 PM - Edit history (1)

So..back on Saturday it marked one year since popular vote loser Donald Trump became president. It seems about ten times longer, but I guess that's what to be expected since we're living in a dystopian shithole now. I mean seriously, remember when Idiocracy was an outrageous parody featuring a pro wrestler as President? An "outrageous parody" President who's actually more Presidential than the president we now have in real life?!

But hey, at least we don't have a woman who something something emails, right? This is so much better...

(No. 31 in an occasional series)

Updates:

The latest rounds of mass shootings bring to mind...

* You support restrictions, criminal background checks, and mental health screening of immigrants and voters, but not gun buyers. (#12, July 2013)

* You insist that improving the mental health system, not gun control, is the solution to mass shootings. You oppose efforts to improve the mental health system because it costs money. (#15, April 2014)

* The mentally ill and domestic abusers should be allowed to have guns. (#19, July 2015)

Another perennial:
* You think John Conyers and Al Franken were degenerate perverts unfit for public office. You support Donald Trump, Joe Barton and Roy Moore. (Also going back to #12 in July 2013)

And just a reminder, from all the way back in February 2012:
* "Sexual harassment" is some made-up "crime" that happens when a studly Republican puts the moves on some frigid liberal lesbian, and she wants money. (#7)

I found one that just screamed to be updated:
* George W. Bush's 3 million popular vote victory in his 2004 re-election was a landslide that gave him a "mandate" to do whatever he wanted despite what the Democrats said. Donald Trump's 3 million popular vote loss in the 2016 election was also a landslide that gave him a "mandate" to do whatever he wanted despite what the Democrats said. (#11, April 2013)

So...the president of the "Family Values™" party payed off a porn actress a month before the 2016 election, to keep her quiet about cheating on Melania with her...

* A True Christian will forgive Donald Trump for cheating on all three of his wives, but not Bill Clinton for cheating on his one wife. Or her for being cheated on. (#23, July 2016)

All-New More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today:

* Gay marriage is worse than slavery.

* Important story: Harvey Weinstein's sexual predations. Not important news: Bill O'Reilly's sexual predations.

* You are justly offended by Harvey Weinstein's antics as a disgusting sexual predator. You voted for Donald "Pussy Grabber" Trump for President and still support him.

* Ed Gillespie and other Republicans lost races in 2017 because they weren't racist enough

* Thirty-something men dating middle school girls is Christlike behavior

* You're terrified about gays hypothetically molesting children, but not Republican Senatorial candidates who actually have.

* Rocket science isn't real science.

* You scream that Democrats are immoral degenerates while supporting sexual predators, religious hypocrites, greedy assholes, racists, warmongers, grifters, and child molesters for public office.

* The slavery era is when America was great

* You're tired of Northerners deriding the South as backward and racist; you supported the Senate candidacy of a slavery apologist and child molester who thinks he's above the law of the Constitution.

* You're tired of outsiders telling Alabama how they should vote--you want to vote the way a Virginia media figure, failed congressional candidates and disgraced sherriffs from Wisconsin, and a Congressman from Texas tell you to vote.

* Just because Donald Trump demanded Ronna Romney McDaniel stop using her maiden name, which highlights her connection to a former Republican Presidential nominee who hates him, doesn't mean Trump's paranoid, thin-skinned, and petty.

Almost word for word from Laura Clawson of Daily Kos:
* Constitutional amendments prohibiting slavery, guaranteeing equal protection under the law, and allowing people of color and women to vote cause "problems"

* A real democracy devoted to free and fair elections quickly destroys vote data that might show fraud or aid in accurate recounts

It would have been such poetic justice if Moore's demand for a recount was met with "We can't--we destroyed all the ballot images just like your party wanted."

Somewhat like one I've had before, but not quite:
* A Republican who wins an election should always vote with the party. A Democrat who wins an election should become a Republican

Paraphrased from Matthew Dessem on Slate.com:
* Stopping telecoms from cheating their customers is "bad for freedom"

From my brother Ogre, when he saw the linked story:
* Barack Obama was a head writer on Seinfeld.

* You're not mad that Donald Trump is a gigantic racist. You're mad that somebody let people know Donald Trump is a gigantic racist

* If the Republican-majority House and the Republican-majority Senate cannot pass a bill to be signed by the Republican President in time, the shutdown of the government will be the Democrats' fault.