I was shaking my head reading the OP. Like any of us are going to be able to relate to Larry Nassar and his ilk.

I once worked for a company that had a highly placed guy who was a convicted sex offender (child abuse of underage high school girls at the school where he taught).

He was a complete asshole outside of that.

I'm not at all thrilled with the question. As if there are only male predators in the world.

How would I know the answer to these ?s...I never, nor any of my male friends had 'feelings' like this.

They don't think like normal people, even those who happen to be the same gender.

While we're on the topic of things all people of the same gender can agree on, why do some women abuse children?

"how in the hell can you do that to another human being when you are in a position of trust? "

Don't need to be a man to answer in general terms. Power and purity. Most of it has to do with power. Many men are fearful of this aspect when it comes to more mature women. The fear of getting caught. More equal grounds with respect to maturity and knowledge. Etc. The power trip breaks down if the hunt is unsuccessful.

Purity is really messed up the way it is seen in men and women. A man takes home twenty women in a year from a bar and is a super stud. Find out a woman has lost her virginity and she is used. Gotta stroke those puny ego's.

I also don't think the men who don't do it are for reasons of impulse control. Some men simply don't have the impulse to start.

why is a girl/young woman that is a virgin so desirable to many men? Of course, maybe that's changed since I was in high school and college back in the 80s

and, I can also agree that some men don't have the impulse - I can note that a young woman is pretty, but also have no desire to jump into bed with her at the same time. (setting aside that I'm married and wouldn't do that...)

that men would have better insight into what would motivate a man like her uncle. As women,who do use different thought processes about lots of things, many of us are totally clueless and really "don't get" what would ever possess a parent or relative to abuse a child in their care.

I don't think it was meant as an insult.

I thought the same as you, but there's always a handful who want to be oppressed and offended by that which is neither oppressive nor offensive, and will infer anything in such a way as to validate the faux-oppression...

I read it as simply asking for additional male perspectives.

the topic is racism, sexism, homophobia, etc. Something about their defensiveness is very off-putting.

Lazy thinking doesn't bother me, but I fail to see a meaningful distinction between this sort of question and any other broad-brush along the lines of "Question for Muslims - why the terrorism?", etc..

Most mass shooters are men, too. Do men in general have any sort of special insight into mass shooter motivation?

Why is poisoning popular among women who kill their husbands? I wouldn't expect the "women of DU" to have any more insight into that one either.

But, no, not oppressed or offended here. Just a tad curious why one would think that men would be any better at speculating on motivations as opposed to anyone else.

But I'm sorry not to be insulted, enraged, offended or oppressed. It just strikes me as an odd question to ask men generally. If I wanted to know more about what motivates this kind of thing, I'd ask my wife since she is the one with the relevant background in psychology.

use poison to kill their husbands. Since we've been conditioned to be "nice" our whole lives it is often very difficult for women to become physically aggressive. Many women have a hard time with self defense classes because they are afraid of "hurting" the attacker. Hopefully that is changing among younger women, but I know it's true of my generation (I'm 68). In the same way I'm assuming the poster was deeply hurt and honestly doesn't understand how someone could do such a thing and is looking for someone to give her some understanding.

I did not assume she was suggesting all men are perverts. Guess she could have phrased it better? On the other hand, I always think that kind of hurt is so deep that as Forrest Gump said "sometimes there just aren't enough rocks."

I'm not oppressed or offended either

But it does seem like a thread titled "Question for women of DU: why do women embezzle from your employers?" (because statistically more women are apprehended for that crime than men) would get shut down in a heartbeat

It's creepy and makes DU look weird

trying to come to terms with something that happened to her, and is seeking help from anyone who might have insights.

This does not assume the men here know first hand, as the offended here are assuming. I think it assumes they might have known or come across the types of men who might do this, and those men might not have hidden their motivations as they do from women. And so men are more likely to have greater insight just from the likelihood that they have been in the proximity of men like this.

Sad that she's getting grief for seeking help with a difficult moment from her past.

some men when I was younger.

Our experiences must differ in that regard.

When I was a teenager, I became aware of inappropriate contact between a youth minister and girls in that church. I reported it and he was taken down. Creeped me the hell out at the time and still does.

That was my experience.

too impressive. Guys don’t very often do not want to believe it - in fact they get annoyed being asked to even consider it when it comes to women. I’d say the OP forgot that when she asked for feedback. And yeah, I know a guy who actually showed a few friends child open images (before he was arrested) their reactions? They thought it was “a joke” or “he couldn’t be turned on” because he was laughing... or maybe they were faked? Anything but the plain truth staring them in the face. The guy liked and shared toddler porn. Of course it happens.
And of course people who don’t have to think about it, refuse to. Sad but true.

..and he's as far from being an abuser as you can get....I believe the OP just thought that, as a male, you might have some insight.

Sexual attraction is strong sometimes, but levels of self-control vary.

This is probably a better question for psychology. Random males probably won't have any answers for you.

...maybe you should ask "all the female members of DU".

I certainly don't understand why men do this

as a male, you may have some kind of insight. I ask my very principled, kind and non-sexist husband the same kinds of
things on occasion.

my father was somewhat abusive. I grew up mostly in Texas.

There was an old white man living a few miles away (we lived in rural area) who used to be principal of the high school. There were many rumors about him making sexual overtures to high school girls.

My dad hated him and thought he was disgusting. So did everyone else that I knew. I believe all were aware of sexual predators, but it was not tolerated. He had been fired from school, but I am not sure it was related to sexual abuse.

I was taught to respect others. If I had committed a sexual advance on a child, I would have been beaten and disowned by my entire family. I, of course, am talking about as I entered mid to late teens and beyond.

.

It's a weird phenomenon. I think of myself as not being in my fifties, until I look in the mirror or try to do something.

But there are those who cannot make the break from their perception of themselves and their realities of their body.

Going that extra step of actually ogling, cruising or hitting on someone exceptionally young and abusing them seems to include the sense of power or control they want to have over someone else. It seems to be more of a power thing, with sex as the motivator. A contractor tried to hit on me, after a work task, when he was in his 50s and I was 24. We just went to the pub to grab a drink before I got on the train from NYC back home and he tried to use tricks to hit on me. It was very awkward. I eventually asked what was going on, and he said that he was attacked when he was a teen, then prosituted himself to make money. He blamed his parents for not wondering why he always had cash on hand. Even after that confession, he still tried to pressure me to go up to his hotel room, as someone senior in his company. I left, just missing the 8PM train and was stuck in the city until midnight--so I took in a movie.


It's just my two cents, but I guess it's just as good as anyone else's.

.

Some guys get off on having power over a "pure" women. It's an ugly trait strongly associated with certain religions. Such guys must be isolated from normal society. Life in prison is appropriate, especially for those who have violated positions of trust; doctors, religious leaders, teachers, etc..

I don't know how to fix these guys. Maybe they can't be fixed.

My own measure of the sexual attractiveness has always closely tracked my own age. I look at people younger than say, 45, and all my paternal instincts kick in; kids, nephews, nieces, and their friends; me spewing unsolicited advice as my most unwelcome advance. Think about your retirement accounts now!

I'm thinking of my grandpa after my grandmother had passed. She was the one true love of his life, but he was still a horn dog. The same Army Air Corp guy who'd married a Hollywood girl for the happily ever after. My bereaved grandpa probably could have hit upon star-struck or money-struck twenty year old women, he was a retired rocket engineer after all. (Can you get any more phallic than that?) With money in the bank. Yet all his girlfriends, from the retirement village on to the nursing homes, they were roughly his equal in age and accomplishment.

It's healthy to seek partnership. Sometimes a winter-spring relationship is a partnership, but that's rare.

Larry Nassar can go to hell.

40's...My Mother in law escaped out her bedroom window and sailed on the QE2 for America where my Father in law awaited her arrival. He sent her the ticket. She was 18 and he was 38. They had a long and happy marriage...he died at 72...she died of a broken heart in my opinion a few years later. They eloped because George's Dad was Church of England and her family were no drinking, no dancing and no card playing Methodists...also the age difference disturbed her parents. People's personal life is their business. And I am getting sick of all men are animals kind of posts.

do around women. Men tell other men different things than they tell women.

Not sure why everyone jumped to the idea that she's saying all men are capable of that behavior. It is true, though, that men are more likely to have heard more honest talk from other men who are capable of that behavior.

She is trying to come to terms with something very difficult from her past, and she is reaching out for help understanding it from others who might have different access to insights than she does.

Lighten up, Francis.

I understand your description, but if the OP was looking for input s/he could have asked all DUers, regardless of gender

It's just flat out weird

The answer is no. Hormones have nothing to do with it. Billions of men have exercised appropriate self control for their whole lives.

The rest is so far outside anything i have ever done or thought, i have no sound opinion.

would know?

You should really delete this offensive thread.

as good men must have also questioned what they have observed in life regarding this matter. This question was not meant as an insult to males but a sincere wish to understand the dynamics of this behavior

Do you think that men say different things to you than they do to women?

Have you ever heard a man say something about women to you that they wouldn't say in front of a woman?

Have you ever heard a man admit to doing things that they wouldn't admit to doing in front of a woman?

I am sure you have. Therefore you have some insights into a wider range of mens' behavior than most women do.

She is trying to get some help with something very difficult that happened to her. She is asking if anyone has gained insight that can help her, and it is not illogical to ask men for this, as they have more experience with the true behavior of other men.

Hope she gets help with an experience that has obviously been very difficult for her. I don't think dog jokes are going to do it.

A couple have called for the "offensive thread" to be deleted.

"I just can't understand how being male gives me any special insight into the behavior of anyone else".

Please...Men (like women) share a LOT of the same experiences, including a degree of privilege not afforded women..Asking a male about another male's behavior is really not on a par
with questions about dogs ...However "different" you may be from these male offenders, you are not of a different species.

No I'm not a veterinarian, this is just input from my dog

I don’t understand it either, but it seems to closely resemble white privilege, a huge cultural blind spot on the part of the oppressor.

Also, I don’t believe that reason and self-control are ever impossible to maintain.

They are no more representative of males than Sarah Huckabee Sanders is representative of the women here, so I can only speculate what drives them. I would assume they’re deviants, sociopaths and lack empathy.

Imagine a man posting a similar question asking all women to answer for the actions of a few women.

I have no idea.

Males are programmed by evolution to prefer young, healthy females. Historically, and prehistorically women were often mothers by age 15.

Males are also programmed by evolution to desire as many different mates as possible to diversify the gene pool and increase the chances of their own genes being propagated.

Enter civilization and rules, laws, and taboos. Many men are genetically not yet civilized. They have yet to be housebroken. Women, however, since they are historically and prehistorically responsible for nurturing the next generation, were forced by evolution to become civilized sooner than men. Propagation of the species depends on it.

A sociopath might decide to deliberately hurt someone, but an uncivilized man doesn't think that far. He responds to genetic imperatives. Evolution doesn't give a crap about civilization or laws or taboos. Evolution only cares about propagating the species by propelling men to seek young, healthy breeding stock. (And before you object to the term "breeding stock", a civilized person sees all people, men and women, as individual human beings of worth and dignity, whereas the forces of evolution only know humans as "breeding stock".)

I am single and don't have a mate. If I planned to produce a child, I would select a woman between 25 and 35 that has a mature outlook on life. Women that are older introduce health risks for the fetus, women younger mostly don't have the maturity, IMO. I absolutely would not touch any teenager with a 90 foot pole, for both practical and moral reasons.

The OP's question could only come from someone who believes in a divine creator, therefore, your answer comes off as evolutionary clap-trap, not to be understood or believed, and thusly dismissed.

women's march and sexual harassment allegations of just about everyone) is feeling guilty for stuff he has never even thought of doing... but apologizes to me daily for 'being a man'! I have to tell him all the time its not him or even men in general.....its society.

Not being some kind of creepy dude that abuses girls, boys, women or any other people for that matter

I'm sorry to hear about what happened to you. I don't know why people betray trust from a position of authority, but it seems to happen a lot. I don't think it's confined to just men, as the constant stream of female teachers having inappropriate relations with students and any look at the predator registry will tell you. Father figures are particularly infuriating, speaking as a father. I do wonder if all the surrogate parenting we have is a factor.

Why do people suck? I dunno, but they often do. I don't think it's as simple as trauma or illness or sin. Maybe we don't have as much connection to each other as we should, or would in a more tribal setting where we're forced to live with the people we interact with, though tribal people seem to be just as awful to each other.

I think the sex with teens thing is a result of that being when we form our sexual identities, our first experiences or at least interests are usually teenagers. I'm tempted to say how badly people are aging these days has something to do with it, but it seems like it's always been an issue, and some people just seem to be wired wrong.

I think it's fair to take men to task for the preponderance of sex crimes they commit, although it has to be said the vast majority of us don't, and don't tolerate it in others either. We don't seem to acknowledge the sex crimes, often paternity fraud and entrapment, committed by women though, and we should. Different drives, different crimes, same problem.

Sex is a powerful drive, and can do powerful damage. You aren't alone in having been harmed by it. It's difficult not to harm yourself further by allowing it to influence your relationships with others. It's on the perpetrator, try to leave it there. Healthy relationships are worth it.

why would DU guys know this?

A.K.A. "queerbait" in middle and high school. One of the reasons I quit high school.

The original post is not slander of all DU guys. I'll bet most have encountered some rotten apples, and they may have some fresh insights as to how those rotten apples think.

rape as the guy preferred beating women up. There is no understanding guys like that. And to imply that somehow all men have to answer for this and other bad apples is unfair. Also, I am concerned with equating bad behavior on dates or sexual harrassment in the workplace with sexual assault...rape. It muddies the water. Take it from one who has experienced sexual harassment (worked in science with guys who were resentful that a woman took a spot that a man should have), bad dates (once climbed out the bathroom window on a particularly bad date and called a cab) There is no comparison between the first two and sexual assault. And the worst part was, for years, I blamed myself. Some pretty risky behavior (hitchhiking) had placed me in danger. I had to understand that no matter what I did, no one deserves what happened to me. I am afraid the 'me too' movement will lead to less victims being believed. It muddies the water by equating bad behavior with assault.

your past.

Though you are taking a lot of grief in this thread, there are also some really insightful and interesting posts.

Sorry, but not all men take advantage of women.

It assumes that all men know the secrets of sexual psychopaths and what motivates them. If I actually knew the answer to that, i'd have to be either 1) a qualified psychiatrist; or 2) an actual sexual psychopath with rare insight.

I think that the OP's intentions are good, but the post is awkwardly phrased and comes off as somewhat accusatory.

Most people are not predators, but perhaps some predators wish to normalize their behavior when they are caught..

Best wishes in dealing with the abuse.

because they are less sexually experienced, so he doesn't have to worry about being compared to other men. A young woman is also less able to stand up for herself and more likely to succumb to his demands. It's been my experience that these men see women closer to their age as a threat to their masculinity. A confident man has no trouble with a confident woman his age.

For the actual abusers, it's about power, sometimes that manifests itself sexually via molesting kids, or rape, or sexual harassment, but other times in being emotionally or physically abusive (not that it has to be limited to just one form). I presume some probably have a natural proclivity for young children in the same way that some people like wearing socks while they have sex or any other kink. And like any other kink you don't have to act on it and if you can find a way to deal with it in a healthy fashion, you can avoid doing it for the most part. But our society is bad at dealing with emotions (particularly for men), and worse at dealing with sexual emotions. So guys who might be helped by going to therapy or talking about it with a partner or a friend don't.

We also for far too long had a mentality that guys have to be the pursuer and get women to "give it up". And if a guy isn't getting laid, he's not a man. So we have put guys in a position that to meet a sort of social expectation, some feel there's not much (or nothing at all) that is too far.

For those who cover it up, I think some of it is that we don't want to believe that the seemingly ordinary guy next door could do something like that. We envision sexual predators as scraggly unsuccessful guys, kind of like we think of rape as a scary guy jumping out of the bushes, rather than the guy next door who looks so normal. Part of that is because we want to distance ourselves because we don't want to admit that in varying capacities, we all have the ability to commit violence.

Sometimes for sexual harassers, we justify it as "oh he's just him" or "he's got power, I can't go report him". There can also be the bystander effect where the more known something is, the less likely any one individual is to help an individual. Somebody else will take care of it.

We also tend to not believe victims of sexual violence, particularly if it's somebody we have an attachment to. Look at Bill Cosby for example. It was hard for a lot of people (including me) to reconcile the public portrayal and what he did.

This isn't meant to blame the victims, but for very obvious reasons victims are unlikely to come forward. So people don't get the total picture and can more easily ignore individual issues as a mistake or the victim lying. It's kind of a self-reinforcing cycle, victims don't come forward because they fear about not being believed or being told they deserved it, so more people can continue to not believe that sexual violence (and other forms of abuse) is as common as it is because relatively few victims come forward.

Also part of the problem as you call it being blackmailed into silence, is that the victims need some semblance of being made whole, but don't want or can't deal with the public ramifications of coming forward, so they will settle for money in a private settlement. But that allows the businesses who end up paying those, to minimize to themselves what happened and to avoid ugly publicity. But if we eliminated those private settlements, fewer victims would come forward. It's kind of a catch 22.

It is possible for an underaged person to lie about their age, but that is rare. In a case where a person has been tricked into sexual contact with an underaged person, I would have some sympathy, but feel the adult should have been more cautious and aware, because the situation harms the minor, even when he or she thinks it does not.

An adult interacting sexually with a minor who they should reasonably know is a minor? Jail the adult. I have zero sympathy in such situations.

My guess would be that it's about power, not sex.

of them. Why the man was always the head of the household and what he said goes. It's really only in recent times that women have demanded equality but there are still plenty of residual crap going on. Taking advantage sexually is exerting that power that they feel is theirs over women. It's always about the power than the sex act. I know I've over simplified but it keeps it short.

If I ask you that because you are a woman, and because of that, I assume you would know the answer, the premise of my question is not valid.

Conversely, as a male, I would not necessarily know why some men do this.

I am male, but not an abuser, and therefore, can't provide an answer, because I am not inside their heads.

of both males and females and males can be abusers of both males and females. It is a power thing.

I can say that it is possible for me to imagine taking advantage, but that I never would - that was a decision I made when I was just a kid. Its as much a part of my identity as anything is. I was raised well, in a supportive family of good people (including my mom, my grandma, my great grandma, and 5 aunts - all strong and capable women). Whatever my hormones or over-active imagination might have said through the years, I absolutely would not harass, abuse or try to exercise power or anything of the sort over a girl or a woman; won't, couldn't.

If I had to answer the question of why some people can and do, I'd have to say its a matter of something missing in their minds. It might be role models, or some inner sense of self, or the decision (or the capacity to decide) to live as a good person.

#notallmen, but even we who say we'd never do anything like that can at some level "get" it, and even those of us inclined to stick up for the abused may be a little too slow out of the gate.

We are designed by evolution to compete for reproductive opportunity, and unfortunately that seems to drive us to compete against a woman's/lover's natural reluctance to mate with just any asshole. These same adaptations not only cause us to discount the resistance and opinions of women, but also to help ensure our own survival by not picking every possible fight with rival males.

We may have been broken to the bit of civilization, but we may never be truly domesticated. I am sorry for what you've had to survive, and really wish I could pretend complete detachment from the motives of such an abuser...but most men, IMO, have more things in common with him than we are comfortable discussing.

I can't speak for all the male members of DU, nor am I qualified to speak on behalf of sexual predators, but here's my response to your question:

In short, there is no one answer explaining why abusers commit abuse, so there is no single answer that can satisfy the question when asked by each victim.

Some abusers were abused themselves, some suffer a mental illness, some become corrupted by their position of (comparative) power, some fail to control their impulses, some act out of resentment or jealousy, some get off on "getting away with it," some simply want to hurt somebody, and so on. There are, at the end of the day, as many motivations as there are abusers.

That's not a satisfying response, I know, but each case truly is different. The only two constants, in fact, are these:

1. The abuser is entirely responsible for committing the abuse
2. The victim is not at all responsible for suffering the abuse

#2 is especially important, because some boneheaded observers will stupidly blame a victim who declines to report the abuse. These observers argue that the victim bears some responsibility if the abuser subsequently abuses other victims, but that is 100% bullshit (except in cases where the victim actually bears legal responsibility for another victim, such as a child or a disabled adult).

Otherwise, the victim's sole responsibility is to herself or to himself.

I'm sorry that you suffered this experience, and I commend you both for surviving it and for having the courage to discuss it.


I truly wish you the best of luck. I hope that you find answers that help you in your continued healing.