I polish both cheeks with lemon scented pledge daily.

Do you have hidden cameras placed in my house?

cause I sit on my ass too much for any dust to accumulate.

We are buttdust, we are golden
We are billion year old carbon
And we got to get ourselves back to the garden

King James Version
In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return.

I checked 5 versions of the bible and in none do the words "butt" or "but" appear. And its "unto" dust, you moron!

but toilet paper isn't always enough either, so try some wet wipes or a bidet.

I Tried The Indian Butt Hose For The First Time And It Is Definitely The Best Way To Poop
https://www.buzzfeed.com/ryanhatesthis/i-tried-the-indian-butt-hose-for-the-first-time-and-it-is-de?utm_term=.ixq63nVBz#.aiAAa71Q8

She has a wonderfully wicked sense of humor!