Transcript of Donald Trump's Voigt/Kampff Test, as administered by Robert Mueller

Donald Trump's Voigt/Kampff Test, as administered by Robert Mueller

WASHINGTON
JUNE, 2018
[knock on door]
Mueller: Come in. Sit down.
Donald: Care if I talk? I'm kind of nervous when I take tests.
Mueller: Uh, just please don't move.
Donald: Oh, sorry. I already had an IQ test this year. I’m a super-genius. I don't think I've ever had one of these-
Mueller: Reaction time is a factor in this, so please pay attention. Now, answer as quickly as you can.
Donald: Sure.
Mueller: 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Donald: That's not a very good mansion.
Mueller: What?
Donald: Where I live.
Mueller: Nice place?
Donald: No, it’s a dump. . . that part of the test?
Mueller: No, just warming you up, that's all.
Donald: Oh. It's not fancy or anything.
Mueller: You're in a desert, walking along in the sand when all of the sudden-
Donald: Is this the test now?
Mueller: Yes. You're in a desert walking along in the sand when all of the sudden you look. . .
Donald: What one?
Mueller: What?
Donald: What desert?
Mueller: It doesn't make any difference what desert, it's completely hypothetical.
Donald: But how come I'd be there?
Mueller: Maybe you're fed up, maybe you want to be by yourself, who knows? You look up and you see a Russian oligarch, he’s walking towards you-
Donald: Oligarch, what's that?
Mueller: Know what a Russian billionaire is?
Donald: Of course.
Mueller: Same thing.
Donald: I've never seen an oligarch -- But I understand what you mean.
Mueller: You reach out, and you take a bundle of cash, Donald
Donald: Do you make up these questions, Mr. Mueller, or do they write them down for you?
Mueller: The oligarch hands you a bundle of cash to launder, Donald, and asks you to change the GOP platform to favor Russia. America needs your help, Donald, but you're not helping.
Donald: What do you mean I'm not helping?
Mueller: I mean, you're not helping. Why is that Donald?
(Donald twitches and looks nervous)
Mueller: They're just questions, Donald. In answer to your query, they're written down for me. It's a test, designed to provoke an emotional response. -- Shall we continue? Describe in single words, only the good things that come in to your mind about... your daughter
Donald: My daughter?
Mueller: Yeah.
Donald: Let me tell you about my daughter...MAGA!!!
(end transcript)