ATTENTION ALL REPUBLICANS ON BOARD!

Despite all reports that the USSR Trump is unsinkable, the ship is going down!

This is NOT a drill! We repeat: THIS is NOT a DRILL!

Many of those who considered themselves first-class passengers (e.g. Flynn, Gates, Cohen, Pecker) have already boarded lifeboats, and are rowing away from our sinking hulk in a desperate attempt to save themselves.

The truth (aka “fake news”) is now flooding the lower decks and despite the heroic efforts of our faithful spokes-mouths, those waters are rising faster than can possibly be responded to.

Be advised that those passengers who have secured their political careers in the burser’s vault are hereby notified that those careers are now under water, and most of them cannot be saved.

We strongly urge all passengers of the Republican persuasion to don their lifejackets and proceed to the nearest lifeboat boarding station. Feel free to shove women and children aside as you scramble for seats. Given your usual behaviour, such conduct is already anticipated and expected.

Lyric sheets for ”Nearer My God to Thee” are available in the ship’s chapel for those who want to sing along, especially those who are busy re-arranging the deck chairs in some bizarre belief that what they are seeing and hearing is not what’s actually happening.

A final dinner will be served in The Congressional dining room on the mezzanine level. Due to current circumstances, preferred seating cannot be guaranteed.

FINAL ADVISORY: The thunderous sound you will hear just before you go under will NOT be a signal that help is on the way. It will be the sound of millions of Americans cheering your demise.