The Ryan Budget Plan

Under the Ryan Plan:

-People that want to receive medicare coverage will be given a 1 hour head start while a small group of billionaires hunt them down in Land Rovers. The last geriatric standing will get 3 months of medication and a first aid kit. The wheel chairs and oxygen tanks of the losers will be melted down and made into golf clubs.

-Those that apply for Medicaid coverage will lead into a small room, where they will be ground into a fine paste and will be fed to race horses as part of a high protein diet.

-Individuals applying for food stamps will be charged a nominal fee to borrow a revolver to shoot themselves in the head. If it takes more than one bullet, the cost will be passed on to subsequent generations.

-Unemployment Insurance will be replaced by a system where people provide manual labor for wealthy plantation owners in exchange for whippings.

-Universal Health Care coverage will be replaced by Saw style torture devices where people learn to shut their mouths and appreciate their monthly pittance.

-Serfs will now be allowed to have 3 turnips per day or 1.5 pieces of stale bread and a bowl of sawdust.