General Discussion

Quixote1818

(28,936 posts) Thu Dec 13, 2018, 01:38 AM Dec 2018

Can relationship gaslighting by the husband cause a wife to go from liberal to conservative?

Years ago my sister who used to be very liberal married an extremely crazy conservative guy that no one in the family likes and no one I know likes. Complete ass hole! I and others have seen signs of him gaslighting her in subtle ways. He can also be very rude and crass to our side of the family who are mostly liberal and she is always defending him and making excuses for him even when he is clearly in the wrong and completely disrespectful. He does give her a fair amount of space though and seems like a good father for the most part. Their kids who are somewhat liberal are the only ones who stand up to him. In recent years I and others have been stunned to hear her say homophobic things, she has lately gotten into a lot of conspiracy crap, even Qanon. I looked up people who are drawn to conspiracy theories and they tend to be people who don't feel like they have control over their lives. The thing is, she now totally seems to buy into all his crap and we think it is because he has a very aggressive, personality much like Trump and has slowly worn her down to where she has disowned herself and now has herself become bat-shit crazy conservative.

Are there any psychologists out there who can give some insight on how a wife who is constantly trying to keep the peace in a relationship with a somewhat scary, extremely conservative husband could go from being extremely level headed, accepting of all people and liberal to bat-shit crazy conservative and prejudice? Any suggestions on how to wake her up if the gaslighting and brainwashing has diseased her mind to submit and caused her to leave her true self behind? Is there any productive way I could reach her? For years I have just let her be thinking I guess she got older and just changed because of him but the more I think about it I think this change is because of an unhealthy relationship and subtle abuse and maybe we are just seeing the tip of the iceberg?

Does this sound like something that comes from gaslighting? If my parents could see her now they would be rolling over in their graves seeing that she buys into Qanon and likes Trump. I try not to talk politics with her because it just causes an incredible amount of tension but there have been times when I have heard homophobic and racist stuff where I could not keep my mouth shut. I would love to be able to tell her, "Do you realize how fricking brainwashed you are from him? What on earth happened to you? My sister would never have said mean things about gay people and minorities and buy into Trump's division and insanity."

She can still be a very wonderful sister but if she wasn't my sister I would have abandoned the relationship long ago because I am pained by seeing hate for other humans who are just being who they were born to be. It's very sad to me because I find it hard to have respect for my own sister so I try to look at her as someone who's slow mental abuse has worn her down so that her old self is a distant memory. That she is abused and has kind of lost control of her ability to think rationally.

For reference here are some links:

8 Signs That Someone Is in a Relationship With a Gaslighter (I would say pretty much all of these are like red flashing lights)
How gaslighters emotionally manipulate, traumatize, and exploit victims.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201702/8-signs-someone-is-in-relationship-gaslighter

Why Do People Believe in Conspiracy Theories?
The need to find order in a confusing world

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/talking-apes/201801/why-do-people-believe-in-conspiracy-theories

9 replies

= new reply since forum marked as read

Highlight:

Can relationship gaslighting by the husband cause a wife to go from liberal to conservative? (Original Post) Quixote1818 Dec 2018 OP

I feel/fear it's possible; elleng Dec 2018 #1

Thank you. nt Quixote1818 Dec 2018 #8

It's not really gaslighting. It's just long term innundation with propaganda Azathoth Dec 2018 #2

This is a pretty well done video on how to deal with gaslighters Quixote1818 Dec 2018 #3

Read about cognitive dissonance Bozvotros Dec 2018 #4

Very insightful stuff you said here Quixote1818 Dec 2018 #6

Thank you Bozvotros Dec 2018 #9

My daughters boyfriend marlakay Dec 2018 #5

If I were a religious person I would be praying for you Quixote1818 Dec 2018 #7

elleng

(130,907 posts)

1. I feel/fear it's possible;

Reply to Quixote1818 (Original post)

Thu Dec 13, 2018, 01:49 AM

Dec 2018

can't bear to think of it.

Very sorry.

Quixote1818

(28,936 posts)

8. Thank you. nt

Reply to elleng (Reply #1)

Thu Dec 13, 2018, 03:13 AM

Dec 2018

Azathoth

(4,608 posts)

2. It's not really gaslighting. It's just long term innundation with propaganda

Reply to Quixote1818 (Original post)

Thu Dec 13, 2018, 02:19 AM

Dec 2018

There's a reason why the GOP has moved into the looney bin -- the saner elements of their base were systematically radicalized over the years by ever more extreme propaganda. It's the same reason the guy who listens to Limbaugh everyday on his way to work gradually morphs from an apolitical moderate into a conspiracy-mongering white nationalist.

Propaganda works. It's most effective when the target is naive and uninformed, but long-term exposure (especially when it becomes the dominant information source) will eventually erode even the strongest will. And when that propaganda is coming from someone you love and bond with and want to live with in harmony, it is almost irresistible.

Quixote1818

(28,936 posts)

3. This is a pretty well done video on how to deal with gaslighters

Reply to Quixote1818 (Original post)

Thu Dec 13, 2018, 02:34 AM

Dec 2018

Bozvotros

(785 posts)

4. Read about cognitive dissonance

Reply to Quixote1818 (Original post)

Thu Dec 13, 2018, 02:59 AM

Dec 2018

This is often used as part of the explanation of why the Jonestown people drank the poison Kool-Aid. It's hard to hold two conflicting ideas or beliefs in your head so we tend to move to the one which creates less pain. Also the more we have invested in something the more we want to cling to it even when there's more evidence it should be rejected. The people at Jonestown had given up everything to move to Guyana and follow Jones. To now believe he was a madman and a conman meant you were a total chump...... so down the hatch goes the Kool aid.

It's sometimes appears to me that Republicans can't tolerate any cognitive dissonance. So they immediately and totally push out or ignore any and all evidence that they have their head up their ass or that they are complete hypocrites and hate monitoring dirtbags........

And sometimes, believe it or not I can ignore evidence that some Republicans are or can be, pretty decent human beings . Go figure.

Quixote1818

(28,936 posts)

6. Very insightful stuff you said here

Reply to Bozvotros (Reply #4)

Thu Dec 13, 2018, 03:09 AM

Dec 2018

It really rings true to me. Going to do some googling to see if there is anything about cognitive dissonance and someone losing their compassion like I am seeing with my sister.

Bozvotros

(785 posts)

9. Thank you

Reply to Quixote1818 (Reply #6)

Thu Dec 13, 2018, 03:49 AM

Dec 2018

It's normal to want the world to be more simple and understandable.. It's easier to divide the world into dualities of right and wrong, good and bad, God and devil, liberal and conservative etc and then pretend that's how it actually is and that we are on the side that is right.

If I can make a generality, it seems like people who become Republicans have more trouble handling complexity and ambiguity and that is one reason they gravitate to authoritarian people who will tell them what to believe, even if it contradicts what they experience and what they can see and hear. And it's also why authoritarian types like to keep their followers from listening to anyone else..

marlakay

(11,468 posts)

5. My daughters boyfriend

Reply to Quixote1818 (Original post)

Thu Dec 13, 2018, 03:08 AM

Dec 2018

Doesn’t vote but is racist, rude awful no one in family approves but he charms my daughter and cooks and cleans and she is busy manager and likes it.

I see her embarrassed at a lot he does but she makes excuses.

I gave up talking negative because he was pulling her away from me now i am quiet and sad.

She has started this past year saying things i have never heard her sweet voice say.

I keep hoping he does something to make her break up. He seems to know what to do to keep her hooked.

Quixote1818

(28,936 posts)

7. If I were a religious person I would be praying for you

Reply to marlakay (Reply #5)

Thu Dec 13, 2018, 03:12 AM

Dec 2018

That has to be nerve wracking. We have to let our kids go but if they start to lose their compassion for the less fortunate and tolerance for people who are different, it's very concerning and painful to see.

Reply to this discussion