Chapstick Holders ... Who Knew?

I learned something today. Frankly, I learn something most days. However, today’s instructional interlude made me stop and ponder beyond what figuratively smacked me in the face. It was a teaching moment that is truly more than the sum of its parts. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you … lip balm holders.

Yes, lip balm holders. Apparently, good old pockets, handbags and zippered backpack compartments aren’t good enough to hold that winter-necessary balm that keeps your lips from drying and cracking. There is an entire industry (cottage and otherwise) set up to provide the masses with tiny little lip balm coozies that can attach to key chains and backpacks. You can buy them on Amazon. Crafters advertise their lip balm holding wares on Facebook and other sites, debating their design, color and ease of use. Parents ask if their childrens’ names can be added, ostensibly so the product won’t be shared or its ownership confused. Moms and Dads are on the lookout for them as holiday stocking stuffers because Santa wants to prevent unnecessary lip balm loss. They even come with the faces of their favorite cartoon characters (much like Pez dispensers). But really, Pez dispensers aren’t a valid comparison. Pez dispensers ARE necessary. Have ever tried to carry Pez around in a pocket without one? They get fuzzy and furry, sticky and disgusting. A Pez dispenser protects the product until you are ready to pop it in your mouth. Chapstick already comes in a protective dispenser. I am pretty sure it doesn’t need an Otterbox, although Lord knows that might be coming down the pike next.

When I made the oh-so-terrible mistake of asking if these were actually a thing, and that I wasn’t reading an Onion-esque post, I was vilified by a score of Moms for judging the fact that they didn’t want their children to lose their Chapstick. “They clip on their backpack. SEE???” And that explains everything. I stopped myself from responding with, “… and they don’t have a pocket?” Good move on my part. The self preservation instinct is strong in this one.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m all for innovation. Yes, I own a computer. I have a smart phone. I utilize the internet (as is obvious if you are reading this post). I routinely order online, have watched a Netflix movie, and listened to a streaming music service. But correct me if I’m wrong. Do we really need to go to such lengths to create an item that replaces, in essence, a pocket? Must we protect our children to such a degree that they don’t have to be responsible for their belongings? “Here, Honey. I clipped your Chapstick to the handle of your backpack so you won’t lose it. Have a good day and learn a lot!” God forbid they lose the whole backpack (which trust me, if you are the parent of a child you KNOW has happened at least once).

Which brings me to the bigger question. Has the world lost its collective mind? Is there a think tank somewhere that sits around and dreams up these inane and essentially unnecessary inventions, just for the purpose of making a buck? What happened to creating things to advance the species, like the light bulb, the toilet, the washing machine, the broom, and a host of other implements that make work easier and our lives better? But no … we or our spawn might lose a 99 cent tube of lip balm, so let’s go buy a $5-10 snuggie for it. And if THAT gets lost, we’ll have lost a whole lot more than 99 cents. Insanity.

So this is what I learned today. First of all, that lip balm holders are now a THING. Second, that parents nowadays will do anything to make sure that their children have what they believe they need, even to the exclusion of a little personal responsibility. Third, it’s wise not to get in between a parent and a cute, useless article if they want it for their child. And fourth, that there are some inventors out there who need a swift kick in the kiester to prod them into designing and building things that will help EVERYONE, not just those who are irresponsible AND hydrationally disadvantaged.