The National Emergency is the President is a Malevolent Dumbass (Ferret/Shower Cap)

Hello Shower Captives, welcome to tonight's madness roundup! You’ll no doubt be pleased to learn that the weekend brought many many (many) more articles on the Congresswoman Who Cried Motherfucker than on the thousands of children still detained in concentration camps on American soil, because, as I have oft remarked, we live in Hell.

(As is customary, you can find this post, with all those helpful links, on my humble blog site, here: http://showercapblog.com/the-national-emergency-is-the-president-is-a-malevolent-dumbass/)

Well, the Government Shartdown is ongoing, and I've had to furlough Bill at the Abject Horror Desk, which really isn't that bad, because it's not like I pay him or anything. And anyhow, what're all these people whining about, anyway? Oh, so you're “working without pay” or “can't pay your mortgage?” COWBOY UP, you CUCKS! As the Bonespur Buttplug helpfully points out, y’all can just “make adjustments!” Adjustments like sleeping outside instead of having a roof over your head! Or, if your budget is straining under the costs of food, have you tried adjusting by just not eating? It's BOOTSTRAP TIME!

And hey, it's not like we're doing lasting damage to our national parks or anything. Not like domestic violence shelters are in danger of closing because the Violence Against Women act lapsed with the shutdown.

...wait.

But look, as your bank account dwindles and your stress mounts, you can at least take comfort in knowing that park rangers are still hard at work in at least one historic location: and wouldn'tcha know it, it's the one on the site of President Crotchrot's Washington, D.C. hotel! Gosh that's one zany-ass coincidence, isn't it? I bet the lifeguard at the ball pit in Jared Kushner's office has to work, too.

Somehow, the historically unpopular President has actually decided to increase his demands in exchange for ending his unpopular shutdown over his unpopular wall policy, because hey, he's the Shart o’ the Deal! You picture Chuck n’ Nancy just sort of...blinking at him silently, with a look of disdain colored with mild pity.

And because this is Hell, and Satan is laughing at us as we squirm, we learned that the Big Dumb Wall, that nobody wants, that wouldn't even work, that's the entire cause of this moronic, wasteful, standoff, originated as a goddamn memory device, to trick the barely-functioning, Adderall-soaked, brain inside the Doddering Dotard's thick skull into remembering to talk about immigration on the campaign trail. That's some dark shit, folks. Dark. Shit.

The persecution of Sarah Huckleberry Slanders has escalated to the point where she's even getting fact-checked on Fux Nooz. Sarah was all, “What the FUCK, Chris Wallace, have you forgotten that your whole job is to magnify my ridiculous lies, in this case pertaining to the eleventy-million terrorists who sneak across the southern border every single day, snickering about how a wall would totally keep them out, but Americans are too stupid to build it?”

It's actually been kind of a banner stretch for comically-disprovable lies from Team Treason. I suppose we can't really blame them; the truth is not particularly accommodating to their records or goals. They're fully locked into a “fool some of the people all the time” strategy, and considering their loyal rube army believes every nutjob conspiracy theory from Jade Helm to Pizzagate, why not go hog wild?

Like, for example, why not fellate yourself for preventing a completely imaginary armed conflict? Yup, the Marmalade Shartcannon is very impressed with the way he single-handedly staved off war with North Korea, which was totally in real life just about happen, pinky swear. It's nincompoop-level Orwell: we have never been at war with Eastasia, actually, because I stopped it with my raw, unfiltered, awesomeness.

And now all the living ex-Presidents have gone on the record denying Le Grande Sharte's obviously bogus claim that they all have secret crushes on the Big Dumb Wall, because I guess we really do have to bother Jimmy Carter with this shit now. “Why would I want such a damn fool thing?” asked Carter, before returning to kicking cancer's ass with one hand while building houses for the less fortunate with the other.

In the face of all this lying, the Tangelo Taint Tumor announced a prime time Oval Office speech, so he can lie to the whole country at once. And all the networks have to decide whether or not to give the fuckhead such a powerful platform to belch up his hateful propaganda. “Well, on the one hand, it's newsworthy, on the other, he's using disinformation as a tool to fuel racist hostility and destroy American democracy. But then, our Tuesday sitcom slate hasn't been performing well anyhow.”

A fresh new entry in the blossoming subgenre of Trump Buyer’s Remorse Interviews from the Failing New York Times, featuring a dude who voted for Shart Garfunkel because “He was supposed to hurt OTHER people not ME!” but now tariffs are destroying HIS business, and dang, bro, I'm sure sorry that the suffering you chose to inflict on the nation has come around to bite you in the ass. Anyway, I have some shit you can eat if you want.

Increasing clarity on the Shart Doctrine regarding Syria, where our policy is either totally different than before or exactly the same. Or not. Troops will be coming home soon, or perhaps staying indefinitely, or maybe opening a chain of frozen yogurt stands. The plot of The Big Sleep is our Syria policy, basically.

However, they've used Littlefinger's misinformed Middle East yo-yoing to chase Jim Mattis, with his stubborn refusal to blow up the post-WWII international order on a whim, out the door, and now they've forced Pentagon Chief of Staff Kevin Sweeney out as well. Word is, they're having trouble filling the Defense Secretary post, which is odd, because who wouldn't jump at the chance to talk their boss out of nuking Paris because Emmanuel Macron shook his hand too hard.

And Smelly Creep Julian Assange has apparently gotten sick of everybody calling him a smelly creep, and is now threatening to sue any journalist who mentions what a smelly creep he is. I figure it'll be a while before that smelly creep makes his way down to my humble blog page, so I'm probably safe.

Mike Pompeo, who is a fake patriot, an equally fake Christian, and, tragically, America's top diplomat, will be giving a little speech in Cairo, holding up the journalist-butchering Saudi regime as an example to be followed when it comes to human rights, which really ought to deeply humiliate anyone who believes in any of those silly ol' American principles we used to learn about in school. Anyway, I finally have the answer to the once-ridiculous question, “what would it take to make you actually miss a ruinous clod like Rex Tillerson?”

Hey, didja see the poll that shows Nancy Pelosi is better liked than Hairpiece Himmler now? Oh man, that's good shit. I wanna print that poll out, and stand on the Shart House lawn, holding it over my head, Say-Anything-style. More than a decade of demonizing Pelosi, they've made her more popular and powerful than ever. Tee fuckin' hee.

Heh. Looks like Jag of All Trades Mick Mulvaney is already loading his luggage into one of the last remaining lifeboats aboard the Shartanic, eyeing a new gig as president of the University of South Carolina. Gosh. And after Stephen Miller went through all that trouble getting his measurements just right for those Klan robes during Secret Santa.

Well, that's all I got tonight, friends. While I hope to keep services running during the shutdown, you may want to stockpile some poop jokes in the event of a shortage. Be prepared, is all I'm sayin'.