You’re reading this because you’re a man. Hair grows out of the bottom of your face with the force of three hundred Spartans charging into battle. You need a razor that can handle that terrain. That’s where we come in.

You are TOUGH. You are RUGGED. But you also want that jawline to be SMOOTH as a FRESHLY ZAMBONI-ED ICE RINK. Your spirit is ROCK HARD. But your face needs to be SOFT TO THE TOUCH like a MEWLING NEWBORN.

Have you never even once reached out to a friend for emotional support? When your dad tries to hug you, do you shove his arms away, because love — even the familial kind, which strengthens us all during times of sorrow and pain — is for chicks? Did you read “Cat Person” and think, “…that girl was a whore, though”?

Our razor is for you.

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You should never feel bad about yourself, and our commercials will ensure that you won’t! In fact, you won’t feel anything of any kind, except maybe rage or the hunger for raw meat that you have hunted with your bare hands. Of course, if you were to feel your face, you would notice it was extremely supple and gentle to the touch after you ATTACKED it with our patented seventeen-blade razor head, which weighs approximately 23 pounds.

This razor also doubles as a spear!

Nothing about you is soft — except the skin on your face, which is softer than a rabbit’s underbelly/a toilet paper that bears have dedicated their entire lives to advertising/the warm, reassuring touch you would never offer to a same-sex friend/a baby’s bottom! (You will have to take our word for it because we know you would never dream of changing a diaper.)

Everything is “gender-neutral” now, and also gender is a “construct.” Well, in our day, “neutrality” was just a euphemism for “we let the Nazis use our banks,” and “constructs” were things MEN built with their hands, like highways and factories and THIS OPPRESSIVE PATRIARCHY under which we all currently reside and suffer.