So Tell Me, Republicans

Tell me one time your “pResident” demonstrated a true sense of patriotism – and no, humping the flag doesn’t count.

Tell me one time your “pResident” showed any feelings for anyone other than himself – and no, groping Ivanka doesn’t count.

Tell me one time your “pResident” put the good of the nation above his own self interests – and no, not golfing during a government shutdown that he caused doesn’t count.

Tell me one time your “pResident” displayed even a modicum of class – and no, serving Big Macs to White House guests doesn’t count.

Tell me one time your “pResident” demonstrated that he knows anything about foreign affairs – and no, grovelling before Putin doesn’t count.

Tell me one time your “pResident” displayed compassion – and no, throwing paper towels at hurricane victims doesn’t count.

Tell me one time your “pResident” took the responsibilities of his office seriously – and no, declaring a ‘fake’ national emergency doesn’t count.

Tell me one time your “pResident” even came close to uniting the country – and no, trying to convince people that Nazis and white supremacists can be ‘very fine people’ doesn’t count.

Tell me one time your “pResident” was cited for his honesty and integrity by anyone – and no, John Barron and John Miller don’t count.

Tell me one time your “pResident” demonstrated an understanding of scientific facts – and no, saying that using wind power means your electricity shuts down on windless days doesn’t count.

Tell me one time your “pResident” showed he understands the plight of the middle-class – and no, touting a ‘middle-class tax break’ that only cuts taxes for the wealthy doesn’t count.

Tell me one time your “pResident” displayed even a modicum of respect for the law – and no, acting as though he is above the law doesn’t count.

Tell me one time your “pResident” showed respect for the office he holds – and no, selling cheap, made-in-China ‘POTUS’ merchandise on his website doesn’t count.

Tell me one time your “pResident” reached out to his fellow citizens – and no, grabbing pussies doesn’t count.

Tell me one time your “pResident” appointed an experienced, competent person to a position of power – and no, Jared Kushner definitely doesn’t count.

Tell me one time your “pResident” lasted an entire day without lying to the American people – and no, the days he locked himself in his quarters because he was having a hissy-fit don’t count.

Tell me one time your “pResident” did anything to keep the nation safe – and no, locking brown-skinned children in cages doesn’t count.

Tell me one time your “pResident” said anything profound or thought-provoking – and no, ‘covfeve” doesn’t count.

Tell me one time your “pResident”, the great negotiator, actually accomplished something – and no, walking away from two meetings with Kim Jung-Un holding nothing in his hands but his own flaccid dick doesn’t count.

Tell me one time your “pResident” was welcomed in a foreign country – and no, being met by thousands of protestors doesn’t count.

Tell me one time your “pResident” acted presidential – and no, skipping Veterans’ Day ceremonies because his hair-do would get messed-up in the rain doesn’t count.

Tell me one time your “pResident” was truthful about anything – and no, prefacing every false statement with the words ‘believe me” doesn’t count.

Tell me one time your “pResident” demonstrated a desire to cooperate with other nations – and no, identifying other nations as ‘shithole countries’ doesn’t count.

Thank you for taking our quiz! For bonus points, please submit a 200-word essay on one of the following topics:

Tell me one time your “pResident” hasn’t acted like a buffoon on the world stage, hasn’t been ridiculed for his blatant idiocy, hasn’t been exposed as a con-man, hasn’t been out-witted by our nation’s enemies, hasn’t been under investigation for obstruction of justice and/or collusion with our enemies, hasn’t had one of his “best people” investigated and/or indicted, and/or hasn’t insulted one of our allies.

And yes, spelling and grammar do count. I realize this rule may disqualify most of you – but that’s the way it goes, so suck it up.

I anxiously await your answers, Republicans – but I’m not holding my breath. Defending the indefensible can be exhausting, and most of you ran out of steam a long time ago.