I watched the New Zealand shooting video today.

And I know that some here will chew my ass for watching it. Go ahead...that doesn't bother me.

It took me a few moments to realize why the video so enraged me.

By that I mean...I have seen everything that there is to see on the internet, and it's jaded me. I will not censor myself from watching any video. The video today reminded me that man is a dangerous animal, that unlike other animals, is not driven by instinct, but rather, can be driven by spite, hatred, a twisted view of religion, and self-importance.

I don't care what the shooter's name is, nor do I remember it. I vaguely noticed what he looked like.

The video I watched today was not especially gory as compared to others I have seen. But it was the worst thing I have ever seen. It bought me to tears of rage and sorrow.

It offended my soul and made me want to puke. Reason being...I did not re-watch the video to confirm this, but I remember my perception being that I heard next to no screaming or panic in the initial moments of the attack...at least I don't think I did. It seemed like a violent video game to me, with the sound turned off.

And these people were murdered while PRAYING. They were MEDITATING PEACEFULLY IN THEIR OWN HEAD SPACE. Is that why I heard little or no screaming particularly when the shooting started? Or was there actually a lot of screaming that my own senses blocked out?

I've been in a near blind rage since Trump's comments yesterday concerning violence from the police, military, etc. Knowing that the shooter was influenced by Trump and those like him made me feel the familiar pangs of depression setting in quickly. I tried to express to a few people in my real life today why I am so angry...and I've reached the point where I can't put it into words anymore. I cannot express the danger I am envisioning. I sound like a fucking lunatic sounding alarm bells when I try.

I can't be positive. I can't think about the goodness of most people anymore, because we (meaning everyone) are at severe risk. And I knew it and felt it the minute Trump announced he was running for POTUS. I felt it at a primal level, and I couldn't explain it then, just as I can't explain it now without sounding like I've gone off the deep end.

Watching that video, after seeing everything else there is to see, offended me at a level that I've not felt before. I can't be optimistic and cheerful. my natural tendency is to be the type of person that people seeking strength and encouragement come to. I can't provide that encouragement anymore.