Carl Hiaasen: 'Just pig out at the Mar-a-Lago buffet table. They'll never know you're a spy'

https://www.miamiherald.com/opinion/opn-columns-blogs/carl-hiaasen/article228891354.html?fbclid=IwAR1mWbxTjkzv5V6oWqhS8ns__0_W97cCd0WHhNnT-Beog2LpOi8XwAkkwQg

‘Just pig out at the Mar-a-Lago buffet table. They’ll never know you’re a spy’ | Opinion
By Carl Hiaasen
April 05, 2019 03:01 PM, Updated 3 hours 11 minutes ago

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Because of what occurred last week, we are recommending new procedures for concealing thumb drives loaded with malicious software. Do NOT carry these devices in your purse, beach bag, pants pocket or billfold.

Alternative hiding places for thumb drives may include hollow shoe heels, fake Range Rover key fobs and empty Altoid tins. Some operatives report success at smuggling the thumb drives in vape pens, but there are conflicting accounts regarding the Mar-a-Lago club policy on cannabis paraphernalia.

As you walk through the rooms and hallways of the estate searching for a computer to infect, you should appear to seem lost, or mildly intoxicated. If you get stopped by a staff member or Secret Service agent, ask directions to the nearest restroom.

Tell them it’s an emergency — you have a spastic colon. Whatever.

Currently we are recommending no changes to the established procedure if you see the commander-in-chief during your infiltration of Mar-a-Lago. Proven methods of attracting his attention include waving excitedly, giggling at a high pitch or simply shouting, “We love you, Mr. President! Thank you for making America great again!”

Frequently he will respond by elbowing a visiting head of state out of the way, warmly beckoning you to his table and posing for photographs known as “selfies.” He will have no idea who you are or why you’re there, but he will put his arm around you and grin like you are a dear, beloved friend.

Before posting the picture on your Presidential-Access-For-Sale website, you may use the filter application on your cell phone camera to tone down the unusual apricot hue of the president’s hair.

Afterward, as you depart Mar-a-Lago, cruise by the buffet table and bag up a pile of stone crab claws. This act should remove any suspicion that you’re not a regular guest.