“The only ones that are mourning the loss of Soleimani are our Democrat leadership and our Democrat presidential candidates.” — Nikki Haley

“They are in love with terrorists. We see that they mourn Soleimani more than they mourn our Gold Star families.” — Rep. Douglas A. Collins (R-Ga.)

USA, TODAY — Millions of Americans who opposed President Trump’s decision to kill Iranian Maj. Gen. Qasem Soleimani in a drone strike were devastated to learn that, actually, they loved the terrorist leader and could not possibly oppose this move for any other reason.

“Honestly,” Ann American said, “I could not have picked the guy out of a lineup a week ago, and my reservations around his killing were that it felt like a dangerous escalation that could lead to war, but it turns out that I’m actually a big fan of his who is sorry that he is dead. That’s the only reason I’m upset about this. Who knew! And I hate America? I need to buy very different lawn decorations."

Homes were rocked by the revelation. “I thought I was in love with my wife,” Greg Gregson said. “We’ve been married 30 years, and I thought we had something, but …” Greg sighed. “I guess that wasn’t really love. All this time, I’ve been in love with terrorists. But the really devastating thing is — so has she. I just wish we’d been able to talk to each other instead of finding this out the way we did, by watching Rep. Doug Collins speak to Lou Dobbs on the Fox Business channel. She is upstairs packing her things while I drink this iced tea and shed bitter tears.”