Republicans Block Jesus From Testifying

The country was shocked today when Jesus Christ (aka The Saviour, Son of God, etc.) came forward and expressed his willingness to testify in the impeachment trial of Donald J. Trump. Jesus agreed that he would swear to Himself and to His Heavenly Father to tell truth.

Not surprisingly, Senate Republicans immediately voted to block The Nazarene from testifying, citing various reasons why Christ’s firsthand knowledge of the events at issue was irrelevant.

“Just because He’s all-knowing doesn’t mean He knows everything,” said Mitch McConnell. “He doesn’t know what’s in the president’s mind and heart, any more than the Democrats do.”

Senator Lindsey Graham questioned The Lord’s suitability to bear witness, pointing out that His immigration status has not been determined and, given His middle-eastern roots, Christ could very well be a Muslim terrorist sent to undermine the “most influential man who ever lived” and “the best pResident ever in the annals of world history”.

Senator Susan Collins expressed her usual “concern”, and stated that she was “troubled” that her immortal soul could be in jeopardy as a result of the GOP’s actions – but ultimately voted with them anyway.

Many GOP senators expressed the view that Jesus’s ability to walk on water, heal the sick, and raise the dead was not definitive proof of divinity, and investigations into that claim would require too much time away from their responsibility to totally ignore the nearly 400 bills that have been sent to them by the House of Representatives.

Alan Dershowitz, currently hiding from his own words, weighed-in from his bunker to say that Trump is not accountable to a Saviour whose power is limited, while the power of the president is absolute and overrides that of a mere Son of God.

Republican spokesmen hit the TV news shows to defend the GOP’s position, stating that the Democrats have been colluding with the Prince of Peace “in a basement room, behind closed doors”, and accused the Democrats of attempting to cheat in the 2020 election by seeking the help of a “foreign power”.

Upon being apprised of the news, Trump immediately launched a barrage of tweets, referring to The Saviour as a ”long-haired, dirty hippie”, “the Nazareth Nobody”, and a “Never-Trumper”, and sent Rudy Giuliani to Bethlehem to ‘dig up dirt’ on Jesus, including an investigation into Christ’s birth certificate.

In response to reporters’ questions about his instructions to Republicans to ensure the Prince of Peace's testimony would be quashed, Trump emphatically insisted that the Senate has now confirmed that it is indeed his country, and he is free to do whatever he wants.

As of this writing, Jesus could not be reached for comment. After being picked up by ICE agents, it is believed He is being held in a “facility” somewhere in the US, awaiting deportation.