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Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsWell, We've Arrived at the Point in the Pandemic When Alex Jones Starts Eating Ass. (Ferret/SC)
TGIF, right? Assuming it really is Friday, I certainly cant tell anymore. TGI...Sometime, I suppose. I am reasonably certain time still exists, if only because I periodically see commercials for television shows that havent happened yet. Well, lets round up (what I assume is) this weeks news, kay?
(As always, find this post, WITH nifty news links, here: http://showercapblog.com/weve-arrived-at-the-point-in-the-pandemic-when-alex-jones-starts-eating-ass-ahead-of-the-models-too/)
Honestly, Im surprised youre even reading this; I assumed everybody was still at the Turdwaffle Administrations Mission Accomplished COVID-19 is Our Bitch Now Please Pay No Attention to the Mounting Death Toll party. Yes, desperate for better headlines after the whole What you should drink is BLEACH thing, the Clowncar Full of Rectums currently squatting in our executive branch is trying a new communications strategy, based on demanding compliments for the successes that exist only within their own minds, led by the Velveeta Vulgarian himself, praising his own genius atop an ever-growing mound of corpses, chewing on an Adderall-crusted ribeye, overcooked to the point where its taste is indistinguishable from that of the tongue of a well-worn sneaker. I bet it totally works, kids.
Boy howdy, the Wisconsin GOP hates voters like Capn Crunch hates Soggies. It wasnt enough to attempt to steal a state Supreme Court seat by forcing an election during a deadly pandemic, no, now that their murderous little scheme has backfired, the defeated Rethuglican Justice, Daniel Kelly, has decided to unrecuse himself from a shamelessly partisan voter purge case, so he can spend his lame duck days stealing voting rights from a couple hundred thousand of his fellow citizens. Hey, whoever set up this system where a turd like Kelly is allowed to literally take revenge on an electorate that rejected him, nice work!
Unable to to fathom how his polling numbers have plummeted amidst the mass graves and food lines, Shart Garfunkel threw a sad, sorry, tantrum at his weaselly shitbag campaign manager, Brad Parscale, proving once and for all that there is no loyalty among crotchfungi. Littlefinger even threatened to sue Parscale, for making him lie and golf his way through February while the coronavirus tap-danced from sea to shining sea, I guess.
Im not fucking losing to Joe Biden, Donnie Dotard is said to have whined, adult diaper leaking down the legs of his ridiculous, ill-fitting, balloon pants. Shithead, youre not only fucking losing to Joe Biden, youre going to fucking die in prison, and Americans are going to fucking build a stadium-style piss trough on top of your fucking grave.
To Mitch McConnell, the entire Turd Reich has operated essentially like a wingnut Play-Doh machine; he feeds it atrocity and treason and failure, and it churns out lifetime appointments for scumbag right-wing judges. To that end, hes calling the Senate back into session. Will the upper chamber be considering legislation to deliver us from the crisis thats crippled the nation? Nope, this is all about gettin that judicial jagoff assembly line running again, ensuring Yertles regressive worldview will plague America for decades to come. Hey Founding Fathers, nice job on that whole Senate thing, I am totally loving the tyranny of the white nationalist minority!
A really fun thing thats happening right now is that the Marmalade Shartcannon keeps trying to extort individual states (mostly the blue ones, isnt that a zany coincidence?) if they want any federal help with this little ol coronavirus kerfuffle, which you may have heard about here and there. Yeah, its awesome that the President of the United States treats the Treasury like a wad of bills he gets to keep in his front pocket, to be doled out as he sees fit. Also awesome that, having received the Senate GOPs stamp of approval for his Ukraine scheme, he feels totally comfortable pursuing similar tactics with his OWN FUCKING CONSTITUENTS.
Pumpkin Spice Pol Pots top domestic policy advisor, some skeevy-looking twit named Joe Grogan, has been forced out, apparently because somebody finally woke up and noticed, say, were awful at pretty much everything, but holy fuck we are absolute shit at domestic policy! A despised tax cut benefiting the wealthy, repeated attempts to steal health care from millions, and now we blew up the entire fucking economy? Golly, maybe its time for a change. Ya think?
Florida seems to have stumbled onto a game-changing trick in the battle against COVID-19; theyre keeping their death tally low by preventing the states medical examiners from releasing their data, how clever! Maybe they can sneak the extra bodies up to the border and dump em in Georgia when nobodys looking! Reached for comment, Governor Ron DeSantis would only say, la la la la I cant hear you, with one index finger lodged snugly within each of his ears.
33 search warrants tied to Roger Stones arrest and eventual conviction were unsealed, and holy fuckballs, Rog, I dont even own 33 shirts! How much crime does one creepy old dude have to commit to merit THIRTY-THREE separate warrants? Aside from all the treason n stuff, it seems Stone operated 200 fake Facebook accounts, which he used to talk about how awesome Roger Stone is, demonstrating the pitiful fragility so common in Fat Q*Berts closest associates. If feel like I wouldnt be nearly as mad these days if the criminal cabal thats hijacked my beloved country werent so cringingly pathetic.
Speaking of Strawberry Shartcakes inner circle of bumbling crooks, newly-released documents which in no way exonerate Mike Flynn are being wildly spun as completely exonerating Mike Flynn. What, you didnt expect these goons to suddenly turn honest this close to the finish line, didja?
Vice President Michael Pants now threatens retaliation against the reporter who blew the lid off NotWearingAMaskToTheMayoClinicGate, likely because he imagines a juvenile-yet-fascist assault on the free press will earn him a few stale french fries from his Turd Emperors dinner table. Maybe even a half-eaten Egg McMuffin, if hes lucky. That Mike fancies himself a religious man remains baffling and hilarious; I wonder if, during his childhood, maybe somebody slipped the book jacket off a Bible and onto a copy of a Nathan Bedford Forrest biography, and gave it to him, and he just never figured out the difference.
Heavily-armed shitty white boy terrorists briefly occupied the Capitol in Michigan, demanding reparations for all the money theyd wasted over the years on so-called miracle penis enlargement cures. Naturally Hairplug Himmler sided with the terrorists (who are distinguishable from protesters by their tactical gear and FUCKING FIREARMS), even echoing the thug-praising language from his disastrous post-Charlottesville speech, because the self-awareness gene has skipped a few generation in the Trump family.
(Incidentally, mere hours after the protests, the Governor extended the states stay-at-home orders, because A) she actually cares about saving her constituents lives, and B) itll take more than a gaggle of spittle-drenched LARPers to intimidate Gretchen Fucking Whitmer.)
Individual states are still smuggling in medical equipment and hiding it from the feds so that Jared Kushner cant confiscate their shit to then hand over to private companies to sell to the highest bidder, and Im starting to think maybe were not operating at maximum efficiency here. We reached out to deceased railway baron Cornelius Vanderbilt to ask if this was any way to run a railroad; he said Fuck, no.
Like many of you, Ive been suffering from decency envy these last three years, looking longingly at our neighbors to the north, but man, Canadas really rubbing our noses in it now, announcing a ban on military-style assault weapons. Look, we get it! Youre a functioning democracy that hasnt collapsed into a kakistocracy serving only a rage-filled dipshit white supremacist minority, LA-DEE-DA! (Yall dont happen to have a sofa a fake superhero could crash on for a few months, by the way?)
As though we dont have enough to worry about already, now Alex Jones is stumbling around, threatening to eat strangers asses. PUBLIC SAFETY NOTICE: If you discover Alex Jones eating your ass, you should freeze immediately; Jones vision is based on motion. Wait for Jones to leave the room, then contact animal control. DO NOT ENGAGE ALEX JONES YOURSELF, HES IN AN ASS-EATIN MOOD!
Kayleigh McEnany made her debut as Shart House press secretary, promising the assembled reporters, I will never lie to you, before immediately lying to them about a whole bunch of shit. Structurally speaking, I shouldve put this paragraph above the last one. This is kind of a let down after the whole ass-eating thing, isnt it? Whoops.
Ok, Resisters, enjoy your weekend, if indeed this be the weekend. Dont forget, until Alex Jones is apprehended, wear both a mask and a buttguard while in public. Safety first.
underpants
(182,830 posts)Yes Im on Twitter now.
I couldnt watch it because I was in the room with my family.
Look. Ass is one thing. Tofu is another.
Cha
(297,323 posts)Laelth
(32,017 posts)-Laelth
underpants
(182,830 posts)Cha
(297,323 posts)tblue37
(65,408 posts)Mossfern
(2,513 posts)Buckeye_Democrat
(14,855 posts)Didnt know about it until your post.
That guy cant think about anything with moderation, can he?
In the past, he wouldve been living inside an asylum.
IronLionZion
(45,458 posts)especially his promise to globalists
Buckeye_Democrat
(14,855 posts)... frightened right-wingers who try to act tough.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3092984/
Acts of bravery are likely the result of stupidity.
Celerity
(43,417 posts)LaelthsDaughter
(150 posts)Awe shucks! XD
ZZenith
(4,124 posts)if the criminal cabal thats hijacked my beloved country werent so cringingly pathetic.
EXACTLY! At least the Germans in the thirties were tricked by clever people using new mind-control technologies.
littlemissmartypants
(22,695 posts)2naSalit
(86,650 posts)BGBD
(3,282 posts)that this guy has been given exclusive interviews with the President of the United States. Oh, and the Trump Administration gave this guy White House Press Credentials.
Yup, to a guy that either just threatened to consume or preform analingus on his neighbor. It wasn't totally clear I suppose.
murielm99
(30,745 posts)A mask and an assguard? What will become of us?
CaliforniaPeggy
(149,640 posts)voteearlyvoteoften
(1,716 posts)Hey SC Im gonna buy you a beer or 6. 🍻