The speech Rmoney should give

as written by the inimitable Charlie Pierce

"How'd you like it? You wanted me to be authentic and you got it, both barrels, gold-plated with a lovely mahogany stock, perfect for killing varmints. Put me on a podium in front of an auditorium full of mouthbreathers I wouldn't hire to park my car and I turn into an ice sculpture. But put me in a room with sentient piles of currency, and I can relax and explain the way the world works in the only language they understand, the only language that counts. I speak Money, bitches, and if you didn't learn it when you were young, there ain't no Rosetta Stone you can use to play catch-up now. We spoke Money at home. We spoke Money at prep school. Parlez-vous franc? Sprechen sie Deutschmark? You don't speak Money, you don't speak to me, because, well:

I'm Mitt Romney, bitches, and I'm all you got left.

You think I'm worried that a bunch of cheap suits with BlackBerries are talking smack about me to some political fanzine? Do you think I'm concerned about the good opinion of a bunch of people that we'd have had pushing the snack cart around the sales floor at Bain? Do you think I care about the national ambitions of that zombie-eyed granny starver I put on the ticket? That guy really thinks I mean all that stuff about opportunity and free enterprise. You know what's free about free enterprise? No, you don't, fools, because you... don't... speak... Money. I do, and, well:

I'm Mitt Romney, bitches, and I'm all you got left.

<snip>

I'm the end product, baby. This is where your party's been heading for 30 years. Who do you think bankrolled Reagan? People who spoke Money, that's who. You put a party together made up of snakehandlers, and economic alchemists, and neocon grifters, and get a whole bunch of people like me, people who speak Money, to foot all the bills, and who do you think is going to end up on top? Sooner or later, you all have to pay the piper, and the piper is me. I am always the piper, because I always get paid, because, well:

I'm Mitt Romney, bitches, and I'm all you got left."

Read more: http://www.esquire.com/blogs/politics/romney-speech-after-secret-tape-12824014#ixzz26qm6W9pJ

In satire lives the deepest of truth