Republicans Consider Welcoming People Who Believe in Math and Science

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Opting for a bold “big tent” strategy to rebuild the party, Reince Priebus, the chairman of the Republican National Committee, told reporters today, “We need to welcome people who believe in different things than we do, like math and science.”


After disappointing results in Tuesday’s election, Mr. Priebus said that it was time for Republicans to become “more tolerant of those with a math-and-science lifestyle.”
“Just because we don’t believe in those things doesn’t mean we can’t get along with people who do,” he said. “We want to send this message: math and science Americans are Americans, too.”


In the biggest departure from its previous electoral strategy, Mr. Priebus said, the Republican Party is “even considering trying to appeal to women.”


“I read recently that women are as much as fifty-one per cent of the population,” he said. “That number sounded crazy high to me, but maybe one of our new math Republicans can check on it for us.”


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