Marcel the Advice Cat on Q-Anon

Another oldie from the Ask Marcel files—

Dear Marcel,
I don’t know what’s happened to my husband. He STILL believes this QAnon nonsense. I’ve given him articles exposing it for what it is, and I made him watch that HBO documentary, but he thinks that’s all “Fake News.”
He firmly believes that all Democrats and Hollywood people actually eat babies! He also goes on about “lizard people” and “space lasers” and god knows what all. He’s an otherwise caring and intelligent guy. I don’t know what happened to him, or what to do.
-At My Wit’s End
PS - He also thinks the world is flat.

Dear Wit’s,
Oh dear. I can’t say how sorry I am that you’re actually married to one of these Q nuts. This is the dark side of the web; people believe all kinds of crazy stuff they read on the internet. Luckily, you came to just the right online advice-columnist cat.

Some history as to how all these previously sensible people fell into cults;
Mike Lindell (the My Pillow Guy), employed a team of etymologists to engineer a super breed of flesh-eating dust mites. He had the larvae of these engineered “megamites” sewn into every My Pillow sold.

The megamite larvae hatch and then the mites crawl out of the pillows, right into the ears of the My Pillow victim in their sleep, to feast on the prefrontal cortex of their brain, which is the part that’s responsible for critical thinking—for instance, distinguishing the difference between, say, a pizza parlor and a child sex-trafficking ring. With this essential part of their frontal lobe damaged, the victim would fall prey to various bizarre conspiracy theories and other nonsense.

But relief is in sight!
A team of scientists assembled by the Foundation for the Return of Reason, Reality, and Facts (FRRRF) has developed a device designed to vacuum these megamite infestations out of the brain. It’s called the Megamitinator (TM). It’s still in the development stage, but early studies on members of cults such as QAnon, Scientology, Dog People, and Phish fans, have shown promising results.

Here’s how it works; when the victim (in this case your husband) is sleeping, you cup the two Megamitinator units over his ears. While the right-hand unit vacuums out the megamites, the left-hand unit delivers medication in the form of a healing mist, which repairs the damaged brain tissue and generates new tissue.

Do this every night until your husband is thinking clearly again. But before you do ANYTHING, you must immediately dispose of his My Pillow at a hazardous waste facility. I also recommend you fumigate your entire bedroom.

If you’re interested in signing your husband up to participate in ongoing clinical trials of the Megamitinator, go to: ClinicalTrials/MegamitinatorStudy.org.
Good luck!

Oh-regarding the earth being flat… you’ve heard that joke that if the earth was flat, cats would be knocking things off the edge of it? Well, it’s no joke; we would. Which proves that the earth is round.
-Meow, Marcel🐾

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