An open letter to Adam Lanza

Disclaimer: yes I know the Newtown shooter cannot read this, yes I am going to say some angry things, but in light of the fact that myself, as well as many of my fellow Autists, did not take his route, I write this to speak, and condemn those responsible for this, including and especially him.

When you shot yourself, you probably realized that whatever pain you thought you were seeking revenge on was not going to be relieved. You were probably angry, after all, you just had your big moment, and you realized you were still the small, selfish boy you always were, and that not even selling what little soul you had was going to change that. Oh, I am sure you could probably sing songs of your pain, of whatever your mommy and daddy could not see, or how the masses never realized how much pain they caused you, intentionally or not.

I have news for you, there are many of us who walked that same damned path, many of us who could not even get care. I have to spend a big chunk of my SSI on a psychologist I can barely afford, yet whose services I need. I had a long,nasty string of broken jobs, and before I got diagnosed, I was the kid who was "so smart" yet always got fired. I went through the government route, being assigned to a therapist that seemed to get a sick pleasure in attacking the poor patients that became his little zoo of broken freaks. Your Mother got you care, granted, she, being a "survivalist" was also STUPID enough to teach you how to shoot rifles, buying into the right wing crap she probably heard on talk radio! However, all accounts say that she tried to get you help, and she sure got you that apartment in Hoboken. I grew up within walking distance of where you lived, and I could not afford to live there, neither would many of what this country calls the "mentally disabled."

I understand that we Aspies sometimes get so focused on a detail that we miss a bigger picture, well, you sure as hell missed the bigger one, one where you were just a small part of the canvas, where yes, we Aspies DO have empathy, perhaps so much so that we shut down just to keep our brain from overloading, but you, you not only ruined other's people's lives, not only ruined your own. By your act, you justified every time someone called you a freak, not because of how you were made, but because YOU CHOSE TO BECOME A MONSTER. Millions of us (and you know there ARE millions of us) deal with stress and pain that would have made your little brain wither like a rose in a winter frost, and even though we ARE hated, scorned, and misunderstood, we choose NOT TO BECOME the monster, even if out of sheer spite and pride! For all I know, I might end up on some street corner, dressed in rags and stinking of piss, but I know full well that whatever tatters my mind breaks into, I will never make your choice to become an egotistical little monster. Note I say little, for there is no grandeur you deserve, even in infamy!

And please do not think I exonerate what this nation calls "mental health", or the fact that guns are considered a sacrament, namely because this nation was founded by England's abused children that were told to take out their aggression on the natives, and send the gold back to London. The powers that be never want a "well regulated militia" but a bunch of fools they can abuse and use as fodder. Ask any solider in Iraq whose family had to attend a gun show, not to get some survivalist fetish/toy, but because Uncle Sam would not equip their own soldiers with working weapons and bullet proof vests! But frankly, this is about you, the last bit of attention you deserve and will get.

The atheist/agnostic/whatever in me knows there is no Heaven or Hell. As much as we wish to take life seriously, the universe does not take us very seriously at all. If there was a Heaven for those children, I would hope it would be a playground with friends, as that is the closest many of us get to Heaven anyway. if there was a Hell, I would hope you are forever in a schoolyard, getting laughed at and picked on, till the hyper cranked senses we aspies have scream for the relief we never get! I say this as someone who has been beaten to a bloody pulp in many a schoolyard, and who knows that schoolyards for those who are "different" can make Dante's inferno look like Disneyland. I would not wish this on my worst enemy, but I do for you.

Go out into the darkness that you chose, and whatever you sought that day, may you never find.

PS: To DU,please remember, even though our ability to express ourselves may be hindered, we Aspies do have empathy,and yes, we do feel pain, remember that when the media tries to offer some scapegoat/panacea, because while Adam sold his soul,most of us are fighting like hell for ours.