and my mom died this past May (my dad died when I was a kid). I like it when people mention them to me - I don't like it when I feel like I'm the only one who still misses them and it's good to know others remember them as well.

I think people usually appreciate it when you mentioned their loved ones - don't ever pretend like they never existed.

And I was not intimating otherwise.
I found that being able to talk of those lost was comforting to me.

During a most recent loss-I found that I wanted to talk about it.

But when it was so fresh, and so recent, it really did not matter what anyone said.
I was always thinking only of the person lost. I was not thinking about an insensitive comment from a believer or non-believer. It was irrelevant. I thought only of that person lost and how that closed certain doors for all time.

I guess the idea is--that we take ourselves too seriously when we worry about what we say or do when someone has lost a loved one.
They don't care-they are thinking only of that one thing.

What not to say:
One story I heard from hubby: His mother was estranged from her sisters b/c they became JWs and she didn't talk to them for 20 years. the sisters took care of her when she died. After the funeral one of the JW sisters said "I know you think that she's in Heaven. But she is in hell." The woman was told "Now is NOT the time to say anything."

Before hubby's mom died, she told her sisters they could come take care of her, she told them, "And keep your goddamned religion to yourself." That was in 1968.

luckily, when someone says something so full of batshittery as you describe(the sister's), anyone can discount as so much BS.

That's why they had to tell her to STFU.

to know what to say because like you said - nothing makes it better.

I generally try to mention what I really liked about the person who died - what made the person special in my opinion. Different people have different impressions and the grieving person ususally appreciates it. I think in grief we appreciate knowing our beloved is important to others too.

I have heard plenty of the Wrong things said though - mention of bad habits etc. That does make it worse.

This was in Tennessee or Kentucky.
The preacher was preaching the funeral, that the dearly departed was a sinner, a bad guy, was presently in Hell, etc.

So what did the family do?
They dragged him down the center aisle of the church, took him outside and beat the crap out of him.

That should happen more often.

A friend attended his father's funeral with his son. The father was a mean, crotchety guy his whole life. His last request was for a person to read something he wrote at his funeral. Turned out it was a list of all the people (relatives included) over his lifetime that he did not like and the reasons why.
The son noted that it was the weirdest funeral he had ever been to.