I have a black eye.
I got into a fight last night with this big fat bastard who was trying to break into my home. He got a shot in but I ended up kicking his ass and he ran away. I got the black eye after I slipped on the ice and slammed my temple into the corner of the car door. I must not have been the first home he broke into, as he left a big bag of stuff behind, presumably stolen from his other break ins. It was dark and I don't have a description, but I found traces of red cloth and white hair strands under my fingernails. Keep an eye out for this asshole.
Update:
I just heard from the Oneonta Police Department. that this EXACT kind of break in was reported many times last night and I was not the first. In fact many N.R.A members reported taking a few shots at this lunatic. I heard 1 person who said that "If I had a 30 round magazine I would have cut that sucker in half. But since I only had a 5 round mag all I ended up doing was shooting a few holes thru the walls of my kids bedrooms." Sad isn't it?
From UPI:
"According to recent reports from the O.P.D. "This is not a 'LONE' perpetrator, but the work of a TEAM", consisting of one man and one woman. The woman, apparently being a prostitute, as the main 'Person of Interest' in these break ins, was heard, multiple times, calling out for the help of his 'Ho' according to unconfirmed reports."
People just seem to go nuts during the Holiday Season. This incident has convinced me to join the NRA and buy a weapon to protect my home from unwanted intruders. And I hope the NRA pamphlet explains the difference between -an intruder- and -an unwanted intruder- because I would hate to draw down on the WRONG intruder. I could probably find the definition under a subtext if I looked up the difference between rape, and REAL rape, but I digest...invest...divest...uhmmm....wait..... digress...yeah that's it...DIGRESS.
Merry Christmas Everybody.
P.S. It sucks that I had to turn this bag of goods he left here over to the O.P.D. As I looked thru it before they arrived and I would have LOVED to own ALL the crap in the bag. It's almost like I ASKED for this stuff. How strange is that?
= new reply since forum marked as read
and explain he's talking of Santa
Maybe you'll get him next year. 
after I read the responses. I admit it, this humor was way over my head. I guess the giveaway was 'strips of red cloth and strands of white hair.' I was going to write stay from the NRA, they are poisoned kool-aid and they make their members drink, sooner or later. And then I read responses, and duh, it's a joke. Best cheer of the season to you.
EMERGENCY ROOM! You need to have your skull MRI'd. Don't dismiss head injuries!
Merry Christmas!
I guess all that stuff about a fat guy in red saying "ho" is pretty subtle. 
is coming to town. 
