for your response.. I am sure that I am in need of counseling as well.. Dealing with this for 8 years has taken a horrible toll on me.. I may have to just bite the bullet, and call the police..

I was married to an abusive alcoholic husband. I stayed for 14 years, 13 of which were abusive, physical and emotional. It is not easy to leave, but that in the end is your only answer. Counseling is necessary before you do anything. Check in your area for centers for abused women. I'm not going to lie to you and say it's going to be easy, it's not but if I can do it, anyone can. But you have to start. Once you start it will give you the strength to continue. And yes, start calling the police when any, repeat any violence starts. You are just getting it on record. I don't know if the response now from the police will be any better than when I went through it, but it's one of the first steps. Counseling, counseling, counseling. You can ask him if he will go to counseling with you, but if he is like my husband, he'll tell you that you are the one with the problem, not him. You can't change him, you can only change you, and in the process, help your children. Remember there is nothing you can do that will stop his violence toward you, it is not about you, it's about him. You are welcomed to e-mail me on DU. Good luck, you can do it, even though you might think you can't. Remember, yes you can!

I wouldn't want to advise you re. a borderline. Here, try this:

http://www.bpdcentral.com/store/index.php?_a=viewProd&productId=14

or this:

http://bpdfamily.blogspot.com/2011/01/better-book-than-stop-walking-on.html

and this:

http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=59843.0

Good luck.

-Laelth

I think he actually downloaded both of those books. He has been reading the 2nd one you listed. I just don't know if I have the will to try and make the relationship work.. He is getting the help he needs through the VA, but I feel as if I can't do it anymore.. Is that selfish? I feel like I haven't ever cared about myself until now..

In other words, you should read them, not your husband, although he might benefit from reading them as well.

The third link, the forum, may also prove useful to you.

Best wishes,

-Laelth

Borrow someones phone, or if you do use your own, insure that you delete all traces of the call. Leaving your husband can turn out to be a very dangerous process for you, get advice from professionals that deal with abused women and use the police to protect you and your children.

BDP , Codependency ,and DV all at once !Please get help ASAP . You need to get out, and not only for you but for your children as well. You should contact your local DV shelter, they will be able to help you. Reading what you wrote, it is safe to assume that you also need counseling as you have been mentally , emotionally and physically abused ; your children probably would be benefit for counseling as well as they have probably witnessed DV. You have to get out before things get more worse. Think on your children. Good Luck to you and I hope that you are not posting this from a computer that he has access to. If so, delete your history as well. Good luck. Sending you a big hug!

You say I should go to a DV shelter, but would I need to do that if I have a place to live? I understand the need for counseling (which I have no insurance for) but I figure my best option is making him leave my home.. His parents have offered to take him in, and see that he gets the help he needs, I just dread the whole ordeal of trying to get him out of the house.. I really don't want my children to see police come here.. I remember seeing police in my house when I was younger, and being so scared. (They were there because my mom was a drug addict, not because of domestic violence).. I may just have his parents come get him instead.. Why do I feel so bad that I am making him leave?? I feel like a horrible person! God, I am so afraid of him being hurt even worse..

Then - you get a restraining order removing him from the house and move back into it. They will remove him from the house without your children there. If he will leave, that would obviously be better. Is there someplace safe that you can put your kids while you talk to him (with another adult present for your own safety!!!)?

You can't be responsible for how he feels. He's an adult and has forced you to feel like it's your responsibility by belittling you all these years.

"Why do I feel so bad that I am making him leave?"
"I am so afraid of him being hurt even worse.."

How about you? And your children?

At the DV shelter, you will find support and helpful information that could help you; usually DV shelters offer free counseling and/or therapy. You could also look for non-profit organizations that offer mental health counseling , DV information, and CODA ( Codependency). You can read about this online, but listening to other's experiences, could be very healing.

You talked about his family, how about yours? Can you reach out to yours? How about friends?

Good Luck and be safe!

1?800?787?3224

They have folks available to talk to you 24/7. They can help you come up with an exit plan, including what legal options you have to protect yourself. If you need to leave with the kids temporarily, they can find a shelter.

I also recommend counseling, and they may be able to recommend someone nearby. Your husband is an adult, and as much as you may not want him to harm himself, your first obligation is to yourself and your children. Please take the steps you need to to be safe. Your children, and you, deserve a better life.

Please let us know how you are doing.

for this number.. I will try to call when I can.. I have to hide every damn thing I do..

That's my advice.

I left, taking my 3 daughters - aged 5, 2 and 11 months - with me. I was a complete mess emotionally by the time I left and thought that I deserved it. I only left because he started doing the same thing to my 5 year old daughter. She spilled her milk one night and he picked her up by her upper arms and shook her, yelling at her and calling her a clumsy b*tch. He dropped her, kind of hard and told her to clean up the f*cking mess. What scared me the most was her reaction to it - she didn't cry or scream at what he was doing. She tried to make him happy and calm him down. She apologized for making him angry. I knew in that instant that she had learned that from me - that she had learned to be a victim. I got her our when she was 5, but she had life-long scars and low self-esteem that she still has at 25.

Your sons will learn that behavior from him and will one day treat a woman the way he treats you. It is not your fault and you do not deserve it. You need to be safe and your children need to be safe. He needs to go and you need to get counseling so that you can feel less worthless and less deserving of his abuse. You can't be responsible for his threats to harm himself. That's manipulating you because you are a good person, telling you that you are responsible for the way he treats you. It works because of the 8 years of mental and physical abuse you've suffered. If he will not leave, first chance you get - get your sons and get out yourself. Get a restraining order to have him removed and keep him away from you.

My ex-husband was also diagnosed with a personality disorder, but I came to realize that he used that as an excuse for beating me. If he needs to get help, he needs to do it for himself. YOU are not responsible and you don't have to accept the abuse because he's been diagnosed with a personality disorder. There are MANY people out there with personality disorders that do not beat, belittle, humiliate and control their spouses.

More than anything - best of luck to you. I sincerely hope that you find peace and safety no matter what you decide - and more than anything I hope that you get the help that you need to know in your heart that YOU are not worthless and you don't deserve this.

(by the way - my ex-husband said that if I left him, I would always be alone because no man would have a fat, ugly b*tch like me, especially with all those "f*cking girls" tagging along. 6 years after I left him, I married an amazing man who loved me and loved my daughters as if they were born to him (my ex-husband got no visitation). He allowed me to be free, trusts me and makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world - even though I'm currently 5 months pregnant with twins and look HUGE. Don't let you husband tell you that no one will ever want you...that's just him playing on your fears)

sound exactly the same.. I do need to do this for my children.. I can already tell that my 2yr old is scared when he hears us arguing.. I always try to go in the basement when we are having a fight, but sometimes he will just start yelling, and my youngest will just cover his ears constantly.. I feel like a horrible mother.. They deserve better than this, and it's my fault because I have let this go on far too long.. I am definitely NOT leaving my house.. He is going to the courthouse with me this week to get his name off of the deed (this was how I negotiated him staying) because I am not letting him try to get my house.. My parents paid for this house.. It's just hard because I don't have a friend that can come over, and help me get him out, so unfortunately I will have to depend on his parents. It may be a better idea that way, because he won't go as crazy if they were here..

See, what scares my husband is that he feels he doesn't deserve me, and he knows deep down, I could find someone better than him in a heartbeat. He has never talked down my appearance, so I think this fear adds to his paranoia of me leaving the house, and having my own life..

I am very happy that you were successful in ending your abuse.. I hope I have the courage to be successful as well..

YOU have to leave that house. YOU and the kids.

Please understand that the most dangerous time for a victim of domestic violence is when your abuser realizes he has lost control of you.

When that realization hits him, the violence escalates.

At least for a time, you have to put your safety and the safety of your children above your house and your convenience.

You won't lose your home, and it will, eventually, be safe to return. But, understand that your abuser is a very violent man and his parents, nor anyone else, will be able to control him. Think about it.....if his parents could control him, he wouldn't BE an abuser.

When my father was served with divorce papers, he held us at gunpoint. We are only alive because the firing pin failed on the gun.

Just please pick up that phone and call the Domestic Violence hotline. Right. Now!

You are not a bad mother, it's not your fault, you will not lose your house, but you need to get out and be safe. If you have no one that can help you, then reach out to the closest Domestic Violence Shelter. They have the resources to help you and protect you. They can support you through getting the restraining order and getting him out of the house.

I ended up getting the house and a restraining order when I left my ex-husband, but it was not safe staying there. It's far better to sell the house and get yourself to an undisclosed location. It's harder when you have children. Like Glitterai said further down the thread, my 5 year old daughter told my ex-husband where we had moved to (she had no idea) and, in the end, the ONLY way I could be safe and protect my children was to press charges and put him in jail (I didn't want my daughters to blame me for putting their father in jail, but he got quite desperate after I left and stalked me for a year or so.) Long story short - after a couple more incidents of violence after I'd left, I pressed charges. He got 6 years for beating me and served 3.

The 3 years that he was in jail allowed me to get free, to go to school and to get myself and my daughters into counseling.

He doesn't deserve you if he's going to hit you and control your movements.

a PM in response to another thread you posted in (before seeing this one) Below is another link and please watch the TED video posted in #4. You DO have friends... many women (and men) understand and will help in what way they can. Do not feel guilty, do not think that you can help your husband; he must do that on his own and if he harms himself, it is not your fault!!!!!! Take care of yourself and children first. Do not be afraid of being alone... Hugs


http://nwalsafeplace.org

I am 35 years old and I suffer from the memories of my parents' disastrous marriage. Thankfully I have a good marriage, but it's been a painful struggle since adolescence.

was that I took a good hard look into the future knowing full well that the abuse would never stop, and that it would get worse, because It had already gotten progressively worse.

Imagine spending the rest of your life living in that place of terror, not knowing when he'll hit you again, or when he'll actually choke you to death. And at what point will your boys say or do something that will start a lifetime of beatings for them? Take a good hard look because it will save your life and your children's lives.

There is a lot of help for you if you just reach out. He will never stop the abuse, but you can.

I have heard "I promise, I will get better" so many times.. Now that he has this diagnosis, It makes me feel even worse for him, because I honestly have no idea what it feels like in his head.. I also don't know if he uses this diagnosis as an excuse to do what he wants.. I am torn really.. Either way, I do need to get him out of my life..

Leaving an abusive relationship is not easy. It happens over time. It is a process, not a one time event. Somewhere I read that women leave their partners four times before leaving for good.

Also, thinking has changed and some researchers support finding safe ways for women to stay in relationships (that meet the definition of abuse)

Get in touch with a domestic violence agency. Most advocate taking small steps like gathering together your important documents and placing them (or copies) with a friend or someplace outside where you live. This is a process take small steps and see how you feel and weather you are ready to take several more small steps. (Obviously, do not tell your husband about these small steps.)

I think you need to get out and clear your head for a few months to a few years. Counseling and supportive environments are called for.

I have been trying to leave me house more often, just to clear my head.. I have to come up with excuses to go out, but I told him, that If I have to leave for a while, I am going to do it, and he just has to deal with it.. He has never let me have a life of my own, so I have been sheltered in my home for so long, and sometimes it is hard for me to even feel comfortable leaving..

predicated on physical and emotional abuse it is not healthy. I think at this point it is time to stop worrying about his feelings and consider your physical and emotional health as goal number one.

Well meaning advice can be disastrous, so please, contact an agency in your area with professionals whom you can reach 24/7 if you need help.

Good luck to you. You know what has to be done, now you just need to find the safest way to go about it.

Saved money in a bank account for 8 months, put some furniture on lay-away, signed a lease on a studio apartment, and hired movers to come help me on a weekend he was out of town. I didn't tell him, and I didn't give him my new address or phone.

He told me I was fat, stupid, and lazy. It's been 13 years since I left him. This year I will be celebrating my 8th wedding anniversary with a man who thinks I am the best thing since sliced bread and who has never once so much as spoken unkindly to me during an argument, and I will be defending my doctoral dissertation in a few months.

Nevertheless, the damage from the emotional abuse is still there under the surface. It changed me as a person. I always wish I had left sooner, before he was able to hurt me so much.

Every woman who has been in the situation you describe sees herself in your post, and they know where you are emotionally right now. Just get out. Every day that passes is more dangerous for you emotionally and physically, and it's one less day you have to live the rest of your life as a autonomous, happy human being instead of some asshole's plaything. I know it's impossible to see this truth right now, but life DOES NOT HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS. Not everybody lives this way. Most people in relationships treat one another with love and respect, and they don't yell or hit or contemptuously demean their partners. Seriously, just leave. Make plans, keep yourself safe, don't tell him anything, just get out.

I had to try to leave a few times before I got it right, he had the car in such a state that it wouldn't go more than a few miles without breaking down. I stayed in a shelter one night to make him see I was serious about him getting help, to no avail. His family tried to talk him down, my family didn't know how bad it was....

"Every woman who has been in the situation you describe sees herself in your post, and they know where you are emotionally right now. Just get out. Every day that passes is more dangerous for you emotionally and physically, and it's one less day you have to live the rest of your life as a autonomous, happy human being instead of some asshole's plaything."

AMEN
The day I left, I had not planned...just started packing when he left for work in the morning (after screaming at me in the driveway in front of the neighbors), and was out the door as he returned from work.
I left in 2004 with two babies (7mos & 20 mos) on my hips and a VERY disturbed 11 yr old who was broken from witnessing the abuse (even if he was in his room hiding, he heard everything...rape included. He is 20 now and still has LOTS of anger issues...) It took sheltering for a couple months while CPS watched us to make sure I was not going back to him. Got HUD for help with a house and moved every year for five years just to be sure... I did counseling, but had to change people a few times and also got involved with a church for support. It took two years before I was even READY to try and get a job, and I only held it for a year... I still have trouble with certain types of people, phrases, jokes and even movies. Had my first PTSD relapse from a trigger in my english class, and was back in that fight or flight place for about a day....my family and new BF were shocked to see me as such an emotional basket case (and to think I lived like that for YEARS). The scars stick, but life CAN and DOES get better.

It takes resolve, it takes strength that you may not realize you have. do it for your kids...don't let the damage seep into their little psyches any more than it already has.
Yes, I felt the guilt and sorrow for 'destroying' him and his life... I HAD to report him because it was a moral imperative he was a danger to others in my mind... for lots of reasons. But I had to think about US and our survival and healing had to be First Priority...even though it was sad.

Your survival and the mental health of you and your kids is so important. STAY SAFE and start looking at your options.!

This has been a learning thread for me.

My heart goes out to you bama_blue_dot

this is precisely the type of situation that ends in tragedy. you and your children are in DANGER. leave yourself if you cannot persuade him to do so.
when you end the relationship make sure you have help close by. but do, do end the relationship.
do you have family? swallow your pride, forget feeling humiliated. ask for help.
this is a life changing time for you and your children. please keep us posted. and please get out. now.
if you think there is a chance that you can stay safely in the home, wait until he is gone and change all the locks. be ready to call 911 and be prepared to press charges if you must. gather the proof that the place is yours. but you may not be able to stay there and stay alive. choose to stay alive.
my daughter was killed, run over by a car. i attended counseling for years with loved ones of homicide victims. most were drive by shootings (this was in los angeles), but others were domestic violence. most of the families had never really believed he would kill her. but he did. maybe the women themselves never really believed he would kill her. but he did. you may believe he would never really kill you. but he could.
get out. please.

I am going tomorrow to get his name off the deed, so basically his name is on nothing.. He has agreed to do this, because I told him if we got divorced, I wouldn't bother him for child support. Plus, he knows he didn't put a dime into this house.. I can prove abuse, since I have photos, but I rather get his name taken off the easier way. Obviously I would change the locks, and get a restraining order.. Just wish I had a friend to help me get him out when that time comes.. Don't want the kids to see police in my house.. That is a traumatizing experience..

and you do have friends. contact the domestic violence hotline. no matter what he says - for instance, okay, i will leave - you have to know that he could go off on you when push comes to shove.
best of luck to you. i was in a relationship with a man who is borderline (my diagnosis - he will never get help) for one year. i saw my self change in that environment. it took two days in a motel room with my then-6-year-old before he left my apartment. but i am alive, and i am myself. fortunately we never married and had no children together.
do reach out, please! people want to help. let them help you.
so you do have family - maybe someone could come out to help you. if they don't know how bad your home life is it is time to let them know. like i said, people want to help, let them help you.
your life is going to be so much better when you are free of this man.

I don't even know what it feels like to have friends anymore.. So, I'm not use to asking for help.. My parents know about the situation, and they agree that it's best to get him out of my life. It's just a matter of one of them (preferably my father) coming here to help me out.. I know if my father had to come here, he would beat his ass..

and domestic violence often escalates to a critical, sometimes fatal, point when the abuser realizes he's lost all control. You'll want someone there to help.

than by the act of their father beating their mother.

Nothing is worse. Nothing is more frightening. Nothing is more heartbreaking for your children.

Trust me, they know exactly what is happening and they live in abject fear that they are next.

I know. I was the child of an abuser. I lived it.

every time he beat her (which was often, for any reason) that she wouldn't leave him; that he would find her and kill her and us kids.

And, he set out to fulfill that promise the night he held us at gunpoint.

We were in hiding; had rented an apartment, had a restraining order, visitation with him was supervised. But, on one of those visitations, he took us to the zoo and on the way we passed our apartment and I told him "that's where we live, Daddy." He came back armed at 4:00 in the morning.

I was four.

the OP needs to know that the danger is real.

edited because my mind races faster than my fingers.

for putting us in that danger - even as an adult.

I was four. He was my father. I didn't know it was wrong to tell him where we lived.

My mother was just trying to protect us from the violence and wanted him to be a part of our lives. She tried, but eventually we moved to another state, we changed our names and we lived our lives without ever seeing that monster again.

She always told us that what happened was between him and her and if, as adults, we wanted to look him up we could with her blessing. But, as children it was her responsibility to keep us from danger and he proved he was a dangerous man.

I never saw him again; didn't want to. He's dead now.

and drunk.

I didn't have kids.
What about your folks, can they help you.
Stop fighting him physically and threatening suicide - that is abuse to your kids.
My mom threatened suicide many times...it fucks up kids to hear that shit.

lives in New York.. My mother is moving down here in a few months. Actually right next door to me. I am afraid I can't wait that long though.. Plus, I have one male friend, and if he knew I asked him for help, it would cause huge problems..

Oy bama blue dot - my heart goes out to you.

It's not easy leaving...please make sure there are no guns in the home. Your mother is a brave woman - but this could make matters worse. I remember my ex always running to my mom and she was back and forth...feeling bad for me, bad for him. He'd cry and she would call me and say, isn't there anyway you two can work it out! His mother who never liked me would plead with me too. Non stop drama is a terrible situation.

How can you leave if your mother is going to move next door?

Sounds like it's time to call an agency and get some professionals to intervene.

Please stop with the suicide talk...

Once everything is situated I will just call his parents to come get him.. They already said they will take him out of here in a heartbeat, if they think he is a danger to the children.. Hate to go that route, because I hate his parents, but in this situation, they may just be my saving grace..

start planning his exit with them.

I think it's great they are willing to step up and take responsibility for their adult child and their grandchildren. Don't wait
for the next punch or slap...you're in danger, which means the kids are in danger.

When I was a kid and I babysat for a couple with one sweet little boy. They seemed such a nice couple, both worked for the state university.

They moved away and shortly thereafter we got the news that he beat her to death. He probably did not mean to do so. Their son lost both parents in one day. A brilliant woman who did not know how to stop it and had no one to help, lost her life.

Here is the Alabama hotline: 1-800-650-6522.

National hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

Use these phone numbers to talk to someone, probably someone who understands.

for the number! I am definitely going to contact someone today.. Without him knowing, obviously..

Get out.

I keep reading that there are ways to manage it, and I think I could have wanted to try, if it wasn't for the physical abuse..

She refused to seek treatment.

Extremely condensed version: I caught her in a suicide attempt, called 911, and the police took her in to the county psychiatric lockup. It took her 10 days to talk her way out. She continued to deny that she was trying to kill herself. But by then her lies weren't fooling anyone. I terminated the relationship, and broke off all contact.

Seven weeks later she was dead.

Your situation is different because there are children involved. The physical abuse is unacceptable regardless of your husband's diagnosis. For your own safety, and for that of your children, you need to get out.

Treating BPD takes years. There may be no improvement at all for a long, long time, and that's if he agrees to treatment and sticks with it and really applies himself.

Pardon the edits and sloppy typing. It's been over a year since she died, I've gotten much better, but it still upsets me to think about it.

ETA, hopefully the final edit:

One thing I learned about 25 years ago, from a therapist, is what I call the Oxygen Mask Rule.

He asked me if I knew why flight attendants tell airline passengers to put the mask on themselves first, and then help others.

I knew the right answer. My therapist told me that only about 10% of his clients got it right.

Please think about that. You need to save yourself in order to save yourself, AND your children.

I am sorry.. Every damn time he threatens to kill himself, I feel like it will be my fault if he does.. He has such a stranglehold on my emotions.. I mean, who the hell wants to think they would be responsible for someone's suicide? I am so afraid of being alone.. I feel like I wouldn't be able to make it through this on my own..

You MUST break free and not allow yourself to be pulled into that trap.

If he kills himself it will NOT be your fault!

I am so afraid of being alone.

Please take my advice from real experience: Being alone is a lot better than being with the wrong person.

I'm 55. I was married for 10 years, have been divorced for 13 years, and have been alone for most of that time.

That is #1! #2. You only have 1 life, live it, leave this controlling SOB b/c he WILL NEVER CHANGE!!!

He doesn't realize how good he has had it for all these years.. I have done everything for him. My family has helped him financially as well.. I have such low self esteem, and if I didn't, it would've been much easier for me to leave years ago..

Your kids WILL end up like their father and believe your family life is normal. They cannot do anything about it, so you must!

here. You know what you have to do.

I am concerned that he might see this thread. Do what you think is necessary to insure he doesn't see this.

probably your best bet right now. They can help you find the local DV shelter and local agencies that can help.


In the mean time, if you haven't already, start putting together an emergency leaving bag... clothes, extra meds if any, cash, important papers (insurance, drivers licenses, auto reg, list of important numbers) for you and your kids. Hide that bag away from him at a place you know he'll never look, at a neighbor's if you have to. Like someone upthread said, YOU must leave. YOU must remove yourself and your kids first. You have a big asset since the house is in your name. Use it to your advantage. You can always go back.

You've already done one of the hardest things... admit that his behavior isn't going to change and that your future will look very much like the present if you stay.

I was married to a BP for nine years, we were together for ten. He was verbally and psychologically abusive. I left before he turned violent. I am sorry that you have been physically abused. He tried controlling me, but was inept at it. So I know the craziness of which you speak. You're a saint one minute and evil incarnate the next. Sometime in our fifth year, I began to realize that the arguments we were having weren't just run of the mill relationship disagreements. He also threatened suicide. I decided it was time to leave when I found myself not caring if he did or not.

That was in 1995. I now have a lovely home with a mate who adores me and treats me like the beautiful human that I am. I was also alone for a good chunk of time because I needed to be. I needed to explore what MY needs, MY likes/dislikes, My desires were before I found the right person. And even when I did, I had to think seriously if I was ready to take on caring for another person again. I had grown to love my own company and was reluctant to change it. I am not trying to imply it's all smooth sailing after you leave. It isn't. But it IS very much more peaceful and you can think clearly about what you need, then act on it without impediment from someone who needs more help, professional help, than you can provide.

You may not be able to do much today, this being Sunday, but get your to do list together for tomorrow and the following days. You're about to be your own, and your childrens', BEST HERO!!


edit: Add to the leaving bag: a new pay as you go cell phone, or at least a different one that he doesn't know about. Prepaid debit card would be good too. You can find both in any drugstore or dollar store (Modern tools, eh?) Forgot to say, it's not totally required but to think about places to go to when you leave. Let it be someplace you've never mentioned or perhaps a distant relative. The more obscure to him the better.

edit 2: My point with all the preplanning is, just having a plan will make you feel more secure and confident in your dealings with him from now on. And the less thinking you have to do "in the moment" of leaving, the better off you'll be.

if I leave my house, and he is living in it? I don't want him having control of my house when I'm not there.. I much rather have him removed from my home.. I shouldn't have to be put out because of his behavior.. I can get a restraining order, and change locks.. After I get his name off the deed, I can have the police remove him, and he will have no recourse..

To reaffirm my decision, and to know other's experiences as well.. I will definitely be calling to get more detailed advice..

always. A house, while it is a big deal, is a thing. As such it's not more important than the well-being of the humans in it.

And while we're on the subject, you need a good lawyer. If not, find one pronto. S/he can help you with the house issues and divorce.

You need a lawyer who is familiar with the laws of Alabama to tell you if that is, in fact, true. If you are married, in some states, it doesn't matter if his name is on the deed or not when you are married. I do not know if Alabama is one such state.

Waiting to get his name off the deed and then having the police remove him... may not go the way you want it to. Your safety and that of your children is more important than this house.

dead.

First off, my heart aches reading this thread, and I wish you and the kids the best.

NOW...

You might not be able to "evict" him instantly like that. If he has proof of residency (mail addressed to him there, utilities in his name, address listed on driver's license, etc.), it could become, in effect, a landlord-tenant situation where he has certain rights himself. But the rules might be different in a DV situation. I'm just saying to make sure you know your rights and his.

I'd plan to leave temporarily anyway, then tell him to get fock out of your house and stay out. If he leaves that day, AWESOME! But don't go back until he moves out.

It's only a house. YOU are much more important.

and advice! At least I feel like I am making the right decision.. Also, thank you to whoever gave me the heart!! If I had $$$ I would buy some for everyone!

You've been given a lot of good compassionate advice...take it...You're children's lives and yours could depend on you. Also you could be helping him too by saving him from doing something horrible and spending the rest of his life in jail. Good luck!

there is great advice on this thread and I hope you follow whichever is appropriate for you and your kids.

It is not surprising (but it is still incredibly heartbreaking) to see so many people's personal stories on this thread. I hope their strength and experience can help you find what you need to get out of this nightmare.

Rebuilding self-esteem and courage after abuse seems impossible but I believe you can do it. YOU DESERVE BETTER!!

Good luck fwiw.

I would assume that he might have a key logger thing attached to the computer you use, and if he does, anything you type here isn't secure, even if you delete it. Just to play it safe, I would make sure you aren't disclosing any specific plans or locations you might go to on a forum, in email, etc, even if you are deleting your history.

I think you are better off using the phone to make plans. Even better if you can borrow a friend's phone so there's no record on yours. Or have your parents make arrangements for someone to come get you - and not in a few months, and not with your mother living next door. Or if you out running errands, tell someone the situation and ask to use a phone - have the kids with you and be prepared to leave right then with no warning. There's nothing in the house you need more than a stable environment for your children.

Leaving is going to be incredibly hard. And 5 years from now, you are going to be SO glad you did.

Your sons are learning from their father that this is how to treat a spouse. Get your husband out of there, and get yourself and your kids into some therapy. Would you let a friend be treated this way?

You might have to call the police. Good luck and strength to you.

That's the only advice that DU is qualified to offer.

please, for your safety and the safety of your children seek help immediately. You don't know when the situation will torn ugly again or how bad it's might get. I'll being thinking of you.

As you can see you have a lot of friends on DU. If you have to leave, even though it's your house, do it. You can get back into your house when he leaves. That's what happened to me and ours was jointly owned, but I was the only one working, ex was too busy drinking to hold a job. You have more friends than you realize. You are in my prayers.

...but I won't sugarcoat it either. You do need to get out of this situation, and you need to do it sooner rather than later.

The thing that finally made me get out of an abusive situation was knowing that if I did not, I was sending a message to my children that such behavior is acceptable. Sending that message will ensure that your children will be accepting of abuse and/or will engage in abuse themselves. So assuming you would survive the abuse to see them grow to adulthood, how will you feel if (when) you find out that one of your own is enduring such a relationship, or (possibly worse) being the abuser in such a relationship? If you leave, and don't ever accept that kind of action from anyone else, you will be teaching them to take care of themselves better and to be better, more loving people.

You and the boys should also get family counseling once you have left, not just to deal with the trauma of divorce but more to deal with the scars from the abusive family environment.

You should know that he will abuse the boys too if he has not already. Until one of them is big enough to strike back. Then who knows what hell will transpire.

I know there are hundreds of seemingly good, rational reasons why you can't leave right now. There's the fact that it's your house, not his, so why should you be the one to leave? And how could you handle it financially? There's the fact that you still love some part of him, and hope he'll get better. There's the fact that right now is a bad time because (fill in the blank).

Only you can make the decision of when and how to leave. The reason I think you are the one who should leave is that with his record of violence, and with him knowing where you live, you will never feel safe. We all know that restraining orders aren't worth anything when it comes to prevention, because all they do is allow you to have him jailed after the fact -- but by then it may be too late.

You say you have no friends. That is one of the classic elements of being trapped in an abusive situation: the abuser makes sure that their spouse is isolated. Reach out to someone at work, preferably another woman. Feel her out before letting out the details of what you're going through. Or call a hotline and talk to someone there. Don't use your cell phone since obviously your husband is monitoring you as much as he can. But do reach out until you have someone you can talk to in person. You do need support, and you do need to hear other people's stories so you know you are not alone in dealing with this kind of thing.

After that you need to really map it out in your head, in detail, how you are going to leave. If you don't have your own bank account, save a few dollars and open one without him knowing about it. Then one day when you have figured out exactly when you are moving, or exactly when you will get a restraining order and throw him out, have your work begin to direct deposit your paycheck into your own account.

The most dangerous time for a woman in this situation is right when you kick him out or move yourself. It's when the abuser feels wounded and wants to strike back. So if you do decide to stay in your house, maybe you should consider being away with the boys for a month or three, staying with family or friends. Look up old friends on Facebook if you need to (again, you may need to do this at work, if it's allowed to do a little browsing now and then -- you obviously cannot do it on your own computer or hubby will find out).

My heart goes out to you. Please know that you are not as helpless as you think you are. You can take action. It will not be instant, but the situation will NOT get better because he does not have any consequences for his behavior. It's that simple. You MUST find a way to change your situation and get out from under.

When you have gotten out, know that your boys will act out, and you will need help with that also. It will not be all roses. The effects of abuse linger, and divorce really is hard on kids, even when the alternative is worse. So be prepared to deal with more unpleasantness in your life, but know that you are doing the right thing, and set your own rules early on in your new life, and try to muster every parenting skill you've ever acquired.

Eventually, your boys will see what's what and who's who in their lives. You do need to talk to them about why you left (or kicked him out), but you don't need to belabor their father's faults. All will become evident to them without your needing to spell it out.

Finally: make it happen sooner rather than later. My biggest regret is how long I waited to act, because the divorce was much harder on my children than it would have been had I done it 5 years sooner.

Good luck and blessings to you.

So was I. And then my husband died (he was not abusive, but he was my life), and I learned that I could be alone. You CAN do this.

You will find your way.

You really need to speak with professionals.

I love DU, but I know of no one here qualified to help you in all of this.

You have all the support I can give.

Take care of yourself.

One more question: Does he hit the children?

Don't wait. Call the Alabama hotline number that has been provided for you above RIGHT NOW!! You can not stay there with those children one more night without talking to some one that can tell you what is right for you. Please call today!

We have more power than we think we do. Sorry for your troubles, good luck.

If you can, find a safe place to go. Leave and then deal with what you have to---away from him. Get help, stay safe.

Louise (the ex-wife) was involved in one horrid situation after another, and all I can tell you, is that it's very hard to explain what it's like to those who haven't experienced a relationship with untreated BPD. Once I start explaining what it was like, it's like the story goes on and on and on without end.

While this is typical of an abused spouse, unless you wake up and take action, nothing will change. In fact, it will get much worse. You don't like your husband's parents, so you are reluctant to take them up on their offer to get him out of your house. You won't go to a shelter because you don't want to leave your husband in your house. You don't want to call the police because your kids MIGHT be there when they show up to haul him away.

All these excuses are totally bogus. Your concerns can easily be dealt with. Maybe you don't really want to leave the relationship. You need to get honest about this. You have discussed how you came from an abusive family yourself. Perhaps this situation is subconsciously comfortable to you, which is why you refuse to leave.

Your husband is responsible for the abuse he has inflicted on you and your children. But you are responsible for not taking action to end the abuse. Sorry to be blunt, I know you are suffering, but this is a fact. If something happens to your kids because you haven't done anything to protect them, you are victim no longer. You are enabling the perpetrator. Please think about this.

THAT'S GOOD because I'm hoping she has deleted this thread so her husband can't see it. I hope all is going well today and I hope she'll get back to us soon and let us know how's it going so we can stop worrying.

I have been busy all day cleaning my house.. I have been trying to keep myself busy, or I will go insane.. I have talked to my father, and he is going to be traveling here within the next couple weeks, so I will hopefully have everything resolved by then..

who witnessed and experienced abuse to another, here's my advice:

1. Get out. Now.

2. Get a restraining order. Immediately. If you haven't documented and charged him with assault in the past, start now.

3. Get yourself, and your children, into counseling. Immediately. Keep yourselves there until your issues and your husbands issues are resolved in a healthy way, and until your children are grown.

4. Get a lawyer. Fight for full custody.

I hope your husband stays in therapy and finds a way to function safely and appropriately. You owe yourself and your kids a healthy environment, and healthy relationships. You don't owe him.