The Onion's Tips For Not Accidentally Murdering Your Girlfriend
In today’s fast-paced world, it seems like just about any guy can accidentally kill his girlfriend at virtually any time. Here are some easy strategies to avoid inadvertently murdering your significant other:
Be sure to avoid firing a gun in the general direction of your girlfriend, regardless of the situation.
Shy away from doing anything that may cause your girlfriend a massive amount of blood loss, such as beating her, stabbing her, or shooting her multiple times.
Consider performing a task that has a low risk of accidentally murdering your girlfriend, like giving her flowers, taking her to dinner, or letting her continue living and breathing.
Remain generally cognizant of the fact that three gunshots to the head and torso will, in most situations, fatally wound a person, and that this fact will, therefore, likely apply to your girlfriend as well.
If there is a locked door in your home and there is even a remote possibility that the person you’re currently dating is behind that door and could be immediately killed by the bullets you fire at the door, try not to fire a gun directly at that door.
http://www.theonion.com/articles/the-onions-tips-for-not-accidentally-murdering-you,31359/
= new reply since forum marked as read
I like that. 
Olympic sprinter Oscar Pistorius crushed his girlfriend’s skull with a cricket bat before shooting her dead, police have told her family...
But grieving relatives who saw her body before Tuesday’s cremation in Port Elizabeth described horrific injuries from the cricket bat, and entry wounds from 9mm bullets fired by Pistorius...
In a sworn affidavit read to the bail hearing in Pretoria magistrates’ court last week, Pistorius claimed that he used the bat to break down the toilet door after the shooting, saying he had not realised his girlfriend was in the bathroom...
Last week the prosecution did not mention any details about the bat and the role they believe it played in Reeva’s death, opting not to disclose their case against Pistorius. But to secure bail, Pistorius’s legal team had to detail his defence, which included why he had a blood-spattered cricket bat in his possession on the fatal night.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2283507/Horrified-family-told-Pistorius-DID-beat-Reeva-cricket-bat-shown-extensive-head-injuries.html?ICO=most_read_module
Hopefully folks will learn from the Onion...
