aka its regarded as being common.

goes back to the 4th century, or so I've read.

I think it is a good idea, because:
(1) The Dead can't defend themselves, and even a just attack on a defenseless person is wrong.
(2) No matter how self made a bastard a person might be, almost all people have some who think well of them, even love them, and why hurt a living person.
(3) The best revenge on the dead is to outlive them. The cold comfort of that revenge is that like all living humans, I will be outlived by someone who considers me an asshole.

Part of what is impolite is the dead can't refute the criticism and it could bring pain to a loved one. That being said I have been a jerk sometimes about my expired ex husband. I also have a friend, who was married to a selfish self centered type, who sings his praises to the moon. It's phoney and irritating. I'd prefer she were honest, but oh, well.

As the first poster said, doing so at a funeral is vulgar.

No one, however, is obligated to pretend a dead person was a saint. I don't see many people looking for the good in Hitler or Stalin.

If you want to make someone look like an asshole, do it while they are still alive. If you wait until after they are dead, you just get people wondering why you waited till they had passed away.

In my mother's case, her step-mother was a Bad Person who left explicit instructions after her death which were intended to hurt and cause pain. Those who knew the woman only as "Nana" automatically blamed the estrangement on "ungrateful children" instead of "abusive parenting."

Sometimes it isn't safe until the abuser is dead.

In the abusers minds the abused are to blame, unfortunately the abusers minds are confused. Shitty situation all around and I don't have any good answers.

As Agnosticsherbet says, the best revenge is out-living them.

They were actually awful people. I can understand partially why they were horrible. I don't think I have to forgive them though, some things just aren't in that realm.

it is ok to speak ill of them. But, not of abusive and negligent parents. My problem isn't with my parents per se, it is with my siblings and the rest of my family. My siblings do nothing but sing the praises of my parents and I just want to scream at them. It is actually quite common among abused children. I am the nut in the family for seeing them for what they were.

It helps to separate oneself from the blanket the abuser tries to keep over you. After recognizing my mother as a borderline personality, after her death, I was able to identify what were her preconceived notions of who I was and who I really am.

If you can figure the abuser out, there is support.

I really don't see anything positive about turning a funeral into a group therapy meeting where everyone speaks their truth about the dead. The potential for it to end up hurting those attending is significant.

Not everything needs to be spoken.

Oh, and Orson Scott Card is not someone I'd take advice from, whether it's in the form of a story or anything else.

before it was an issue, and was using the idea as a discussion point for catharsis.

You said "Not everything needs to be spoken." Right now, our custom is that "nothing bad will be spoken."

I am bringing it up for discussion; and yes, there is potential for pain - and maybe healing?

the dead abused them or cheated on his/her spouse or whatever. That is not a route for healing. Funerals are not the place for working through one's issues with the deceased.

Yes of course we all know it's not "polite". Just like it's apparently "polite" to bless people who sneeze even though no-one outside of an asylum believes in the underlying reason for the blessing. The two are united in their utter baselessness and iron normative grip.

The shallow thinker will immediately whine that dismissing this for the bullshit it is implies that one would prefer to walk into funerals of people they disliked and say "he was an annoying dumb leech", thus offending those who did like him. In the real world it simply means you don't go to the funeral, and respond with your critique only when necessary. There is no point in seeking out opportunities to offend, but there is no point lying about how George was a great guy either just because he's dead. If asked my opinion, or drawn into a conversation about person X, I will give my same honest opinion whether X is alive or dead. I'm not going to go in for pointless vitriol unless detail is requested. There are many "polite" ways to express a negative opinion.

To my mind the smarmy liars who change their opinion of a person depending on the latter's vital signs are far more "disrespectful", and of far more important matters than an individual's post-mortem whitewashing.

EDIT: the truth-teller role has some merit, just not sure how necessary it is. Don't see much point in digging up dirt unless requested. There is a difference between not speaking false praise and looking for reasons to critique unasked.

DO NOT feel guilty that you are glad that he is gone.
(my fundy repuke father n law)

I won't go out of my way to be unnecessarily cruel regarding someone recently deceased, but neither will I suddenly find nice things to say about someone loathsome just because they've snuffed it. (When Margaret Thatcher finally shuffles off this mortal coil, for instance? My reaction will probably be "good, and I hope it was painful".)

the truth only hurts the one's who spend their whole lives denying it.

since they are not here to defend themselves. However, just because they are dead doesn't mean the relationship has ended. The pain, the trouble, the misery, and general assholery that the dead caused still continues on for the victim.

Maybe we should out abusive parents when they start doing the damage, instead of tiptoeing around it and pretending it isn't really happening.

-- Mal

Oh hell yeah!

Your feelings are just as valid as anyone else's.

Don't go out of your way to spread your message. But if it comes up, be honest about your experiences.

There may be others who feel exactly the way that you do, and they might be feeling isolated, and afraid to tell their truth as well.

Don't try to change anyone else's impression, but don't pretend to like some one you don't like, even if they are dead.

If you don't want to upset a fragile relative, then maybe say nothing. You don't want to force some one to defend this person more than necessary. Their defense will reflect only their experience, just as your impressions are based on yours.

Lots to it. Veneration of the dead is certainly an important part of our identity as a species. I suspect this is connected with the argument that religion emerged because the harsh and violent environment our ancestors lived in selected for it, probably because of the group cohesion it encouraged. Tighter groups outperformed less tight groups and got more genes into subsequent generations.

I'll bet the respect accorded the dead is tied in with this. Knowing that you will be treated well after death is an incentive for cooperation when you are alive. This can mean spiritual stuff like having the community's help to a good afterlife (funerals, monuments), but also practical things like inheritance. Knowing that your wishes will be respected after death (children/family taken care of, etc.) is a good incentive, especially from a genetic perspective where it's all about your offspring.

you must not need to say it so badly now that they're dead.

On the other hand, if you were saying it all along, no need to be quiet just because someone croaked.

represent a wide range of information about the deceased. Even some who disliked the dead person intensely may show up. Yet, we tend not to spend much time on the negative about the one who is gone. Why is that?

Part of it is because each and every one of us has done things that hurt others in some way. Even if not intentionally, there are bound to be those who could tell a negative story about the person who has died or about us. And yet, of what benefit is that? I think there is little to no benefit in detailing all of the ways a person has failed to live up to high standards during his or her life, once that person is dead.

While some might say, "Yeah, that SOB was never worth a damn," others might say, "I don't understand what that person is saying. He or she was always very good to me and treated me well."

So, what is served by detailing the negative? Nothing, I think. For those who were treated badly by the dead person, the details of that being spoken at a funeral or memorial service will not and cannot undo the harm. So, it really serves no valid function, it seems to me.

I would say that only those people who have led uniformly exemplary lives should be allowed to detail negative information about the deceased. Let those people speak, if you can find any among those in attendance. Who among us does not have something in our past that we would rather went undiscussed? I can't think of any among my acquaintances, and I'm certainly not in that group.

Let the dead deal with the dead. If you hated the dead person, don't attend any services for that person. It will not heal your wounds, but will merely reopen them.

As always, this is just my opinion.

That's the dilemma. We all have biases. And the stories we tell reflect those biases.

It seems to me that A person should not escape accountability for the things they did just because they died. But in holding them accountable, we have an extra duty to be factual beyond any doubt, because the deceased is not here to tell the other side of the story.

Take Britebart, for example. The facts are damning. That was one miserable low-life, and I have no reservations about saying so.

You're at their funeral and all these people are gushing over how kind and loving they were.At this point its a relief to forget the abuse and make believe they were wonder full --they're dead you can't fix them so move on .this may be the reason people want to respect the dead and not bad mouth them ,its kind of an easy out.

We all end up as dust and hopefully the world will progress past abuse and ignorance but that may never happen .

I think it's awful that people talk about the dead like they're saints, just because they're dead.

my dad was an asshole. And I tell anyone who asks (not many do, fortunately). I don't go out of my way, but if anyone asks...

As for him not being able to defend himself...well he didn't give my mother, my siblings or me the chance to defend ourselves when he started beating the crap out of us for no reason.

He was seriously ill before he died. Had I been living near him, I may have gone to visit him. Just "may". My nephew rang me the day he died and all I could say was "Thanks for letting me know". It was like someone I had known long ago had died.

Of course, to all his mates, he was the sweetest, friendliest guy in the world.

Edited to correct a typo or two.

him new he was and are just being polite by not saying anything to the family. What good would it do anyway. You and your close relatives know if he was an ass. Leave it to god if you believe there is one. Or when no one else is in the room have a private moment and tell him/her what you think. You have their attention and they aren't going anywhere at the moment. Believe me my father's side of the family were all asses. Lucky I was out of the country and couldn't go to my grandparents funerals. I wouldn't have gone even if I were at home. They were very cruel to my mother and it was hard to forgive them. So silence is golden and it speaks for itself.

a post mortem pissing-on-his-grave should be celebrated.

Where people can share memories to comfort the family. I wonder if something like that would help provide catharsis?

We don't just speak ill, we dance and have parties when someone, like Steve Irwin, dies - you know, that really evil guy who had a TV show about animals.