This has been overlooked and minimized for far too long

Bad part is how the one in three number hit home for me. I have been lucky, but I have 2 sisters and on has been beat up and raped by a partner. As I said, this hits home.

who has been either raped or abused in a relationship, if we ourselves haven't been, which isn't surprising with those odds.

That one, though, was quite the eye opener. I had counseled many an abused woman before that and to realize that this emotionally abusive relationship had just turned physical was jarring. The relationship and the man were done in 2 days. But I've come to realize that I tolerate emotionally abusive partners and always have.

Now, I'm alone and my therapist and I are discovering that I'm more than willing to step into the role of abusing myself. So, the work continues.

My recently estranged husband is now in an abusive relationship. He doesn't realize it, or doesn't want to and it's been weird seeing it from this angle - the woman is isolating him, training him to accept increasing amounts of abuse, creating a cone of silence around him and he's doing the same things that so many women, myself included, do in abusive relationships to make them okay. I hope one day he sees it, but everyone who knew him before this woman are pretty shocked and have tried and tried to get him to see it. Oh yeah, she's also starting to mold his social group so that she chooses who he hangs out with. Those who have tried to bring up the abusive behavior are systematically being removed. It is just such a standard set of tactics abusers use.

I remember with my abusive relationship, all of my friends kept trying to get me to see that the relationship wasn't good for me and I refused to see it until I couldn't not see it. Then I had a lot of mea culpas to go through, though my wonderful friends took me back and didn't say "I told you so."

I know the absence of bare breasted women here makes this post unappealing to the many of the great crusaders for gender equality on this site, but I'm kicking it for the few who really do care about violence against women in the US and don't pretend it's "not real" because its not carried out by a government.

but all too often it is. You can do everything right and still have it all go wrong. Don't forget that some of that abuse happens at home as well. (Meaning in the family.) Good OP, I thank you and all the other strong women here.

But you're absolutely right that it is everywhere. If you've been fortunate in your own life, someone in your family, a friend or a coworker is impacted.

but found out the hard way how very wrong everything can go when you're targeted by a psychopath. I'm sorry you had a similar experience. I'm one of three girls and at least two of us have been attacked. I think it's all too common. I used to think people were basically good but not any more...now I think there are very real criminals amongst us and sometimes they are very clever.

The victim is always blamed and judged. Always.

Yes, and you're right about blaming the victim. We blame ourselves too. It's hard not to when the person is a partner you've chosen to be with. I still don't feel I can trust my own judgement.

I'm completely with you on that one. I trusted again after my abusive relationship but with the way this last relationship went on the skids so quickly and the education I've gotten around things I didn't really pay attention to in my spouse (of 11 years), I do not trust myself to pick a partner again and frankly, since it's only been 4 months, I'm not surprised. But realizing that I keep creating my childhood and my childhood sucked, I just don't want to do it anymore. I want to try something else for the last few decades of my life.

we as women do share responsibility for getting ourselves in those situations. The violence isn't our fault, but not leaving right away is. In my case, I got hooked into this promise that counseling would help him, which was complete bullshit. All it did was keep me in the relationship longer. This was all a long time ago, but I suppose my fundamental problem is that I still haven't forgiven myself.

I know some folks won't understand...but I gave up on having relationships with men, years ago.

The rotten ones don't wear an 'A' for asshole on their forehead...and it is no fun at all winding up vulnerable when you find out.

I know not all men are abusers/attackers, but the consequences of being wrong when going out with someone are just to considerable.

The potential consequences are not worth it...and relations between men and women generally just seem to be seriously out of balance (witness all the horrid laws being put into our society by the Talibornagains).

Maybe things will get better...but probably not until my next life (if reincarnation is real, not just wishful thinking).

I wish I could say I didn't understand.