http://www.nytimes.com/2011/07/03/magazine/infidelity-will-keep-us-together.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

In their own marriage, Savage and Miller practice being what he calls “monogamish,” allowing occasional infidelities, which they are honest about. Miller was initially opposed to the idea. “You assume as a younger person that all relationships are monogamous and between two people, that love means nothing can come between you,” said Miller, who met Savage at a club in 1995, when he was 23 and Savage was 30. “Dan has taught me to be more realistic about that kind of stuff.

“It was four or five years before it came up,” Miller said. “It’s not about having three-ways with somebody or having an open relationship. It is just sort of like, Dan has always said if you have different tastes, you have to be good, giving and game, and if you are not G.G.G. for those tastes, then you have to give your partner the out. It took me a while to get down with that.” When I asked Savage how many extramarital encounters there have been, he laughed shyly. “Double digits?” I asked. He said he wasn’t sure; later he and Miller counted, and he reported back that the number was nine. “And far from it being a destabilizing force in our relationship, it’s been a stabilizing force. It may be why we’re still together.”

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How does one allow occasional infidelities, I wonder? Do you get permission ahead of time?

Partner 1: Honey...I'd really like to sleep with someone else tonight.
Partner 2: Who?

Partner 1: Our neighbor, Joe.
Partner 2: Well, no. Not with Joe. He's such a bore.

Partner 1: Well, how about Bob.
Partner 2: No, Bob is rude. How about Sam?

Partner 1: Oh, good. I'll call, Sam.
Partner 2: But, not tonight. Sam just called and said he had a headache.

Usually they have rules and boundaries - there are no set guidelines or book to follow, just like every other group monogamy is what the couple makes of it. I know plenty of straight couples with the same agreements as Dan and his partner. It works, for them.

I guess you're right. Apparently, it is working for them. They're still together. I was just curious. Not curious enough to try it, though.

The article I linked to was really interesting. For one couple who tried, the husband was fine with the arrangement UNTIL his wife had vaginal sex with another man. He thought he would be okay ahead of time, but then later (too late to make a difference) discovered he was not.

It just seems like it would be a recipe for disaster. But, then again just about any relationship has the makings for disaster. I guess my only thought would be...if you know monogamy "isn't" your thing, you shouldn't hook up with someone who does believe in it. And, if start out not believing in monogamy with someone else, who also does not, you sure have to hope the rules don't change midstream.

But again, this is probably true of all relationships...as for rule changing midstream.

I do wonder for how many of them it's an actual "need" to be with others instead of a "want". I can't think of a better way to say that without sounding like I'm condescending toward their lives.

But it's certainly better than not telling your partner that you aren't monogamous.

Let's say you as a couple figure it's okay to sleep with other people. Now there's a wild card in the relationship, a person who isn't deeply invested in the survival of the relationship, may fall in love with the cheating spouse or imagine that he/she will leave the spouse for them, and have personality characteristics that are going to cause all kinds of problems. I've seen this numerous times in counseling couples. The outlier can be very threatening in many ways, and there's nothing really that can be done until something bad has already happened.

Lock up your bunnies.

partner are willing to agree to. My husband and I want to have a monogomous relationship, so that is what we have. If two people consent to an open relationship, then that's up to them. As with any relationship whether monogomous or open, there can be complications. Sometimes our feelings change. Maybe someone in an open relationship gets jealous of a third person. Maybe someone in a monogomous relationship feels ignored and unappreciated. The key to any relationship is honesty, communication, and agreed upon expectations.